Tracy S's Experience

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Experience description:   

First of all, and I hesitate to say this lest you dismiss my whole experience, I have been diagnosed w/bipolar disorder (after this series of events).  I became a Christian in 1994, but left my faith in 97 seeking out every opposing view I could find. In 2000 I found myself back on my knees and falling in love with God all over again, even stronger than at first. I was studying my Bible daily and felt I was in a state of overwhelming learning.

In this joyous state of mind I had a dream one night that came in three parts.  2 months later I fell into a deep depression and overdosed in a suicide attempt. I had written down this dream (as I do a lot of dreams) and had completely forgotten about it by the time of suicide attempt.

In part one I will tell the dream and put in parentheses the actual event that I think it was about. If you can't handle part one, go to part 2, that's the real deal part, but I just KNOW this dream is connected.

Part 1)  I was shot in the back by my husband at first and it was very close to my heart, Neither I nor my husband could locate the exact location of the bullet. (2 years later I found out that during that time my husband was being unfaithful which I take to mean "bullet in the back")

         I was told I must get to emergency room immediately to remove the bullet. (I luckily was taken to emergency room within 20 minutes of swallowing a lethal dosage of pills)

         In the dream, at the hospital, I was wearing heavy garments in which I couldn't move easily. (I was unconscious by the time I arrived at the hospital, and faded very briefly in and out, rarely for 2 days)

         In the dream I wanted to call my husband but for two reasons I couldn't, one was that I couldn't use my right arm because it broke in half, and two was that my husband had bought tickets to go to New York.  (My arm had an IV in it that prevented me from touching my husband, I repeatedly asked for him but thought he was a doctor, and never knew he was there. Also, some of the time I was asking for him, he was seeing his brother off to New York, and had helped him purchase tickets)

          In the dream, the doctor had told me that I might die as they tried to remove the bullet (the poisons?) and that I might want to call my family and then I saw in my dream my whole family around my bed. (In real life my family was all around me in the bed and they didn't know for a long time if I would live or die.)

           Lastly, in the dream I told my family many hateful and angry things about my husband. (My family tells me that when I was coming out of it I told them repeatedly that my husband didn't love me and said many angry things about him.)

Part 2, I will write it here exactly as I wrote it after the dream.

           I was standing and could feel my own presence, and the presence of a crowd, unseen, but praising and loving off to my right--but many.

           A man spoke in a very loud voice, but the words weren't exactly spoken. They WERE spoken--we all understood them and heard them, but one or two sentences contained much more meaning--and in the moment it was TRUTH, LOVE, Acknowledgement. The man was either emanating, radiating, or standing in but floating in a blue white light. Not that I could see it beginning in him--but it was all around and shining on me and flowing outwards towards us and down.  The words were something that he had "led me out--had shown me something--so that I would believe in Him"  Also the man had a beard-and I thought he was a prophet. I wish I could fully describe it. One word would be Glory! Definitely I was known by this man and by all the others in presence with us, and all good was desired for me. But I only know that from how I felt, yet I felt it because it WAS. 

Part 3,  Next dream, I am at a public Christian demonstration with balloons and such and I am towards the back of a large crowd. There is going to be evangelism. I am embarrassed because it is close to my family, I don't want them to see me there because they don't believe in God or especially in Jesus or the Bible. I am off in a corner and my eldest son comes running up to me telling me he knows the plans of "the enemy" and I am embarrassed that my son is speaking of the devil in public. I want to shush him because deep in my heart I either doubt his existence, or am ashamed to admit I believe evil exists and that there is an "enemy".

I wake up and write all that down.

Like I said, two months later I become depressed. My husband isn't a believer, and I find myself tempted at college to become involved with a Christian classmate. I know I cannot do this, and I struggle over my desires. I fight with my husband and begin to be hard on myself about being a poor Christian, I get very depressed. I get diagnosed with bipolar disorder, my religious experiences get called "mania" and I eventually overdose.

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?     Uncertain

I was approximately 30 days free of marijuana and nicotine.

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes

It was hard to express how real it was, how bright, yet soft the light was, the sound of the mans voice, the presence I felt, and the fact that I really believe I was shown something in my own future. People don't believe, they seem to always try to explain it some other way.

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          Uncertain

I believe God know I was facing an upcoming life threatening event in a suicide attempt, and revealed it to me in this dream. At the time of the dream I was not aware in any manner of depression, but was in fact in a very joyful place in my faith.

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?           Sleeping

            Was the experience dream like in any way?   Part one and three were, but part two was definitely different, much more vivid. More REAL, hard to explain.

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Uncertain

In part two, I was there, but didn't feel my body.

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?           his voice was very loud and full, amplified.

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?          No

Did you see a light?           Yes

blue white light, in rays , but soft

Did you meet or see any other beings?           Yes

The man appeared as a prophet to me but I don't know if he was a prophet, or an angel, or Jesus, but I feel most comfortable saying that whatever He was he appeared to me as a prophet.  I felt the presence of many, many others, but didn't see them.

Did you experience a review of past events in your life?    No

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          Uncertain

I think the dream was symbolically just as future events, but a skeptic could argue. But there is really nothing that can't be explained in the dream, if it is what I think it is.

Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions?           Yes

I believe God brought me to a setting, it may have been a creation just for that time in my dream, but it felt so real.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Uncertain

You know those dreams where you wake up and you just KNOW they were important so you write them down? magnify that! because I felt like I had come from somewhere rather than had woken up.

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?    Uncertain

At the time of the dream, i didn't think God had shown me the future. I was trying to figure out what the dream meant, but couldn't really. I thought God "leading me out and showing me something" was a past tense thing, and I was trying to figure out what the big lesson was God had shown me, and I thought perhaps it was grace, because I had recently returned to my faith.

It was only after the suicide attempt that I saw how interconnected the dreams seem to be and that what he showed me was the future, and that His reason for doing so was to increase my faith and give me comfort and love.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No

Did you become aware of future events?       Yes

Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body?       No

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?         Uncertain

I believe so. I believe I have had an out of body experience recently. Also in a dream. I flew in this dream for the first time, I also got very, very dizzy and thought I was going to die, fell down, then called out for help (which I also said aloud in my bed and woke myself up) But in this experience I was definitely in a different place, and I saw and hugged my dead grandmother, as well as a man that I absolutely recognized in the dream, but who I have no idea who he is (or was) in real life. I cannot shake the feeling that I was in a spiritual realm. My husband thinks I'm a nut. Do I sound like a nut?

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?   Yes

God has become more real to me, life after death a more certain belief.

How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices?       I keep wanting to re-experience these things, or experience more of the same. It is sometimes difficult to focus on God, and not the "experience". To serve others instead of myself. (Not that it's ever been easy to deny myself)

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?         Yes

Increasingly as time goes by. Other things keep reinforcing that this was a real experience.

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes

Disbelief. Rolling their eyes at me. Trying to explain through psychology, self fulfilling prophesy, psychiatric illness, anything but God. My mother believes me.

What emotions did you experience following your experience?  Confusion, Joy, Longing to die and have peace, Hope, Resentment that others don't believe, doubt

What was the best and worst part of your experience?      The love I felt, the confidence in God,  The doubt caused by others lack of belief in me and my honesty.

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?        I want to speak to someone in real life about this, but don't know where to go. I am very nervous about the new age thing because I think there is fraud, yet I know others could accuse me of making this up, and I'm not.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?               Uncertain

I don't really think this was a near death experience exactly, but this seemed a good place to tell what happened. Is this an NDE or some other phenomenon? There is no way to fully describe something like this.

Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire.    Have you ever doubted the meaning of your experience?

Were there, or are there any reasons you might hesitate to fully explore what your experience could mean to you or others? (i.e  change of religious beliefs, loss of friends or relatives, fear of becoming obsessed, etc?)