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Wayne's Experience

Experience description:   

I took LSD for the second, and LAST time in my life, during the winter at college. I was a die-hard atheist, into punk rock music, and fond of trashing the beliefs of Christians and anyone who believed in 'warm fuzzy feelings'. I was rather rotten and spoiled, not always, but there was a definite nasty side to me. The first time I took LSD, I noticed visual patterns, etc., but my ego was totally unperturbed. THIS time, I was in for a surprise. 

I took it with a group of 'hippies'. I considered my punk rock and atheist ways to be far superior to their 'peace and love' mentality. Things seemed to be going fine, a typical trip, until suddenly, I was at a complete loss as to what to do. My brain was stuck in dualism. "I can go this way, or I can stay here..." Everything up until then, was mere unconscious reaction. Every action I made was an automatic reaction to the stimulus given. If someone was nice to me, I was nice to them, maybe, and if someone was mean to me, I was twice as mean back. Suddenly, it's as if clarity of choice, free will itself, was dawning on me. I had NO IDEA what to do with this! I tried to 'pack it back down' and continue as if I was just experiencing 'a cool ride'. 

Finally, at the peak moment, I felt it. A moment where multiple layers of meaning and information existed and were understood by me simultaneously. this wasn't an effect of the drug, this was God getting my attention. The drug was incapacitating my ego. This was TERRIFYING. I felt that the little tiny 'me' that I thought I was, which I thought was so smart and better than everyone, better than a nonexistent 'god', was an illusion, dissolving. Because that is all that I thought I was, I panicked, I would cease to exist! no! I used every ounce of strength to hold on to my ego. 

the room suddenly felt like a giant womb, I felt what it's like to be born! the room divided into a gigantic yin/yang symbol, the 'peace and love' hippies where on the far side, the white side, and me and another negative type (unbeliever as it were) were at the black side. the hippies either themselves, or just next to them angels who were so close they basically overlapped, began sprouting wings of light, I could 'hear' a holy song being sung. meanwhile, on my side, I saw my own evil and wretchedness and selfishness completely for what it was. Inexcusable pessimism, negativity and fear. My friend as well, who began to take on the form of a 'devil' not so much that he looked it, but the energy of his sarcasm and negativity was so plain, I couldn't stand it, nor myself. I took the symbolism literally, and told him, 'get out! be gone from me!'  

The hippies could tell I was having a rough time, so they suggested my friend leave for a few minutes, as this would probably calm me down. he did, with a confused look, "what the hell did I do?" lol. It wasn't him as much as what I saw in him that was in myself that upset me. 

For the first time ever, I felt a part of myself that was not egotistical and selfish, a part that saw the truth of God's existence, and love. I began to speak from that place, "There is, a truth!" I said. Suddenly, I could feel the surging power of what I was saying, pure love was coming from my mouth, for the first time, unselfish words! It was as if, someone was speaking THROUGH me. Everyone in the room leaned forward, they could tell I had something very big to say... 

The flow stopped, I reverted to my selfish reaction, 'oh, um, well, nothing really, no big deal..." They all disappointedly sat back in their seats. 'back to normal' lol. 

After that experience, I couldn't go back to who I was. For several weeks I tried. It was too late, I knew there was a God, and I knew I had been missing love in my life all this time, (true, unconditional love), but I hadn't fully accepted it. After a prolonged and hellish 'dark night of the soul', in which I learned that the only way to have love, is to give it to others, whether through your own forgiveness, etc. or just a smile., I finally accepted Jesus Christ into my heart, in a moment of total tears and desperation three weeks later. I wasn't on any drugs at that time, but I could feel the undeniable spirit of Jesus Christ swoop into my heart, like the most powerful energy ever, yet gentle. This spirit took on the burden of all my pain from my youth, I could feel all the childhood memories that had hardened my heart melt away as he took the pain unto himself. I was saved! 

I immediately stopped drinking. I gradually stopped smoking pot. I am now free of any substance for 10 years, and I stay away from even caffeine! lol. But what's more important to me, is I realized how important it is to be LOVING, in the face of any adversity, and don't let anything or anyone turn you negative. I also do meditation and tai chi (yin yang! haha), and I've realized that those, along with prayer, are a better path than drugs and LSD for experiencing God. The drugs were like a quick shortcut, cheating on a test. I found what I was looking for, but only probably because God knew I was looking for him, more than I knew that I was. Slowing building up love through prayerful meditation, is a more powerful and lasting way to 'enlightenment', I've realized. 

I realize this wasn't a 'near-death' experience, but at the same time, if I hadn't had that experience, I would probably be dead, or at least mentally ill, as I was a complete alcoholic and druggie at the time. I get the sense that God wants me for better things, and he had to step in, in this case.

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes     many of the aspects of the knowledge I gained were familiar to me, i.e., being one with everything, the preciousness of life, 'oh what a work is man!', but it impacted me in an emotional and undeniably visceral way that goes far beyond mere brain-understanding.

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          No      

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?    during the 'peak' about 6 hours in. But also, when I experienced Jesus 5 weeks later.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal every day consciousness and alertness?    More consciousness and alertness than normal

If your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience was different from your normal every day consciousness and alertness, please explain:            during the 'peak' about 6 hours in. But also, when I experienced Jesus 5 weeks later.

Did your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect, such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)?  Yes     some LSD hallucination, but the experience of angels was not related to the LSD directly. It was a clear and direct thing, whereas hallucinations are 'druggy', they were somehow different.

Did your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness, etc.)?            Uncertain     

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     No

What emotions did you feel during the experience?            I felt like, perhaps how Adam feels next to God on the Sistine ceiling. Naked, vulnerable, but somehow loved and supported.

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?          No      

Did you see a light?           No      

Did you meet or see any other beings?           Yes     angels. Everyone alive probably has one, or at least, they are more easily visible next to loving people.

Did you experience a review of past events in your life?    Yes     weeks later, when I was saved by Christ, I felt all the past wrongs done to me cleansed, or carried up by Him.

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          No      

Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions?           No           

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Yes     I sensed that God lives outside of time.

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?     Yes    

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No      

Did you become aware of future events?       No           

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you did not have prior to the experience?     Yes     I began affecting others around me, 'melting' their egos as well. I don't believe this was me, but rather, the Holy Spirit was able to use me as a conduit to reach others after I was open to it. Several people were reduced to tears, for no apparent reason, and one teenage friend told me, "I don't know what you did to me the last few days, but you make me want to be nicer to my mom and stuff..."

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes     It's hit and miss. I've decided I'll know when the time and person is right to reveal it to. People who aren't ready to hear it will just dismiss any of it. I've had particular trouble being believed by so-called fundamentalist Christians, even though I describe a pretty straightforward experience of salvation.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?    No       I had been reading the Tao Te Ching, and couldn't understand a word of it. I was more interested in exotic religions, I was kind of 'disappointed' to find out that Christianity was true. LOL 

However, reading the Tao Te Ching afterwards, I can now fully understand it as well.

How did you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:            Experience was probably real    In as much as it affected my life and future, and in as much as it affected others around me, changing them to positive ways and lifestyles, it was absolutely real, which is as real as it needs to be!

Were there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful or significant to you?            realizing how little love I had in myself, and how IMPOVERISHED I was spiritually because of it, was huge.

How do you currently view the reality of your experience:            Experience was definitely real   

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?           Yes     Everyone has remarked that I'm more 'normal' now, and less 'crazy' i.e., less of a selfish prick. haha. 

I'm much more compassionate towards homeless people and the handicapped. I don't want to judge anyone now, regardless.

Have your religious beliefs/practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?           
Yes     I definitely believe in God now. I had a hard time afterwards. At first, I became 'fundamentalist', but I realized a lot of those people haven't really experienced God at all, they're just talking about an idea of God. They also seemed to be more interested in FEARING God than LOVING God. 

I had trouble believing that Buddhists and Catholics went to hell, as many tried to tell me. I eventually settled on being a Quaker. I don't know if it is necessary to accept Jesus for salvation, or if he is the same as Krishna to Indians, but I know, it was necessary for me. I like to stick to my experience of God, more than just what the bible says, as I also believe gays go to heaven too. My understanding, is that God ONLY cares about how loving you are on earth, and that's IT.  For those that get lost on the way, Jesus is there to help. I believe you can accept him after you die as well. I currently read 'A course in Miracles'. This seems much closer to the theology of what I experienced.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         Yes     I did mushrooms the following summer, and had a similar experience, one of the unity of mankind, and the necessity of love. That was the last psychedelic I ever did. I now recommend meditation to achieve this.

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?        I know it's so easy to write off my experiences as 'drug-related', but so many things happened when I WASN'T on drugs. I could write a book. I recommend people read, 'the Celestine prophecy', that's very similar to what I experienced and still experience to this day.

Did the questions asked and information you provided so far accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?         Yes    

Are there any other questions we could ask to help you communicate your experience?   not the questionnaire so much, but the website design. I would work on the font selection, and colors. As an artist, I could maybe help with this, so you could come up with something more attractive and consistent