Experience description:

Content warning: Sexual content, may be "TMI" for some people. (Nothing too graphic or explicit.)

---

Note for the sake of context: I refer to God/Hashem as He/Him for the sake of simplicity, but I do not believe in God as being gendered in that way (more like being all genders at once, as well as none at all, paradoxically.) I alternate between calling Him "God" and "Hashem", which means "The Name", because I am Jewish and that's just how I talk. Many religious Jews censor the word "G_d" but I don't prefer to do that anymore. I am also a lesbian in my earthly life and I am married to a woman. My religious practice is that of "Conservative" Judaism (which has nothing to do with political affiliation, it more means "Traditional, but not Orthodox.")

**Introduction and Preliminary Experience**

I am Jewish and practice Conservative Judaism, which means traditional but not Orthodox. I refer to God as He or Him for simplicity, although I do not believe God has a gender in the human sense. I alternate between calling Him God and Hashem, which means “The Name.” I am also a lesbian and married to a woman.

This experience occurred during a period when I was making a serious effort to pray consistently and become more devoted to my religious rituals. It was difficult because Hashem had always seemed somewhat abstract to me. I was not entirely sure He was real. Nevertheless, I continued practicing out of love for my people and culture, and partly in response to rising antisemitism.

About a week before the main experience, I had a dream in which I suddenly thought, “I want to kiss You,” referring to God. I had never had that thought before, either awake or dreaming. I then experienced three short, interesting, and challenging dreams. When the last one ended, I suddenly received what felt like downloaded knowledge that each dream had followed a different kiss He had given me.

For the next week, I felt like a schoolgirl with a crush. I had never imagined it was possible to feel that way about God. I was awkward and embarrassed by those feelings, and I could more easily dismiss the experience as just a dream. Then something much more extraordinary happened.

**The Main Experience**

Before going to bed that night, I prayed extensively. I later remembered that I had ended my prayers with these words:

“If there is anything You want to say to me, I'm listening.”

In the dream, I found myself visiting my childhood home. Everything seemed perfectly ordinary. My mother, daughter, and wife were there, each doing their own things. I remember being in my mother's office when I was suddenly overcome by an incredibly intense sexual desire. I have had dreams involving sexual desire before, but nothing approaching this intensity. My memory of what happened next is somewhat blurred. I remember passionately kissing the doorpost of my mother's office because I wanted so desperately to kiss Hashem. It was an odd thing to do, but it helped release some of my frustration. Fortunately, nobody was watching. The dream felt so real that I would have been terribly embarrassed if someone had seen me.

I then walked a few feet down the hallway into my childhood bedroom, where I suddenly found myself in His presence. He appeared as something resembling a cloud or shining light, although neither description is adequate. His color was impossible to describe, perhaps grayish in my memory. His shape was equally difficult to explain. He seemed to occupy the upper east or south corner of the room, above my window.

Strangely, I was not afraid. I felt completely familiar and comfortable with Him. In fact, I was comfortable enough to say something that embarrassed me for months afterward. In a loving, playful tone, I cried out:

“You will never understand what it's like to feel this powerless!”

I actually felt rather proud of myself for having discovered an experience that even God could not understand. I believed He experienced everything, including my entire life, yet I felt there was something about my powerlessness that He could never truly know. I remained confused by my words for a long time. Later, during my religious studies, I encountered an idea that made me reconsider what I had said.

There was much more behind my words than I actually spoke aloud. I felt that the deeper meaning was communicated to Him without words. If I were to translate those feelings into human language, they would be something like this:

“I want You so unbelievably badly. All I want in the entire universe is YOU! You know everything, and I know nothing. You have all of me, and I have so little of You. You experience everything, even my entire life, but You have the knowledge of everything else from Your lofty throne. You know the future while I am trapped in the present. You cannot truly understand what it's like to feel so tiny, insignificant, and powerless while I am trapped being me!”

It felt as though I had just revealed the deepest truth within my soul. My heart was overflowing with love for Him.

In response, I sensed that He was amused. It felt as though He gave me a knowing smile, perhaps even a laugh. I did not see or hear any of this. I simply sensed His reaction.

Then came the strangest and most difficult part of the experience to describe. It is also the part that has left me feeling isolated and embarrassed. I usually censor it when speaking to people in my everyday life, and even writing about it now makes me uncomfortable.

**An Overwhelming Experience of Ecstasy**

At this point, there was no longer any visual scenery. I remember something resembling television static or a void, although it was not completely black. Looking back, I wonder whether I was somehow inside the cloudlike presence I had seen. I really do not know.

I existed as nothing but the most overwhelming, pleasurable, incredible, and indescribable ecstasy imaginable. It felt more real than ordinary reality. I remember moaning uncontrollably from the intensity of the pleasure, much as someone might during an extraordinary sexual experience.

The closest English word I can find is orgasm, but the sensation was not confined to my sexual organs. I am not even certain I had a physical body. All I remember is the deepest, most beautiful pleasure I have ever experienced. There was no pain, discomfort, or anything remotely unpleasant. It was pure, perfect pleasure beyond anything I had ever known.

Nothing in my earthly life could compare with it. Every drug I had ever taken and every wonderful sexual experience I had ever enjoyed seemed insignificant beside what I experienced with Him.

I want to be clear that there was a distinctly sexual quality to the experience. I have heard people describe God's love in terms that sound sexual, only to insist afterward that it was not actually sexual. That is not how I experienced it.

The only way I can truthfully describe what happened is that God made love to me.

This is why I almost never tell people the entire story. Usually, I simply tell them to imagine the best hug they have ever received, only infinitely better. I worry that most people would find the full description too strange.

I have told my wife, my mother, and one close friend. My wife is an atheist and thinks the whole thing is a little crazy, but my mother believes me completely. She even told me I was not the first person to describe something like this to her. I have never encountered anyone else who spoke about such an experience this openly, although I have read accounts in which people seemed to hint at something similar.

**The Decision to Return**

The experience continued for an amount of time that somehow felt both timeless and finite. Eventually, a thought entered my mind:

“Hold on! Wait a minute! Am I dying?”

I was not particularly frightened. I was more curious than anything else.

The response was simply:

“Yes.”

I began giggling. I was still immersed in the extraordinary pleasure, but my ordinary thinking was beginning to return. While laughing, I said:

“But I can't go yet. I have to be here for my wife and daughter, and I have to make art!”

I began struggling to separate myself from the pleasure because I believed I needed to remain alive. Yet I desperately wanted to stay. I wanted to surrender completely and remain with Him, even if that meant dying. My daughter, especially, made me feel that I had to return. It was the hardest decision I have ever made.

Shortly afterward, I woke up. I do not remember whether anything happened between my decision to stay on Earth and the moment I awakened.

My body was shaking. I was breathless, sweating, and extraordinarily sensitive all over. The only thing I could think to exclaim was, “Hineni!” I had just met God, and He had done something beyond anything I could have imagined.

In typical fashion, I also desperately needed to use the bathroom.

I stumbled out of my bedroom and unexpectedly ran into my wife in the hallway. Encounters like that almost never happen during the night. I was still shaking and struggling to catch my breath, having awakened only about a minute earlier. I felt I had no choice but to tell her everything. We talked for approximately two hours before she returned to our daughter's room.

Afterward, I began praying against the wall again. I cannot remember a single word of those prayers. What I do remember is suddenly experiencing His presence once more, this time while fully awake.

It was intensely physical, although different from the dream. I felt myself beginning to disappear around the edges and merge into Him. I could tangibly feel my place within His existence, with eternity surrounding me. In some ways, this part of the experience is even more important to me because I was completely awake when it happened.

It took me a long time to fall asleep again. For several days afterward, I could barely eat. I felt as though I had a spiritual hangover unlike anything I had ever experienced. Part of me wondered whether I was going crazy, but I was also deeply in love with Hashem.

I have remained in love with Him ever since. Before this experience, I mostly understood my love for God as something resembling the love between a parent and child. Now I also love Him as I would a spouse. I know that probably sounds strange, but it is the truth of how I feel.

**How My Life Changed**

My life has changed dramatically since this experience. I have become much more devoted to studying my religion, observing its rituals, and trying to be a better person. When I mistreat someone or behave unkindly, I feel His judgment and what seems like a gentle correction. I try to recognize my mistake and return to being my best self as quickly as possible. I believe we are all good deep down, although some people have forgotten that goodness far more than others.

I still experience His presence intimately and regularly. I often feel extraordinarily pleasant sensations in my heart area. This is also where I perceive His “still, small voice” when He seems to communicate with me through actual words or feelings. Sometimes it is as though He speaks by pulling on my heartstrings. I feel Him especially strongly when I am focused but relaxed, such as during meditation, prayer, or religious study. Even as I write this, I can feel His presence.

I am embarrassed to admit that He also continues to bless me with physical pleasure, sometimes involving my sexual organs and sometimes centered entirely in my heart. The sensations are remarkably similar. On several occasions, this has continued for hours while I was fully awake. Those experiences were like waking versions of the original dream, except that I was completely aware of my physical body. They are incredible, although nothing has quite matched the intensity of the first experience.

Usually, the sensations come in short bursts, sometimes when I am alone. He even seems to interrupt my studies occasionally, which makes me laugh. Sometimes I can feel the sensations approaching and become extraordinarily sensitive. If my wife touches me, even nonsexually, while I am in that state, I may experience an orgasm. I have learned to remain quiet and control my facial expressions when other people are nearby, although my wife can usually tell what is happening.

Several months later, I also had a minor out-of-body experience while meditating. I felt myself transcend this earthly realm and become partly present in Heaven. There were no visual impressions, but I experienced immense pleasure and His unmistakable presence. His voice seemed perfectly clear, as did my own. I kept telling Him how much I loved Him. It felt as though there was nothing else in existence except the two of us and our love.

Shortly after that experience, someone I loved died, and my best friend suffered a stroke, although fortunately my friend survived. I felt that Hashem had given me the experience to help prepare me for those events and keep me from being overwhelmed by grief.

Sometimes I envy those who have died because I believe the other side is amazing. At the same time, I understand that earthly life is also a blessing.

I am not sharing any of this to boast. In fact, these experiences have left me feeling socially isolated because I have almost nobody with whom I can discuss them honestly. I decided to share the uncomfortable details because perhaps someone else has experienced something similar. If so, I hope that person will feel less alone.

In some ways, my life has actually become harder. I constantly long for His touch, and that longing can be distracting. More than anything, I want to go Home and be with Him. Nevertheless, I continue living because I believe He created me for a reason and that I have a purpose here. I may not know exactly what that purpose is, but I believe every one of us exists intentionally and is loved more deeply than we can imagine.

**Healing, Spiritual Growth, and Understanding**

This experience has also helped me work through sexual trauma and some of the societal attitudes that portray sex as dirty or inherently immoral. Judaism has traditionally recognized that sexual intimacy, under the right circumstances, can be something holy. I now feel that earthly sexual pleasure is a reflection of the beautiful pleasures that exist in Heaven. I believe that finding a spouse who helps us feel closer to God can include sharing profound awe, love, and sexual satisfaction.

My relationship with Hashem has also helped me overcome addictions and unhealthy habits. I came to understand that many things I had done that harmed me, including drugs, meaningless sex, excessive shopping, and hoarding, were attempts to fill what I now recognize as a God-shaped hole in my life.

When I notice myself slipping back into old behaviors, I can recognize that I may actually be longing for Him. Instead of automatically repeating those habits, I can turn toward prayer and work through the feelings.

There is one more aspect of the original experience that I want to explain.

For a long time, I wondered why I had told Hashem that He could never understand what it felt like to be powerless. I worried that my words had been foolish or disrespectful.

Later, while studying Torah or Kabbalah, I encountered a teaching that seemed to explain what I had said, although I no longer remember the exact source or context. The idea was that Hashem, being the ultimate source of all power, cannot truly experience powerlessness in the way finite beings do. There is nothing above Him and nothing more powerful than He is. According to the interpretation I encountered, this is one reason He created finite beings, so that experiences such as powerlessness, need, and awe could exist in ways that He could not experience alone without forgetting who He is.

The moment I encountered that teaching, I remembered what I had said during the dream. It felt like a message reassuring me that my words had not been nonsense or disrespectful after all.

The entire experience was beautiful, and I remain profoundly grateful for what I consider an extraordinary blessing. My deepest wish is that everyone might come to know the love of our Creator and understand just how deeply loved we truly are.

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience? No.

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes. It's embarrassing and feels "TMI" for most people. Also, the visual of "God" I experienced is impossible to describe, especially the color.

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event? Uncertain. I was told "yes" when I asked, in response to what was happening to me, "Wait a minute, am I dying?" Then I had to kind of fight my way out of the experience to make sure I didn't die. But given that most of this happened in a dream, there is no way for me to know if my body was actually failing.

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience? I felt very aware, like in waking life, but a little hazier. It was a lucid dream state. I knew I wasn't awake, but I was very aware.

Was the experience dream like in any way? Yes. But very different from regular dreams, too.

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body? Uncertain. I felt amorphous in a way when I was in the state of deep pleasure. Yet I could feel and hear myself moaning, too.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Immense love, desire, peace, happiness, pleasure, and a little bit of pride and snark when I was "talking back" to God, lol.

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises? No, not this time, I don't think so.

Did you recognize any familiar locations or any locations from familiar religious teachings or encounter any locations inhabited by incredible or amazing creatures? No.

Did you see a light? Uncertain. It was like a cloud but also like emanating light. Very weird.

Did you meet or see any other beings? Yes. God. (Presumably!)

Did you experiment while out of the body or in another, altered state? No.

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later? No.

Did you notice how your 5 senses were working, and if so, how were they different? Yes. Kissing the wood beam in my mom's office was exactly like doing it in real life (truth be told, I tried it in real life later just to confirm, LOL!), and all my senses actually always work in my dreams, even the regular ones. But there are some parts of this experience with no visual input, at least nothing that can be easily described.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time? Yes. When I was experiencing immense pleasure, it felt timeless, until suddenly it no longer did, and I knew I was running out of time to make a decision.

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose? Yes. This was the first time the concept of God not truly understanding powerlessness, at least not without our "help," ever occurred to me. I also felt very certain of His power and oneness, the fact that He dwells within each and every one of us, and within all things, both living and inanimate. All is Him. Some of this was taught to me, but in the dream I had a deep certainty.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No.

Did you become aware of future events? No.

Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body? Yes. I felt I had to decide if I was going to live or die, especially once I had been made aware that I was dying.

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience? Yes. I still often feel His presence. He continues to have a relationship with me that can only be described in human words as "romantic." He speaks to me and guides me, lovingly and gently. He teaches me things. But at the same time, I am very aware that He keeps much, including the future, hidden from me. But this doesn't make me extra special or better than anyone else either. I just happened to be very receptive, and He took advantage of that, I think. Honestly, I think He wants to have deeper relationships with as many people as possible.

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience? Yes. It became a lot easier to study Torah, for example, because it became a tangible way to strengthen my faith. Previously, I found it a bit dull but kept trying because it matters to my people. When I think of it as a story He wrote for my people to become a people (much of it metaphorical, never meant to be taken as 100% historical hard fact), it is so much more beautiful and meaningful to me now. I do a lot of what I do in hopes that He will be proud of me.

How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices? I am even more religious now. But I also acknowledge that He speaks to people in their own languages, and so He validates people's preexisting beliefs when interacting with us (generally). Religion is (mostly) man-made (but really, even then, EVERYTHING is from Him, so...), and He loves all of us. I constantly try to be a righteous person now, always correcting my course when I fail. It can be exhausting but well worth the effort because I have always wanted to be a good person.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience? Yes. Again, my life has never been the same since. I experience constant yearning for His presence. I can even get depressed when I feel He hasn't been close enough to me in like, one whole day, lol. It's kinda pathetic. (But also, would you judge a suffocating person for craving air? I feel like I NEED Him THAT intensely.) He is often close at hand and very receptive to my neediness.

Have you shared this experience with others? Yes. I told many, many people the watered-down version. People generally think it's beautiful, and they're happy for me. But I'm afraid of judgment and dismissal, so I do not share the sexual part of it except with people I REALLY REALLY trust, which so far is only 3 people.

What emotions did you experience following your experience? Awe. Fear. Disbelief. Like I was absolutely insane. But also a lot of love and hope. Slowly growing my faith and trust as more and more weird stuff continues to happen to me.

What was the best and worst part of your experience? That the nature of it makes it so hard to share with others. Also, even the best pleasures of Earth are dulled now in comparison. I can still experience pleasure of the mundane type, but it's hard not to compare everything to Him.

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience? I'm not better than anyone else. I'm not a special person. I'm just a girl who loves God, and I got really, really lucky, I guess. I would rather be regarded as crazy and dismissed than put on a pedestal over this. I don't know why He chose this experience for me, but I am grateful He did. I believe we are entering an era where He will be much closer and more accessible to all of us, and soon.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience? Yes. I have had those experiences of lying awake at night while He overwhelms me. That's as close as it gets. And then semi-randomly (there are patterns to it, but I can't just have it happen at will), He will give me little bursts of that beautiful feeling.

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Uncertain. It's hard to know. I wish I had recorded it in detail sooner. I have just been too embarrassed.