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Suzy P's Experience

Experience description:   

I was married, mother of two beautiful little boys, had just taken my last law school exam (I graduated mid-year due to spending one semester off because of sick baby).  I was depressed about the rest of my life, didn't really like law, didn't want to spend the rest of my life working 8 to 5--to what purpose?  Had had an unhappy adolescence and very insecure person, although highly intelligent and probably with "psychic gifts" as child, although totally unaware of it until after the experience, when looked in retrospect. Was at best an agnostic. Considered religion opiate of masses. 

Called friend to see if she would go out with me to local pub so I could cry into my beer and on her shoulder. She agreed, but first we had to stop and visit her paraplegic brother (about 19 years old) in his dorm room. I had at this point been studying karate (Shotokan) for about 18 months, and was pretty much obsessed with it.  It felt like "home". I had noticed some "psychic" phenomena in recent months--not sure if I associated it with karate study at that time, but probably. It was just odd: knowing stuff mostly, being aware when my children needed me even when I was far, running to them without knowing why to find them injured, etc.  Anyway, I utilized my karate training to "rise above" my depression long enough to get through this visit with the brother. (I.e. not let others know you are injured when in battle, set aside pain until you have safety to deal with it).  I went with my friend to the dorm door, she knocked, and a gruff voice said, "Who is it?"  As she opened the door her brother looked around, raising his head off his arms on the desk, and I could see he had been crying. "What do you want?" he asked none-too-kindly.  My friend told me he had been depressed because of his paralysis and that he would never know what it was like to be a "man" with a girl (result of car accident).  At that moment, I suddenly "knew" that he would be laughing by the time we left, and that all things flow to the Good, as rivers flow to the ocean. 

At that point "I" split into three different parts.  The one I identified as my "self" was non-physical, and was in no particular physical place, although aware of what was happening.  I later, in formulating words to describe this experience, called it the "observer", or the "eye", although I was not seeing with my eyes.  I was just "aware".  During the actual experience, I did not feel any emotion or investment in what was going on: just aware.  

The other parts consisted of the physical component (the body), which I subsequently termed the puppet.  The puppet was manipulated by what I called the "puppet master". The puppet master was also non-physical, but it was all-knowing and all-powerful and incredible love emanated from it. I don't remember "seeing" light, as opposed to just knowing that energy emanated from it.  I then observed a very remarkable play, as I thought of it--a bit of theatre if you will. The puppet was put through its moves, and anybody watching would not have known that I was not the one manipulating it--that I wasn't even "there"! It was like I had vacated the body and turned it over to a greater force.  I recall that there was an aquarium in the room (such as you would keep snakes in), and the puppet bent down to look into the aquarium, was suddenly confronted by a big hairy tarantula. The puppet jumped back in a comic display of fright, and for some reason my friend's brother found this funny and burst into laughter. The act continued for about 10-15 minutes with various subtle interactions, a kind of gentle and non-confrontational use of the puppet/body to distract and lighten the spirit of the brother without seeming to have that as a purpose.  

When we left he was having deep belly laughs.  As we shut the door behind her, my friend said, "Wow, I haven't seen him in that good a mood for a long time."  By then, as we were going out the door, "I" had folded back together. HOWEVER, I immediately was aware that I had had what one person described as an "information dump".  The first concept that kept coming back to me afterward was: "Wow, that was as easy as falling off a log".  Of course it isn't easy to get from here to that consciousness because something is blocking us--but in reality, it is THERE, just a moment of letting go away.   

So what was the information I got.  Well, I spent months thereafter trying to put it into words, as it was all really beyond words.  It was like a very good joke. Some concepts I took away: A)  There is no death.  There is nothing to die. The "individual" is like a country or state, a shared concept that depends upon a group buying into it. There is no actual line that separates ND from SD, yet there is total sharing in the illusion of such a line, of such a phantom entity. It's the same with people.  There is of course rocks and trees and stuff that make up the country or state, and the rocks and trees are real, just like there are cells that form the physical body, but it is only a temporary state. (and there is no separation in the physical world, although it "seems" like a body is separate from other physical reality, it really isn't, it is connected by the space between, which is not empty).  The physical components of the body will fall apart, be remixed with other parts of the physical world, be reconstituted in other ways, forever. I saw that bits of spirit broke off from the Great Spirit and entered bodies for a period of time, and that this mixture created what we know as the individual life, and this happened through eternity.  I was always confused about this because I didn't see the karmic progression of lives that others talk about (of course I knew little about reincarnation concepts at the time, but did study them later).  However, it was strange I didn't see the conservation of identity--in the understanding I got, the bit of spirit re-mixed with its source, and--just like the physical body--new bits broke off.  It was strange because I saw (or was given knowledge) of so much else that conformed to other accounts, but not that.  It is only recently that I have read things that make me wonder if what I saw as the Great Spirit was the over soul, or if indeed it was not the lot of my spirit/consciousness to have lived other earth lives. 

B) I saw that all of life is perfect, exactly as it should be, including all human beings.  I saw that each contained inside him/herself what I called the "diamond", "located" in the abdomen, which could not stop shining but which could be buried under the garbage of illusion and confusion. It is our job to clean our diamond and keep it clean so it can shine brightly. 

C) I saw that Love and Beauty were the same thing, and they had no opposites. Under them (it) were all the opposites: up/down, right/wrong, smart/dumb, etc. Only Love/Beauty was complete in itself. Hate and ugliness are just illusions, because they don't really exist; however, there can appear to be a separation from Love/Beauty that creates the illusion. Everything else has an opposite. I saw that in the beginning All That Is was undifferentiated, like a sheet of white paper that goes on and on in all directions.  Of course that meant there was nothing (no thing).  At the same time it was every thing, undifferentiated.  From All That Is was created all things: imagine like cutting cookies out of a flat expanse of dough.  You have a star-cookie, but you also have a negative star-cookie. That is the essence of the creation of opposites, and why everything but Love (the essential attribute of All That Is) has an opposite.  The star cookie can be further divided--little squares can be cut out of it--and you get complexities of positive and negative space. However, the key is that all these pieces can be fitted back together to once again create All That Is.  It is like solving an algebraic equation.  It all must fold back into Zero, the symbol of Everything/Nothing.  The whole equation is contained within Zero.   

I saw so much more.  I spent months and months trying to catch all the concepts in the net of words before I lost them completely, as I could not secure them in memory without words.  During that period of time I was suffused with a love for everybody and everything.  I had lost my fear of death, I had lost my fear of almost everything. It stayed with me in lessening degrees for years.  I tried to recreate the experience, and to find ways for others to experience it, but was unsuccessful. 

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?     No      

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes    

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          No      

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?           Super consciousness.

            Was the experience dream like in any way?   no

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Yes    

What emotions did you feel during the experience?            None at the time, but euphoria afterward.

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?           No.

LOCATION DESCRIPTION:  Did you recognize any familiar locations or any locations from familiar religious teachings or encounter any locations inhabited by incredible or amazing creatures?    No            Did not consciously travel from the scene of event.

Did you see a light?           No       Light is a form of energy, but there is a "lighter" form.

Did you meet or see any other beings?           No       Just the essential components of life as stated above.

Did you experiment while out of the body or in another, altered state? No      

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          No      

Did you notice how your 5 senses were working, and if so, how were they different?          Yes     I was not seeing, hearing, smelling with the usual senses. I just had awareness.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Yes     Space was altered.

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?    Yes            Absolutely.  I suddenly was given incredible knowledge.  It was like I understood what Jesus meant when he said it was "good news".  This knocked the socks off me, because I did not believe in this type of experience, or in a spiritual reality, at the time.

Did you become aware of future events?       No       Not at the time. I did subsequently as my psychic abilities were heightened.

Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body?       No       Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?   Yes     I actually had many psychic experiences that frightened me because they were out-of-sync with my environment (family, friends, associates, job) and I varied between periods of "shut-down/fear" and "back to the path".  It was a very difficult period of adjustment and integration.

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?   Yes     Complete turn-around. It was totally unexpected. I changed in those 10-15 minutes.

How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices?       I subsequently divorced and moved away from ND to Alaska, the place of my birth.  Although I often tried to resume life on a more "normal" basis, I was regularly "pushed" on my path.  It was often frustrating, awkward, embarrassing, and sometimes exhilarating.  It was not easy. I read everything of a spiritual nature (not religious nature) that I could find after my experience, from Carlos Castanada to Herman Hesse. I was starved for it. Over the years I have seen acceptance of the spiritual realm become more prevalent and many many more books of all kinds about it.  I devoured the early books about NDEs for example.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?         Yes     Totally changed.  Most real experience of my life. Never doubted that for a moment.

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes     Shortly after the experience, I was sitting with my friend (the one that was present during it) and a street-walker came by.  She made some derogatory comment about her, and I said, "She's absolutely perfect just as she is." She looked at me strangely and with fear and I knew I couldn't talk about it.  So I shut up for about 15 years.  By then (the 1990s) the receptiveness to spirituality had increased and I was able to share it with others, and I did.

What emotions did you experience following your experience?  I was euphoric. For days I was walking on a cloud.  I felt loved and I loved everyone and everything.  Everything was beautiful.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?      The best was the experience, the knowledge, realizing that all I have to do is "get out of the way" and my physical life can be utilized for its highest purpose, that "I" am not at all what I thought I was.  

The worst part has been the consequences of it, trying to integrate this experience into my life and my own very occluded "diamond". Even though I didn't see the identity of reincarnation (as opposed to a more free-wheeling "game" of spirit and physicality) it appeared that somehow I had stumbled upon some great "secret", but I still had tons of lessons to undergo to be ready for continuity and total integration of the knowledge acquired. My life was not easy.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No       Not to that extent and depth.

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?               Yes