That night, I was lying in bed with my daughter of 3 years old in her room. Both sleeping. All of a sudden I woke up, it was the same gaze that I felt in the clinic that was in her room. I felt the same incredible love, the same messages came to me. It also told me without a voice that the soul I thought I'd lost, was only a soul when it was in my body. The moment it wasn't there anymore it became all, it was everything. Again I felt at home, I knew that I didn't have to worry, suffer or be sad. All was good. There was not even good, all was love and service. It became so clear that the gaze was about unconditional love and being of service. I couldn't believe that this gaze loved me so much even though I did such a horrible thing. 

In the weeks that followed I lost the connection to the gaze and got into a state of immense grief. I felt so incredibly sad. My ex boyfriend (the father) often played piano music for me from Yiruma so that tears could flow. One evening, after three weeks or so, I got into the worse state of grief in which I felt that I had to made an unfair choice. It felt I didn't have a choice and it felt so unfair. I completely lost myself in despair and started screaming and crying and hitting the table. This lasted according to my ex half an hour or so. The next evening I felt the gaze again. It made my heart skip a beat. I knew it was trying to communicate with me. A film of past moments all past by with such a speed, that it was not easy to follow. But I remember the memories of me watching with my little girl a few years ago a program on which an interview took place. The guy who was being interviewed said something that really touched me, but knowing I would not remember it if I didn't write it down, I wrote it down for later. After that I completely forgot about it for years. At the same moment a little car that make music was standing a few meters from us. It only made music when you stirred something and it wasn't easy to do that, because it got stuck. At the moment of the comment of the guy being interviewed, the car started to play a song by itself. This is the reason I remembered the situation. It was in the same period that I remembered a Hindu priest telling me a year ago that I had to leave some food offer for my grandma and my son that I'd lost when I was 21. He couldn't have known that, but he felt his presence and that this soul was still with me. I did it once or twice, but kept forgetting. My little girl though, even though she was 2 at that time put her food in the basket of the little music car every day. It seemed a bit odd to me that she did, but I didn't pay that much attention to it, since little children often hide their food in places. It began to get my attention the moment that the car started to play music by itself. Fast forward to the day after the evening of deepest despair. I remembered this moment, the program, the music car. A month before we moved the music car to my ex his practice where we were that morning. We would move to his practice for a little while until we could move to the new house on Acaciastraat. But we didn't, we broke up before the abortion and me and my daughter would go into the new house without him. t told my ex that I felt the gaze wanted to communicate the comment I had written down years ago. But I couldn't remember. He said, maybe you have written it down in your notebook on your phone. I have so many notes and different folders on my phone, that I just didn't know where to start. But I started, knowing it was of importance. At exact 23:11 I found it, it said: To live is to survive unfair choices.

Two weeks later we went to a Monkey Zoo, the three of us. Next to the Zoo was a beautiful park we had never visited before. Again the grief played up, this time not that heavy. When we went to the park, we rested at a children's playground where my little girl could play. When we left, I felt a strange attraction to a place in between a little road and a bushy area. When I walked to this place, I found a little grave stone as a monument for unborn children. I was a bit shocked, because at the same time there was a sound check in the park and they were playing Yiruma as my ex did so often for me. I looked at where we were and the little square next to the monument was named the Acaciasquare, same as my new address. Then the voiceless voice said; 'there is no time, no space. Your life exists of choices, all is always here, what you choose is what you'll experience of it'.

A few weeks later my daughter went to her biological father for a two weeks holiday. I went with my ex (we decided to be in a spiritual togetherness and not frame it anymore as a relationship with expectations) for two weeks to Italy. One day I felt the grief again, a few hours later, the voiceless voice said to me: 'You'll have  a son'. A few weeks after that, without wanting or it being possible to become pregnant, I heard the little voice again: Do not worry mama, do not worry.' I was in shock. Couldn't believe its because it wasn't possible. I didn't wanted to get pregnant again and relive the horrors of before. But the little voice added: 'Do not worry mama, you can choose between two thoughts, the positive one and the negative one, both are subjective. Choose the positive one and trust.' I was pregnant again and I listened to the little voice, not to worry and choose the positive thought. The day before my first echo I dreamed it would be a twin. I woke up from this dream and a feeling of freedom washed over me. I never ever thought or anticipated this, and for some strange reason this freed me of my own ideas and identity. The next day I dismissed this dream, because it seemed too much like a dream and after feeling. But it was a twin and again the feeling of freedom was there. The voiceless voice said to me: 'true freedom lies in the not knowing'. This was the moment I knew that I needed to let go of the spiritual togetherness and step out of fear and enter the filed of not knowing. My life completely changed after that. Since then I felt carried and always tuned in into some sort of objective field of awareness where all is still and everything else perceived as an expression of this flow, even my personality. 13 weeks in my pregnancy the gaze came back. The voiceless voice told me that life was all about unconditional love and service. All of a sudden I understood the mystery of life. I only had to gaze the same way the gaze gazed at me, with the same unconditional love, to others ad everything around me and be of service. Not getting from, getting somewhere, just this. Wow, I felt so much gratitude for this message and insight and feeling it in my whole being, this truth.

Now I am 28 weeks pregnant and the little being in my belly, my son, is connecting to people around me. From out of nowhere people I never really see or speak to, but feel good, start to email me telling me they feel a deep connection to the baby in my belly. I and they cannot explain how or why, but I decided to follow their invitations without any expectations. A woman recently shared to one of my best friends that she feels she needs to be at my delivery, and she also do not know why. This happened after we hugged.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. It feels so good to finally share it with people who will understand and hopefully know others going though the same magic and sacredness as I. I hope to be connected to others and share with them the flow I am in. It is for the first time I have shared what happened without feeling grief. Also because I know it is the same unconditional love that is in my belly.

With love,

Kimberly

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience? Uncertain     short narcosis

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words?          No     

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event? Uncertain     I was taking the life of my baby

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?      High

            Was the experience dream like in any way?  Both

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?  Yes    It felt like I was the presence inside me, not Kimberly

What emotions did you feel during the experience?          Being ripped apart, followed by extreme peace and being understood and love unconditionally

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?         No

LOCATION DESCRIPTION:  Did you recognize any familiar locations or any locations from familiar religious teachings or encounter any locations inhabited by incredible or amazing creatures?   No     

Did you see a light?        No     

Did you meet or see any other beings?         Yes    The Gaze and Maria  The Gaze, without a voice: It is you that is being born, it always was about you being born

Did you experiment while out of the body or in another, altered state?         No     

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?         No         

Did you notice how your 5 senses were working, and if so, how were they different? Yes    Much more sensitive, everything.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?  Yes    Time stood still, no time. Gaze was all, everywhere, no specific place.

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?         Yes    There is no time, no space, only choices. What you choose is what you'll experience. But everything is always.