Zen B's Experience
After my first quarter of college, I returned home and was going to ask my high school sweetheart to marry me. I had 'broken up' with her before going to school because I didn't want to violate my integrity (in my own mind) in case I became attracted to another girl. Yeah, well, teenagers don't have a lot of wisdom you know. In any case, I went to her house only to find out that she was already married...in just 9 weeks. I was heart-broken, much as she probably was as well, only I didn't think about the consequences before I had made my previous choice. Remember, teenagers don't have a lot of emotional wisdom yet. They have barely started to ask the right questions to get it.
I returned to school with my whole life ahead of me and I felt like I had nothing to live for now. I went inside and withdrew from my emotional quagmire. I was silent for a time, even in the classroom, where I'm usually quite outspoken. So, one evening I knelt in prayer and asked Heavenly Father to know what TRUTH was and I was willing to die for it if necessary. It was a most intense prayer because I called out from the depths of the despair within me. I don't really know if many go through this, especially at that age. As I found later, most people wait until their mid-40s to really begin this depth of search for connection with life. Strange as that may seem, the outer world has a profound affect on the development of the inner connections, or lack of them, due to the struggles involved.
The following week after school one day I was listening to the first album of a band called ‘Journey,’ lounging on my dorm room bed in a pseudo-meditative state. Yes, I'd had a couple of bong hits as well. I did experiment, although I wasn't abusive, and I always inhaled. During the second song on the album, In the Morning Day, there was a creative pause after the lyrics ended and before the rest of the song was played out. I heard that familiar “Voice” say, "Bruce (my given adoptive name), are you willing to die for what you believe in?" Immediately the “Voice” had my attention and I thought for a moment about what I believed in strongly enough to give up my life. Jesus Christ was it... not as organized religion knows him... only as I knew him to be much more than most comprehended. So I agreed.
Just as I said, "Yes," the music continued with a sound like a rocket ship taking off or going by at a phenomenal speed. I felt myself being gently pulled out of my body and so I let go and followed the pull. I looked back to see my body lying across my bed, as I had been doing. I'd had OBEs before so I was familiar with the feeling of leaving. What I found when I turned back to look where I was going was absolutely awesome. I was totally engulfed in white light... feeling at home, warm, rather effervescent and serene.
I soon realized that I was still fully conscious and as an impetuous teen, I asked if there was more. The light was great and wonderful, full of that 'homey' feeling... albeit a bit boring after a few moments. I had established that I could think, hear, and see, so I knew that I was still very much 'alive' even in this new place that I'd only heard you go to when you die. I did not ‘see’ any personage or anything else for that matter. When I asked the question about 'more,' I felt another slight movement and found myself in the center of a sphere of pinpoints of light, with an indigo background making the points stand out significantly. I could have counted them had I so desired as there were only a hundred or so in this cosmic scenery.
I could see in any direction simultaneously without sensing any movement. As I pondered these points of light, I recognized that they were points of consciousness, whether in body or not I wasn't sure. I knew I sure wasn't at that time. Just as I made this recognition, the “Voice” resumed, "These are those that you are to work with in order to facilitate the new world order. It will happen in your lifetime. Know this to be true. Your path will be most difficult, full of trials and tribulations. Know that you will succeed. Trust and have faith that everything you need will be there at the appropriate time. Trust and allow."
At the finish of these words I felt another rush of energy, stronger than the other two movements, and found myself gasping for air as I was back in my body once again. I kept my eyes closed for a few moments, totally enjoying the reintegration process as my body felt oh, so wonderful to me. The feeling of being 'born again' was as great as the feeling in the white light had been. I opened my eyes and wondered what the f.. had just happened to me. I could only relate to the experience as it was... with everything that happened as REALITY... because it was.
My mind became the insatiably curious one again, so I immediately went to the campus library in search of empirical data... or something in writing that explained what I had just went through. In 1975 there was not much information available at the time. Even though I knew internally, in those depths of understanding beyond mental activity, I still needed the intellectual explanations to help me get a handle on some kind of congruent reality that I could live.
I told my adoptive parents soon after and found myself speaking with a psychologist. They thought I was ‘on drugs’ and on ‘acid’ specifically. I almost wish that I was because it would have made it much easier to dismiss the entire experience. I suppose that would be a normal reaction from people who had no direct experience from which to relate to my own. I still find that so today whenever I share things in group settings. It took me many years to understand the dynamics of what those few moments truly meant and what my life's mission was in accordance with the experience of being in the presence of God (or whatever you may call it). I now knew the purpose of my life. That was the easy part. I also had to figure out just how it was all going to happen and what I needed to do to facilitate the process, as I had been told I would. Now that has been a lifelong task.
The psychiatrist had his own perfect role in this process. The doctor listened intently as I described my experiences from childhood through the White Light. It took nearly three sessions to get through it all. He asked pertinent questions along the way to ‘check in’ with my coherence and observations of my own experience. About half way through the third session he confided in me. “Bruce,” he said, “I don’t think you are crazy. As I’ve listened to your experiences, it appears to me that you have all the classic signs of one going through a spiritual awakening."
Most people don’t experience anything like this until their mid-40s, if they ever do, according to him. He was curious as to why I was experiencing this so young. He thought it went without saying that it was not a good idea for me to talk so openly about it, especially with my parents, at that point in time. I heard that as meaning, “Keep your mouth shut for now.” He went on to share something I would have never expected from a psychiatrist. He asked me to please follow him upstairs as he would like to show me something.
His office was in a historic two-story in Indiana. I followed him up the stairs and to our right, he opened the first door. My heart nearly exploded out of my chest as the door opened. I realized some time later it was my heart chakra opening to the graciousness of the world I was about to enter. I peered inside the door and noticed bookshelves lined with books nearly covering the walls along with metaphysical posters and icons placed around the room. I was amazed that he could be so ‘hip’ and that my parents chose him. Somehow they were not aware of these ‘other’ methodologies in his practice.
Just inside the door were a fold up table and two chairs with a deck of tarot cards setting in the center of the table. He asked me if I knew what they were and I explained that I did, citing my understanding of them being tools to gain understanding through setting oneself aside and ‘conferring’ with the Divine Source. He asked me if I had ever had a ‘reading’ and would I be interested in exploring their insights. I knew I could not tell my parents about this for sure. I admitted that I would love to see what they had to offer about my experiences and life to unfold.
I can only say that the reading, according to his interpretation anyway, revealed that there was great truth to what I had shared of my experience and there was much more to come. The reading seemed to echo what the Voice had told me in the White Light with expanded explanations. I still was confused about what it all meant, although it was quite clear that I was in for one heck of a ride in this life. Looking back on this it was quite apparent that my life was going to involve the quest for Truth and figuring out the means for which to share understanding, leading toward a new living awareness of harmony among people and planet. My young mind could not even begin to wrap itself around the journey I was about to embark upon. I knew that my purpose was to find these points of light and figure out a way to collaborate with them in order to facilitate a new world order. I knew this was to happen in my lifetime, yet it seemed like such a dream at the time.
Living that purpose has indeed made my life full of trials and tribulations. Most people never find out what their true life's purpose is, even in their 40s and beyond. Yet, at 18, I was informed of what my purpose for being here was all about. I didn't have to search for it. I just had to live it now. I wasn't concerned as to what that might mean as far as my own identity, future exposure, or how I would be perceived.
I did not take the
doctor’s advice and kept sharing my contemplations and experiences throughout my
life. Now that I'm older, I've had many more experiences that have led me down
the path of discovery of Self and Identity and I'm still a bit reluctant to
accept the fullness of it, even though it appears to be true beyond any
reasonable doubt. What I remain focused on is not the identity... it is THE
Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience? Uncertain I was also experimenting with psychotropic drugs at the time, but not for several weeks before or after the experience. I did smoke some pot after coming home from class, but not enough to have caused such an experience in my opinion.
Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes Only the feeling of being in the light, it was like being totally encompassed by love, limitless oscillating vibrational energy, which is hard to explain any other way.
At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event? No
What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience? Totally awake and aware of the environment I was in, but unaware of my body and dorm room at all.
Was the experience dream like in any way? No, it was a fully conscious experience that I have yet to find in any literature or research documentation.
Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body? Yes As I said in the narrative, I actually turned to look at my body laying across my dorm room bed. I'd had numerous OBEs as a young boy, so I was able to observe the experience to some degree.
What emotions did you feel during the experience? When I left my body at first, I felt free and fearless. When I entered, or became surrounded by, the light I felt like I was 'home' or 'in everything and everywhere' in that moment.
Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises? I was listening to an album, but I did hear a high-pitched 'white noise' as I entered the light. The only other things I heard were my own thoughts and the voice of the guide that was talking to me.
LOCATION DESCRIPTION: Did you recognize any familiar locations or any locations from familiar religious teachings or encounter any locations inhabited by incredible or amazing creatures? Uncertain I saw a vast group of points of light on an indigo background. In instinctively knew they were points of consciousness, whether in body or not...?
Did you see a light? Yes I didn't see it at a distance, was not taken down a tunnel or anything like that. I was instantly engulfed by it. All I could see in any direction was this light.
Did you meet or see any other beings? Uncertain The whole process was initiated by a being, by voice only, and the points of light appeared to be conscious as well.
When I had sufficient
data after realizing I could see, think, but not feel I asked if there was more.
That is when I felt a movement of energy and found myself in the sphere of
points of light. The whole event felt like a cosmic family reunion of sorts,
with me being the guest of honor.
Did you experiment while out of the body or in another, altered state? No
Not at this time. There were other events previous to this that I was able to travel, witness events and even communicate with others. This event was unlike anything I'd experienced to date.
Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later? Uncertain I had never heard the term 'new world order' and a decade or so later heard the phrase 'a thousand points of light'
Did you notice how your 5 senses were working, and if so, how were they different? Yes That was part of my 'check' to make sure I was still alive. I could think and see, but I couldn't 'feel' any tactile sensations or 'smell' anything at all. I heard the voice clearly, though.
Did you have any sense of altered space or time? Yes It felt like I was gone for much longer than it was. The couple of minute journey seemed like I was there for a much longer time.
Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose? Yes Well, to reiterate the narrative, I did have a knowing of progress for the human race and my role of facilitation in the 'new world order' working with the points of light.
Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No
Did you become aware of future events? Uncertain I've watched environmental and social conscious increase regarding better administration of planetary resources. My awareness of personal and spiritual connections have increased dramatically, but it's been 33 years.
Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body? No
Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience? Uncertain I had many experiences as a youth and have continued them through adulthood. I'm sure that the experience opened my mind to greater possibilities, but I've always had a penchant for exploring inner worlds while seeking to find outer connections with people, places and things.
I've experienced astral
travel, telepathy, psycho kinesis, bi-locating, teleporting, 'merkabah'
activation, as well and contactee events and journeys across the cosmos during a
'multi-level awareness' technique with a facilitator. The latter was not an
intentional journey. It happened completely outside our intended process.
Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience? Uncertain I already had an awareness the Christ or Cosmic Consciousness was attainable, although I knew that 'Christianity' fell short of encapsulating the 'truth' of ability to know our divine potential.
How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices? Relationships have been challenging, usually because I require a much deeper and open philosophy about life. I have an insatiable curiosity of how to integrate science and spirituality, not just from an academic standpoint, but to put it into a living awareness on a physical level.
My children have also approached me with questions about their own personal experiences and even my grand children have wanted to know how to deal with seeing 'spirits' in their home.
I changed from a career path of medicine to psychology initially. The following year I bought a couple of sets of drums, had to move out of the dorm into a house with no heat (during one of the worst winters on record) and getting beat up at a frat house. I ended up in the hospital and my parents decided to commit me for a time. I was on the edge and needed some boundaries, but the worst was that no one would listen to what I needed to resolve within me, the experiences beyond our normal reality that no one seemed to be able to help me understand, let alone just listen.
I followed my fathers footsteps for a decade or so as a meat cutter and machinist, moving to Phoenix after the local economy tanked. I did my best to walk through the doors that opened from then on, both personally and professionally. I worked in the aerospace industry, eventually becoming a production control coordinator, and ventured into many other things after my divorce.
After my divorce I reconnected with my spiritual path and proceeded to try and align my professional endeavors with it. I eventually went back to college and completed two masters degrees in Business (I wanted to figure out how to use my knowledge in the corporate world). I produced television shows, played in bands and eventually taught high school for several years.
I wrote two project plans for model communities, including a peer-community for at-risk teenagers. I just recently formed another non-profit organization for promoting educational/scientific events that bring the 'new living awareness' permeating the 'seekers' of today.
Right now I'm looking
for grants while completing a book and redesign of a website I've used to
promote the concept
Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience? Yes Absolutely! I'm not sure if it is better or worse, as I've grown to accept it just 'as it is' with a faith that more will become clear as human consciousness evolves.
Have you shared this experience with others? Yes Mixed... My parents had me see a psychiatrist. Others thought I was trying to claim to be a Messiah, which was NOT what I was intending. Some have welcomed the 'story' with renewed hope for our planetary civilization.
I wrote a piece that
explored the dynamics of the experience and offered more of a 'collective' skew
based on taking a higher consciousness approach.
What emotions did you experience following your experience? For lack of a better.. pure mania. I was on fire with the information and wanted to share it with everyone, not because it put me in a special light (no pun intended), but because it gave hope that we would have a better world soon.
What was the best and worst part of your experience? Best - Reunion with celestial family (for lack of a better).
Worst - Initially,
being viewed as being crazy and disconnected from 'reality.' On a go-forward,
plagued by continual consternation about what to do about it and being able to
earn a living with what I love to do.
Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience? I've always maintained the faith and trust, like I was told to do, that everything I needed would be there at the appropriate time, but it has been a real challenge at times. It is humbling to say the least.
Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience? Yes The following year I returned to the light via a massive dose of LSD. Only this time I was on my drums and when I connected with the eyes of my girlfriend, who was sitting across from me, everything around me went white. However, I could still see my drums, cymbals, body and floor where I was. I continued to play as I was not afraid and felt I needed to just 'be' in that place for a bit. Within a few moments, the room and she returned to my sight. She had a very strange look, though, so I asked what was going on. She asked me where I went to because it appeared to her that I had vanished for those few moments. Weird...
Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Uncertain I'm not used to being able to express it so freely, uninhibited in my 'story.'
Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire. I think your questionnaire pretty comprehensive. You've asked that pertinent questions to possibly integrate these experiences with others. I think there is much more to discover regarding our ability and capability to grow and learn how to use 'paranormal' experiences to assist our human evolution.