***Trigger warning for anyone who has experienced child abuse***

Experience description:

I started using The Gateway Series in July 2019 and listened to Wave 1 and 2, then switched to The Monroe Institutes 'Wake-Induced Lucid Dreaming' mp3, the very first time I listened to it I met a 'female' (she presented as female but is in fact both sexes and neither) spirit who said she was my guide, I later discovered she is a representation of my soul collective (representing all of my past lives), she showed me in this first session the things I could do in the astral, how I could move around, move through objects, fly, and feel and also gave me some signs to look for in my every day life, like numerology and instant 'knowings'. From my second session and for the next 5 months I was taken on a healing journey, that felt planned and orchestrated from the other side, as though they had been waiting for me to connect to them. I had been sexually abused as a child, for 12 years (from age 18 months old till age 14) and as a result I carried a lot of distorted beliefs about myself and the world around me.

My guide knew every single thing about me, every thought, all my past anger, all my mistakes but showed me nothing less than pure unconditional love; something I had been in desperate need of. Over the 5 months each session had a theme centered around a particular belief I held that wasn't based in reality. They patiently and lovingly took me back to the past event/s that created those beliefs and showed me (often telepathically or in a large download of information) the true nature of what occurred. For example on many of the occasions I was being abused, I had in fact escaped my body and 'was being held by them' in the astral, while another being was in my body for the duration of the abuse. That's not to say I wasn't there for some of it, but I was never alone.

We spent many sessions going over my false beliefs about myself and how my lack of self love was based on the false premise that I somehow deserved what had happened to me. They deconstructed the events for me and helped me understand the A. My mother had no idea, and couldn't have with her naiveté about child abuse and B. that my step father had chosen me because I was quiet, sensitive, self contained, beautiful and soulful, not because I was a bad child and deserved it like I believed.

In one of the hardest sessions they encouraged me to forgive him - something I had no prior intention of doing - and showed me all the reasons why that was important for my soul progression, to release him to his destiny (he died in 2009) and to allow my soul to soar and let go of what was holding me back spiritually. I argued with them fervently in protest in the mis-belief that I was somehow condoning what he had done, when in fact it was to release him to face his de-evolution and for me to advance. Till this time I wasn't aware of how much I was still holding onto all that because I deliberately seldom thought of him.

The journal entry of that session:

17/8/19

What I just experienced is not something I would ever have chosen in a million years. I just lay down to try focused meditation without any props (no binaural beats, no blindfold, no lucid dreaming mp3). Very quickly I saw a tunnel entry/vortex before me that looked computer generated and not entirely real; it had concentric rings around it in bold white lines and was very open at the bottom but very narrow as it progressed. I was standing outside it looking at it from a distance, which has never happened before. I saw ‘people’ entering it but for the life of me I couldn't move closer. I asked for clarity and help but nothing happened. Then I saw G's face and naturally reacted badly. I asked what he wanted. He said he wanted to apologies. I scoffed and said (in my head with Non-Verbal Communication) I didn't believe he was capable of it. I felt another loving presence that was soothing me so I just listened to him. He said he was sincerely sorry for the things he had done. I saw and felt his bent over posture and vulnerability. His request is what I focused on and said no way, I'm not letting you off the hook that easily. I got the info that I cant progress in the etheric world without it. That made me mad that I'm paying the price yet again for what he did to me. I asked him what he's apologizing for. He said for what I did to you. I asked what specifically. I then got the info of the abuse and that we didn't need to go over it but that he knows fully consciously what he did.

I told the other presence that I didn't want to talk to him and that in all honesty I cant forgive him, I'd only be lying to myself. I told them that I'd built up my anger at him as a defense and protection, I cant just break that down. They showed me that I can and must for my own evolution. No one and nothing is holding me back but myself and my beliefs around forgiving him. I asked for him to leave and to talk with my higher self, my guides and any that have my higher interests at heart. I felt the presence of more than one individual and they were calming and loving. I expressed to them that I cant forgive the evil acts he did, and I never will. That I felt forgiveness is a religious construct to keep people powerless. I asked how do I forgive the things that he did to me? Someone spoke to me and reminded me that for a long time he has been in isolation and that his essential being has been ‘taken apart’, he no longer exists as the entire person he was. (They showed me this in a previous lesson) The part of him that spoke to me now was his soul/spirit self who has become completely conscious of his actions. I still didn't understand how I could forgive him and was really struggling with the unfairness of them expecting me to make such a great leap just because he needs me to. So they helped me to understand him, that his soul was not what abused me, he didn't entirely consciously choose it, that he suppressed his soul and allowed his ego/mind and physical addiction take advantage of any kind of power he could find. They showed me he came in as a weak soul and had many experiences that dis-empowered him and traumatized him so he gave in to physicality and shut off his conscience and soul. I said but I could have the same excuse, only I didn't abuse. They reminded me of the many times I have been in the dark and thought black thoughts and that I too could have given in to it. They showed me that I came in with more abilities than him so it was easier for me to resist and that I am better connected to the other side than him. I instantly knew that its a path all souls have taken at some point in the evolution of our soul (poor decisions, not child abuse) and that I too had been evil at some time in the past (past lives). I realized that others must have forgiven me, so it is possible. They showed me that my choosing not to forgive him was based on false beliefs that I somehow would be condoning the acts by forgiving him.

So I started to play around with what I forgive and say that I forgive him that he shut off his soul to survive and that I knew his soul self hadn't chosen to hurt me, his ego/mind and addictions had. But I felt that it wasn't a completely open forgiveness if I had to add conditions to it. I asked if his alcoholism had anything to do with it and if he had any entities attached to him. They said he did have and yes his addictions fed his urges and that he did surrender to the wills of the entities but ultimately his soul self had a choice and must take full responsibility for what he consciously or unconsciously chose. I told them that I'd had this wall around me for so long that I don't know how to let it go, how do I just make the leap to let it go and what about the vulnerability of it once I take away my protection. I told them it will take time and I need to think about it. They said its an instant decision and that I don't need to think about it any more. They expressed to me how connected I am to them and that I am never alone or as vulnerable as I fear. They showed me that it hasn't been protecting me its been blinding me and preventing me from true connection with others, and that my fears have attracted the same sorts of people to my life. OMG moment! I saw many relationships flash before me.

So I forgave his soul self completely for making the wrong choices and knew entirely that his soul isn't evil and didn't choose consciously to hurt me. I knew that I didn't have to forgive the acts themselves, just his essential being that wasn't even really present. It felt good to reach that point, I'd been crying throughout the whole event and asked for help from my guides to integrate all this and remember it to write it in my journal. I thanked them sincerely for helping me make this giant leap and that I wouldn't have reached this point without them.

After this session and a couple after (it took me a few to fully process that he wasn't getting off lightly) I witnessed as entities that I had dumped in a house I used to live in were marched out and completely removed from my life. I had moved there as a teenager and tried desperately to just live a normal life, so I had spiritually dumped all that trauma in my old bedroom and tried to move on. I'd had a reoccurring dream/nightmare my whole adult life of dead bleeding bodies stacked in piles in that room and standing in the doorway experiencing the horror in the room. So in this session Robert Monroe (the founder of the Monroe Institute who has passed away) marched these dark entities out of that room and down into the sewage system 'where they belonged' - this of course was symbolic, but they had been removed from my consciousness and I didn't need to carry them any more.

The journal entries of these 2 sessions:

31/8/19

I wasn't going to write this in my journal because I somehow didn't believe it, but it came up again in a profound way so I have to go over it.

Last night I was reading Bruce Moen's ‘Voyages into the afterlife’ and he was talking about non-verbal communication and said he received tones in his left ear that he now tunes into having been informed its spirit communication. Having been experiencing this for months I stopped reading and asked is that someone trying to get my attention? The answer came yes and it was excited and relieved to be heard I could feel it. I asked who are you and the reply came ‘Bob’. Bob I thought I wonder who that is, and then the impression of Bob Monroe and his smiling face came into view. No way I thought. How can that be. He just stayed there in front of me smiling. Not really believing it I decided to just be open to it. Next thing he was standing at the bottom of some stairs at my aunties house in her garage under the house, he had his back to the stairs, he stepped aside and a flow of creatures streamed down the stairs and marched to the room at the back of the garage. They looked like orcs but the same one over and over. They paid no attention to me and just kept marching, heaps of them. I asked where they were going and I suddenly smelt sewage and remembered when the sewage system got blocked and overflowed when we were living in the house. Bob said its an appropriate place for them don't you think? I didn't know what he meant and I asked how I could know it was really him. He said turn to page 89 in the book and read it…

'Wow! Well I gotta get back. Just create myself there you say?'

'You got it buddy.'

I stood, facing the direction that felt like it went to TMI-There. Then I just started to think about stepping into the room with the crystal and BAM! I was stepping out of a door of the building into the room.'

I didn't understand what that passage was saying to me. In the book a dolphin had taught Bruce he could just return to where he intended by creating his presence there. So I asked ‘Bob' what he meant and he said create yourself here, everyone who uses my programs also gets my help. All of a sudden I realised he had given my self limiting beliefs their marching orders and he was escorting them out of my mind/life.

But I didn't write it in my journal because I thought somehow it was just my creation and perhaps ego, so I let it go.

1/9/19

The first part of this session doesn't appear to be relevant but it relates to the lesson...

Today lunch time I was reading the same book and both my ears were quietly humming which I was ignoring, then I felt a cool breeze lying on my bed, which was odd because its a really warm day. I knew this was the other side trying to get my attention, I lay down with 126-64 Hz playing (Tom Campbell binaural sounds). Instantly I saw the outline of Gengha (Gengha is an ascended soul group that comes to me with bigger spiritual messages, he/she comes to me in the form of a Buddha statue that I have near my bed) with its head bowed and hands clasped in prayer. Then strangely a light glowed in the genital area and my vision was zoomed in on it, it became a weird looking vagina with long orange stamens instead of pubic hair and the vaginal opening became like the neck of a vase or bottle and then the wings of a butterfly and the body of a luminescent woman, that flew around and returned to become a tunnel. I watched the female figure lose the wings , she was naked and luminescent white light she dove into the tunnel, I felt like an observer following her. Confused about this I kept losing sight of her and coming back to my body, I realized I was trying to figure it out and had to just let it happen and watch. When I focused on her again she did a big sweeping movement as we got back on track and it looked like she was diving through water rather than in a tunnel. Next thing she surfaced above the water, naked and glowing. Again I tried to become her but I could feel it was blocked, I was just to observe. She walked out of the water slowly and no concern about being naked and exposed. In front of her appeared a male light being in the same form as her, he seemed slightly familiar but not to look at, just sensing his familiarity. I watched as they embraced and rejoiced at being connected finally, they stayed as separate beings but I could see their energy charging through each other. I suddenly realized I'm observing myself (but she was younger and had long dark hair), with my soul mate or another part of myself; I tried to find out which but its not to be known yet. But I felt he was the other half of me, what ever that means. Feeling the magnificence of his love I immediately regretted ever settling for the poor excuses of love I've had in this life and, (especially the last one), I kept saying sorry over and over and he said don't be sorry it was planned that way. I asked if he'd had anything to do with their selection and he said he'd intentionally had nothing to do with it because he could be biased. He showed me the magnificence of my love that I’d tried to share with these people who weren't capable of love and asked how I could possibly have doubted my value when I could love those cold people so well. It was a very surreal experience to feel all the pure love I've created in my past lives and know I'd tried to create that here in this live in a virtual desert. I had diminished myself as the failure when it was them who couldn't step up and be transparent in the presence of big love. He showed me how my love shines a light on the dark places, myself and others and that undeveloped people take it as a threat and criticism when it is never intended that way. He said you have well developed love in you, its a gift but you tried to share it in the wrong places. I told him I wished I'd had his children and he said I have many times and he has even had mine. I wanted to know his name and then for some reason decided not to know yet. I don't know why I guess its not important, he is many names and none. We then walked across the water and I could feel the gel like surface that was flexible under my feet, it moved but the surface didn't break.

I felt us flying as the eagle above all the crap in life and he showed me that remembering who I really am is a part of that ability to fly above it all. Remembering who you truly are will help you to be less involved in the dramas and opinions and gossip in my life, you are so much more don't forget that.

I expressed my gratitude to him for finding me again and he said he is always here, and has never been apart from me.

I felt us move apart from each other and felt the need of a loving hug, I asked for Nancy Monroe (probably because she demonstrated unconditional love to Bruce Moen in the book, so she was the symbolic representation) and she appeared glowing white and wrapped me in her arms, I cried with relief and fullness and sadness at that being missing from my life for so long. All of a sudden a reoccurring dream I have had in my life appeared in my mind. I've had the same dream periodically for 30 years. Its in the same house as Bob was escorting the orcs/beliefs from and the dream occurs in my old bedroom. I’m standing at he doorway of the room looking in and see dead bodies stacked up on top of each other with blood and body parts everywhere, stacked like a filing system and the feeling in the room was so horrific the dream always wakes me up.

I lived in that house after moving back to Australia and for the first time having no contact with my step father. I was in my late teens and I saw how I’d tried to step out of my trauma and leave it behind and try to live a normal life. I guess I just stored up the bodies of that trauma for a later day and kept getting reminders that I still had all these beliefs and attachments to deal with. So what Bob had been doing the night before was escorting all those bodies out of me and here today Nancy is going over what it all means. I've also had a reoccurring vision of myself as a little girl all alone in a big white room, with big windows and a door and seeing all these entities trying to get in the room and get me. They are thrashing at the windows and door trying to get in and I'm on the floor with my back to them sitting with my head on my raised knees and my hands over my head. She told me that it represented my self imposed prison that I put myself in and closed my heart because I believed I was unworthy of love. I felt angry at this and said there was nothing self imposed about it, that man raped me for 12 years, he put me in that prison and kept me locked up in silence so as not to betray him and his filth and secrets. I was silenced and abandoned and left alone by all of you to just rot in my own insanity at the injustice of it all.  You’ve admitted yourselves that he was worse than you expected but I still had to go through it alone, and now you want me to forgive him! I cant forgive the human he was and the things he did and how it all made me know I was no one and nothing and no one cared. I felt at one point omg who am I to be speaking to them like that, knowing all my higher selves will be observing, and then I thought no f*** it I have as much right as anyone to have a voice, an opinion and self expression. I carried on that I cant forgive that human that did that to me and its not about being stubborn or holding on; its that I’d feel like I was lying and betraying myself and only pretending to forgive him. I don't know what it even means to forgive him, I cant even look at him when he presents in my minds eye as he does often lately. Its like being tortured all over again.

‘To release feelings of resentment and anger' is the definition of forgiveness, well how can I do that when my story hasn't been heard? I do resent him. I still struggle every single day with the fall out of his actions, I am still angry and I'm still putting myself back together and working hard just to feel like I want to stay in this life. I’M NOT READY TO FORGIVE HIM!

I felt her focus shift to what she had actually meant and what I’d missed before I went off on my little rant. She showed me that my feelings of no worth are based on false information and I can let that go now. 'We showed you your big heart with big love and we showed you how you are loved so you can see just how wrong your beliefs have been about yourself. Your prison and your white room no longer have to exist because you are safe and loved and free.' While I felt the significance of this I think its going to take time and trust for me to break down the walls that have protected me from this hell. Id love to just say all is forgiven and be able to move on but that doesn't happen over night. 2 months ago I was happy to never forgive him and never even think about him. A lot of the time I was blissfully ignorant of him and felt nothing toward him. But I can see how that isn’t the same as releasing anger and resentment, but somehow my experiences need validation before that's possible.

The words I use to describe my sessions just never seem to be enough to capture it. I see it all in pictures and scenes and emotions and sensations, writing it seems to diminish it into a smaller, more 2D representation. The way my recent thoughts and experiences in real life are incorporated into my sessions blows me away. I’ve been watching Lord of the Rings so the use of orcs to represent the dead and haunting belief‘s was pretty cool. Asking for a hug and Nancy Monroe appearing was because in the book she was Bruce’s first example of unconditional love in his lessons during his focus 27 sessions. I also only read last night how dreams, de ja vou and synchronicities are implanted knowledge used in the spirit realm to implant significant knowledge involved in our reminding us of our path. And here I am today being told the significance of a dream/nightmare I've been having for 30 years and the significance of the visual representation of myself I've had for at least 40 years (the little girl in the white room) is my self imposed prison. What an amazing journey I'm on!

After my out burst at my guides I avoided having a session for a few days...

2/9/19

I’ve been struggling for the past few days with the whole forgiveness thing so I've been letting it just mull around. I didn't do a session yesterday, I didn't feel the need to and I felt I didn't deserve it after my out burst and I feared the oldies (what I call my past lives) were pissed off with me. I'm struggling with what forgiveness actually means as a course of action. I should have known the oldies would work on a new way of showing me the answers.

So I could feel the oldies ringing my ears, both of them, which seems to be their signal, because as I write this post session the ringing has gone.

I don't have much of a build up now, I don't have to relax my body, the channels seems to have been opened. I don't know where I go or which focus level it would be each time and I get the sense it doesn't matter.

So I lay down 128-64 Hz playing had my blind fold on, had emptied my bladder and bam I was walking behind a woman toward the back of a bus up the isle to the only empty seat, on the back seat, right in the middle where she could see right through the bus and view the journey. As she sat down clutching her back pack on her chest (she appeared anxious and self protective) I flowed around in an arc and went inside her and became her. I think the bus was full of ‘The Oldies’ but that wasn't important. (They just said in my head, ‘you’re getting it’)

So I start focusing out the big front window of the bus as it enters what looks like the same concrete tunnel I'd seen before. It has big windows with bright light streaming in and there are hundreds of them, one after the other (like the hall way of doors in the matrix movie that I watched only days before) We keep moving through till we come out into the darkness and then I'm flying at great speed around a canyon, I circle a few times and the walls of the canyon are rock much like the grand canyon. In the middle is a valley and I see a gathering of people. It doesn't look like Monroe's park, it seems too barren. But I know the details aren't important. I land and there is a party in progress, all these happy joyous people celebrating, I know they are all my oldies. As I land I see Eric (13 yo past life) run up to me and hug me and he links my arm through his and we start to do a jig. I look up and Thomas (a past life murdered out of jealousy) is on the piano and we carry on dancing with everyone else joining in. It felt wonderful. I know they are celebrating my progress working through my beliefs. I ask why I only see male versions of me and they said its so I will let go of my resentment of men because I have been one many times, I've made many mistakes and done many wonderful things both as a man and as a woman. But I did think of the witch me (I was executed as a witch for using herbal medicine on my epileptic sister) and she walked up to me briefly, she appeared very strong and self assured by her walk, but then she disappeared. Next I was up in the air again, moving away slowly and seeing it all from a birds eye view, all the festivities.  I thought about the issue of forgiveness which was my intention of this session and realised I was seeing the birds eye view of the matter. They said forgiveness is just a decision to let go.  Its seeing the matter from outside of it and seeing that its just an illusion. It was a set of situations that served a purpose at the time and now that purpose doesn't need to exist anymore. Its my attachment to it and the energy of it that I need to release.

Then I experienced the abuse in progress and felt myself escape from it in my mind as that child and ‘go somewhere else’ but I didn't know where and I couldn't see or feel it. I saw another part of me take over my body and go through that traumatic event while I wasn't there. I asked where I had gone to and they said, you were here with us while we held you. OMG! I asked why I couldn't remember it and they said we didn't want you to remember it, but you were here with us while we held you through it. Then I cried, and cried, for real. I was blown away. All this time I felt I was alone in this life and I wasn't, I was deeply connected to my higher selves and they had me every step of the way. I was blown away. That explains why I don't remember a lot of the abuse but I remember some of it in full detail and enough to know how often it happened. They showed me that the lessons from it were the point, not the actual suffering through it. Other parts of me stepped in when necessary. They showed me that living in fear of him was enough to be conscious of. The lesson was in the isolation not in the torture of the actual abuse. No one could have gone through that and stayed sane and intact enough to fulfil the purpose of my life time. They said we have some home work for you, we want you to answer some questions. What would be the purpose of putting a soul into a situation like that? What would have happened if that soul was a young one and not well experienced? What have you learnt from it that felt purposeful and in keeping with your purpose?

I then switched to focus on him. They said none of this is about him at all. Its about you. He is responsible for his soul and you are responsible for yours. Our life journeys are a selfish path and they need to be. You are saving yourself. I told them I had the sense that he has regressed to being in the animal or plant kingdom and they said yes of sorts; he has to start over. He is no longer human. Now he will be a big fish in a little pond of sorts and must battle his ego with the knowing that he cant let it get away from him this time and he cant become unconscious. So he has the frustration of many life times feeling he is too evolved for this shit but he must stay humble and do his time. His knowing to keep his ego in check is like you knowing you couldn't commit suicide; that it would be destroying the purpose. And if he fails he will just keep repeating the same lessons.

I then had visuals of holding a small jigsaw piece and placing that piece in a larger picture. Then zooming out and seeing how it fit into a much larger picture to infinity and how each life is a few jigsaw pieces from a different view point and how the collective of pieces from the different view points made up a very complex knowingness that is shared collectively and makes up a Gengha. I saw this by sudden but slight movement around a jigsaw piece (like a click click click of slightly different photos but almost identical) and how it had a different feel to it from each position which represented each time I had learnt it in each life. It is from that collective that we can access all the memories and knowings simultaneously to share that wisdom with other beings. But no one being holds all the pieces. I saw the joining of all the lives and how they became one but many at the same time. I had the sense that each collective is unique with its own collective personality and vibration and would each be drawn to the future it resonated with, which had something to do with what we’d had our main focus on in the majority of our later lives (ie more recent past lives).

I had watched one of Bob Monroe's ‘Wednesday Session’s’ earlier and he likened his collective selves to a field of flowers. I then saw my collective, first as the same flowers repeated, then other flowers, then a field of diverse flowers, then scrub then rain forest. I laughed and said ‘Gee we are slow learners’. The Oldies thought that was funny too and said its how it has to be, its how its designed. I really had a deep sense of the hologram and each piece representing the whole.

I asked about knowing about the final life and when you would know you’ve made it to the last one. Will I be a spiritual recluse a monk or such. And they said it takes many forms. Its a human construct to believe it can only happen amongst guru’s. Learning is messy and it happens more frequently amongst the humble than it does in the caves and temples. I saw how being a wealthy person in a privileged life is a trap of the ego and only an advanced soul could succeed in their soul lessons there.

I asked again what it is I need to work on and I hear a loud, collective ‘LET GO!’ but this time I understood better what that means. I saw the releasing of worldly goods, holding on to props and people, addictions and ideas, permission and approval. I saw the simple joy of just being in any moment and looking for the joy and where I can experience it. I saw that there is no hurry, no where to be, nothing to achieve, no work to do, just be and let go. That's my biggest lesson. JUST LET GO! I felt what that feels like to have no grasping and have all the energies open up in my body and feel the free flowing light energy moving in and out. I'm to practice that. I also know that perfection is an illusion and a belief and doesn't exist. So I can just be my imperfect self too.