Steve T's Experience


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Experience description:   

This was the first time I had tried magic mushrooms. Had previous experience with LSD but never had this peak experience. NB. the set and setting were probably one of the worst possible - full of mistrust and aggression. Marijuana and alcohol were also consumed.

I became white light. Just as the effects of drink and grass were kicking in, a companion drove me to a liquor outlet for supplies. In an instant, I became white light and ceased to exist but sort of existed at the same time. I can only relate white light as: all that is, all that isn't, all that could be, all that cannot be, all that has yet to be and all that will never be.

As for not existing but existing... It's taken me years to come up with a woefully inadequate description. To become white light is to become God, because God is ALL inclusive. God is white light - pure information, without content (to paraphrase Marshall Mcluhan). But as soon as there's definition, information becomes corrupted with content.

The original sin is a singularity. Because even in the parameter of a singularity, it excludes all that is outside of its parameter - hence the ALL inclusiveness of God-mind is corrupted. Definition corrupts white light.  Descartes thought that "I" was the singular self-confirming truth, but in fact it is the original sin.

This was the route to my re-entry into this illusion. I'm not going to go into the matter/space/time thing of white light - just think of one=zero. Was this a state of bliss/heaven/nirvana? Yes. But it can have the flavor of hell. Of the few similar experiences I've read of others coming back from BEING white light, there were none that reported that heaven can be hell. For all those seeking enlightenment I can tell you for a fact: "Your inner heart determines all."

The above is extremely important, because (take it from one who has been totally deconstructed) ego-defense mechanisms are stubborn ghosts. It would be quite a feat to genuinely remove all secret self-serving motives from one's heart. If you can do this, and you are prepared to welcome death - then you're ready for the truth.   Incidentally, as something that hints of a catch-22... if you're prepared to die, make sure that this is not an indulgence of a death wish. Any such self-serving sublimations will taint your becoming white light.

As for my re-entry... there was no tunnel of light. Me becoming white light was instantaneous. Coming back was... more drawn out. If you can imagine the self dissolved in infinity, then subtle forces drawing a sense of self towards "I" - then that's how it started. By this, I include all previous things that went into constructing "I". As something of an anti-climax, for me the sequence went: being white light, sense of existence (becoming not white light), sense of me, me, mother (as other, yet me)... and then BANG, critical mass reached: memories, personality, cognitive ability and tendencies, having a body... the whole she-bang.  There was no tunnel.

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?     Yes

Psilocybin

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes

The 'Totality' of it all.

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          Uncertain

A build up of about three years of stress. All support systems (such as family, financial were crumbling). As ego-defenses kicked in, came to see the world from a very selfish perspective. Hedonistic pursuits were at the extent of welcoming death.

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?           Pure consciousness

            Was the experience dream like in any way?   No. If anything having a sense of self and others is more dream-like.

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Yes

I wasn't floating above my body or anything. I became white light. If you're asking God to search out a single body out of heaven, it can't be done. Definition corrupts pure information - white light would have content therefore no longer be.

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?           No.

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?          No

Did you see a light?           Uncertain

I didn't so much see the light - I became the light.

Did you meet or see any other beings?           Uncertain

Once white light was tending to be not white light, gist of experiencing that which were distinctly not of my thoughts certainly occurred. These may have been 'whispers' of a atom, a tree, my neighbor, a distant sun...  The most certain "other" was mother.

Did you experience a review of past events in your life?    Yes

If you're expecting some sort of sensory type review, then no. But most certainly, I was let known how life is like one big cosmic joke.  This is the pre-cursor to really being.

Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions?           Yes  ALL at once - white light.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Yes  Became infinite.

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?    Yes  Knew ALL. Became ALL.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No

Did you become aware of future events?       Yes

Became aware of ALL. Accuracy was/is/will be total.

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?   Yes

After death we become God. If unlucky, we then un-become.

How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices?       Can't really take anything too seriously, just playing out the joke right now. Am making an effort to be nicer to others.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?         Yes

Although becoming God was the ultimate humility, I selfishly (self-destructively) sought the experience again via LSD and mushrooms. On the third day I was let known by what Mckenna referred to as "the Other" that:

  'There is nothing noble in what you are doing.'

 [This I had to translate into a personal thought. I'm very familiar with psychoanalytic theories of constructing an ego-ideal. But as Mckenna so accurately pointed out, what is undeniable about this presence is that it is distinctly not of self-mind. And before any finger pointing of pathology occurs, I remind those who intend to do so to consult the DSM IV text revision which discourages the use of diagnostic criteria in religious experiences.]

Anyhow, I didn't become white light again and I don't really drink or do drugs anymore.

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes

Was telling one guy of my experience and half way through he said: "You mean when everything goes white?" I said: "Yeah."

I looked in his eyes... If you read "Barrabus" by Par Largervist [spelling most probably wrong] there's a bit where Barrabus seeks out a man living in the desert that Jesus had given life to after death. Barrabus looks in his eyes of one who has be in the realm of the dead.

I could feel that this guy that I was talking to gave each other that look. Someone who has had a taste of death when they weren't psychologically ready for it. It's there in certain photos of John Lennon.

Also there's a guy in Western Australian that I came across on a google search. We've exchanged e-mail and asked him if he knew of others that had become white light. He said he's chatted with a few.  We sort of joked about forming a club of those of previously dissolved minds - ludicrous.

What emotions did you experience following your experience?  Immediately after white light I was depressed for about nine months. Thought about suicide every day - which, of course, was an absurd option. Managed to have a mental breakdown in about the fourth month - not so much a flashback, as such. This was purely a psychological-self type of thing.

A total collapse... imploded up my narcissistic arse and hit rock bottom.  That was a while ago now. I'm quite content most of the time these days.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?      Best part: becoming white light.

Worst part: becoming white light, becoming not-white light.

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?        Please be nicer to others. Communicate - this is probably the best way to approximate white light.

Oh yeah, I have a speculation that we can avoid universal entropy with increased communication. I think that the big bang was an instant where ALL beings achieving understanding through communication of ideas. The big bang = ultimate white light experience.

I think that is what all evolution is geared towards. Existence and non-existence could be seen as this series of big bangs. The engine that is God: white light - ignorance - white light - ignorance - white light - ignorance...

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?               No

White light is truth. Definition corrupts white light so that it has content. The truth cannot be comprehensively describe.