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Stephanie W STE

Experience description:   


I became severely critically ill with sepsis thought to be caused by a virus, with multi-organ failure and several other complications. I was on a ventilator and at one point I bled into my lungs and bowel sounds stopped. My physician and care team told me afterward that they believed I would not live, though my heart never stopped and I was never pronounced dead. I was hospitalized for 16 days, 13 of which is was in the ICU and intubated.

I remember fainting and waking up on the floor of my bathroom, and telling my fiancé that something was very wrong with me. I put clothes on and walked out to the car and that was the last clear memory I have of actual real life. I apparently had a seizure at the urgent care and was in septic shock and respiratory arrest. They intubated me and popped me in a helicopter and sent me to the ICU. I do not remember any of that. I remember hearing and feeling a very loud cracking sound like two 2x4 boards being clapped together hard, and a flash of intense colored light. I cannot explain how I know this but I was assessed and the color would be either green or purple, and whichever color I was was unsatisfactory to the malevolent being interested in me. I cannot explain it because it was not part of my belief system at all prior to this, but I believed him to be an archon. I believe the color that flashed was green, though I am not certain of this. I saw and sensed him, and he and everything to do with him was a pinkish-purple so that is probably why that color is at the forefront of this memory of the flash of light that happened at the same time as the cracking sound. I sensed that he was very powerful but absent; he had delegated this to underlings which were terrible, low vibrational beings who hate everything. After the crack and flash of light I was in a void- like colorless grey place. The color that flashed wasn't what he could work with, but I was still in their hands, trapped there.  I was floating on my back in that void, surrounded by 7 or more low entities.  They tormented me with pain, crushing, taunting, horrible emotional energy attack. Throughout the experience I wanted to flee, resist them, or escape even though there was no way for me to even try do so. They had me.  All I could do was suffer and there are no words to describe how terrible this was.  In addition to being in horrible torment I felt that it was a complete injustice, that I did not deserve this, that I did not belong there. I felt like these entities were wrong in every possible way and I didn't understand why they had me. I am a good person who genuinely tries to grow and help others. This all sounds so bizarre as I write it but I'm going to share everything I can remember even so. I had a sense that he was almost recruiting, that who I am and what was happening to me had somehow attracted his attention, and that he had an opportunity to snag me, so he did. Since I wasn't someone he could use I was just left to these awful beings. There phases that I can remember with different types of physical torment, and always along with this was the taunting and emotional/ energetic attack. There was an element of life review in this, though it seemed like complete hogwash to me. These low creatures hated everything and had no concept of good and bad, they simply wanted to hurt me as much as possible. It felt completely unjust and I refused to accept that I was deserving of this. In the first months afterward I tried not to think about it at all because if I did the emotion and memories of it were so powerful it was like it was happening again, like what those with PTSD describe. I remember feeling I was being crushed between two surfaces, wires being wrapped around my body and the flesh and skin being flayed off, always while being taunted and mocked. It seemed almost like tests. I was not always certain what I did or didn't do that would end one of these awful tests but there would be times that it would ease and the low entities would become angry and complain and whine about starting again. I believe now that it was primarily that I didn’t accept their torment or judgment as being correct that seemed to eventually stop it. Their voices were buzzing and hollow and awful. I began to sense a female presence that for a time I assumed must be one of them.  Her presence became more and more pronounced and the intervals between the torment became longer, and I sensed her as being exceptionally loving. In spite of her loving presence I was still utterly tormented. It is interesting to me now that it literally never occurred to me to ask anyone or anything for help, not once. I wish that I had! At one point during this torment the beings were telling me I was a bad person and mentally I was simply rejecting their judgment, nope, wrong again low creatures! I rejected their judgments of me which all seemed totally false, and I felt more than heard her decision to lift me out of this. She intervened for me, they were not able to hold me. One of the low entities complained 'Why did you start us up, then?' in anger that they would not get to keep me. This still interests me, that it said this and at the time I felt an understanding that there is nothing that is truly outside of Her, not even these low beings. I do not think she set them on me, though at the same time, everything happens for us to grow. I was still floating in this no-place but the torment stopped. I was still filled with a great deal of distress, anguish. This experience was horrific on a level that is hard for me to even comprehend now, the memories of it have faded greatly. My sense of the flow of time changed a bit at this point. The previous part had seemed stretched and slow and to drag on for an eternity. Time seemed to open up more like normal and as I gradually emerged from this no-place, dimension, pocket of existence.

I sensed Her and the truths of the Universe more fully, and I felt that we were against a backdrop of the entirety of the manifested Universe.  She is The Mother. The language I want to use for her is not the way I normally speak. She is cloaked in stars. She is utterly, truly purely loving and this love is unconditional. I sensed her as being black, like the void of space, and lit with stars. Immense, though concepts like size seemed totally irrelevant. She is alien in some way that was completely outside our normal cultural concept of what that word means. She is not terrestrial, not “of” this planet, She is the spiritual mother of this planet and we are Her beloved children. In my life I have had multiple deep kensho experiences where I have felt the resounding, living truth that we are everything and everything is Love/Space/Consciousness. In my life I have wept, laughing with joy at the gorgeous cosmic joke that is the simple truth: we are all the same thing and there is no such thing as time, and everything is absolutely beautiful and perfect! We are love, and somehow even though I am that tree over there, I am also “me” and you are also “you”. Nothing, literally nothing can ever be wrong or bad, everything is totally best. These truths and the fearlessness they engender, these delicious paradoxical dualistic funnies, are already a huge part of what I am and how I view my world. For this reason, the connection I had to these basic truths was less at the forefront of this experience for me. These truths and this connectedness to the love/consciousness that we are were certainly there but they were not what was new to me. What was new was Her and an even deeper understanding that what we have been taught to believe isn’t right, and also, what we can learn by ourselves through rational thought or meditation is not the complete picture, either. She is the dynamic action/love/happening of all that Is. My belief system has been transformed. I now understand that there is a conscious, intelligence as well as many other intelligent and some quite stupid entities within many levels of existence and realities.

At this point I feel like more happened but I cannot remember it at this time. The sense that I have is much like falling asleep, when your mind wanders from one thing to another and you are unaware of the moment you actually drift off to sleep. This is how I felt, that things happened and then I drifted off. The next thing I remember was somehow being able to see myself. There was a lot of blood coming out of my mouth people were trying to suction and get a tube into my throat and it was not working. I felt detached, curious. A man came who was able to get me intubated past all of the blood. I watched my mom praising him and thanking him. I do not remember coming back into my body but I have strange, fractured memories from within my body of knowing the thoughts of people around me and being able to see things and people in the room even though my eyes were closed.

When they removed the breathing tube I awoke  in a lot of distress and was still very critically ill, puffed up like a Thanksgiving parade balloon, great difficulty breathing, and hallucinating from the powerful medications that helped save my life. I did not recognize my mom, I told the nurse she was an impostor, not The Mother. The power and impact of The Mother’s compassionate presence is impossible to describe.  I remember when I realized that my mom really was my mom and feeling shocked and working through acceptance of this new, strange information. There is so much of this experience, most of it actually, that has nothing to do with my prior beliefs. I am still trying hard to understand it and find context for all of it.

At the time of your experience was there an associated life-threatening event?   Yes 

Was the experience difficult to express in words?  Yes     There really aren't words enough to describe how I felt I simply knew certain things, the familiarity of the sense of love and oneness, the level of torment, the emotional impact of it all.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?           Though I was unconscious and it seems strange to speak about being alert when you are unconscious: the period from the loud crack and flash of light, the utter torment, through to the end of the time I spent with The Mother, as well as the time when I was outside my body watching them try to suction and re-intubated me were the times I felt most alert.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness?      Less consciousness and alertness than normal   I went unconscious due to the septic shock, metabolic encephalopathy, and was also heavily sedated.

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.   After this experience of torment ended I could see and sense things even with my eyes closed and even though I was sedated.  During the bleed that happened in my throat and into my lungs when a ventilator cuff cracked they almost could not get me re-intubated. I remember vividly seeing almost a fountain of blood, people working frantically to save me, and a man doing suction and finally getting the tube in. This memory I have was confirmed by family and friends, I was fully sedated. My mom praised a guy they called "OCD Mike" who  was the one who finally could save my life by getting the tube in post all the blood and swelling.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.   I heard bits of conversation and could see people even when unconscious or when my eyes were closed, and hear their thoughts. For the first few months after this experience I was very sensitive to noise and especially to too much going on, being easily overwhelmed.

Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during a time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body?   Yes   I saw myself being re-intubated and suctioned as well as seeing the room even though my eyes were closed. What happened with the traumatic re-intubation and things that were said were later confirmed by my family.  I could hear the thoughts of people in the room sometimes as well as know what they were feeling.

What emotions did you feel during the experience?   I felt detachment, largely. I also felt a strong preference to die rather than experience the torment I had just gone through again – though I didn’t believe that was a choice I was being offered. I was very detached but still horrified and shaken by the torment.

Did you pass into or through a tunnel?   No  

Did you see an unearthly light?   No  

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice?   I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
I was aware of an evil entity who was not present, his underlings who tortured me, and The Great Mother who intervened for me.

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)?   Yes   I believe She has had many names but the ones that feels most true to me are Maa, and Aditi, though most would call her Durga or Mary.

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings?   No  

Did you become aware of past events in your life during your experience?   No  

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world?   Some unfamiliar and strange place

It was a grey, no place. Like another dimension.

Did time seem to speed up or slow down?   Time seemed to go faster or slower than usual
It seemed to last forever

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything?   No

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?   No

Did you come to a border or point of no return?   No

Did scenes from the future come to you?  No 

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness suggesting that there either is (or is not) continued existence after earthly life (“life after death”)?   Yes   I sensed that there are many dimensions and that the universe is pretty much infinite with many intelligent beings of many kinds ranging from Her & Him all the way through to every possible way of being.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that God or a supreme being either does (or does not) exist?   Yes   The Great Mother is the source of everything and is female and there is a more static, passive aspect also that is male and they are everything.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that you either did (or did not) exist prior to this lifetime?   Yes   Without really being aware, I considered all possible actual deities male and my beliefs were not really based on a god or gods. I really felt like simply being alive, and knowing we are actually One with that loving Is-ness was plenty for me. To want more would have felt greedy. There was literally no reference in my prior beliefs for this real goddess, god, entities, any of that. I was stunned.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that a mystical universal connection or unity/oneness either does (or does not) exist?   Yes   She is real and many of the beliefs humanity holds are off base. She is compassionate, and is not of this world, she is the happening of everything. There are other entities of all kinds, some that are of a much uglier vibration.  The powerful entity who's underlings tortured me didn't even bother to get involved.  I can't tel you how grateful I am that She came for me.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s meaning or purpose?   Yes  

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s difficulties, challenges, or hardships?   No  

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding love?   Yes   She loves us. I also now do not think being good & grateful and learning is all that it takes.  Being courageous, being able to hold onto who you really are, not falling for the notion that we are human and therefore bad- these things all matter. We are supposed to ask for help, it is not ungrateful or weak to do so. I suppose that is one of the biggest personal lessons in this for me. Love is what we are, I already knew that, but there are beings that want to help us. 

During your experience, did you encounter any other specific information / awareness that you have not shared in other questions that is relevant to living our earthly lives?   Yes   I believe the divine goddess would like me to share information about her and help others by sharing what happened to me and what I understand about her and the way things are.

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge or purpose?   Yes   I feel Im supposed to write and possibly speak.

What occurred during your experience included:   Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience   I had no beliefs whatsoever about a goddess, of any kind, and my early Christian upbringing absolutely minimized any importance of Mary. I didn't believe in anything like Hell or after death torment or conscious entities that we could or should bother with requests for help.  At most I had a belief in the second law of thermodynamics; Energy is neither created nor destroyed and we probably reincarnate, thigh it is THIS moment that matters. Little of this experience aligned with my beliefs except that I knew that we are all love and the same thing.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience?   I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of th   The very intense nature and emotional impact of it, the PTSD type of feelings have faded.

Discuss any changes that might have occurred in your life after your experience:   The amount that spirituality & being my best matters is unchanged but I have and am reevaluating all of my beliefs

My experience directly resulted in:   Moderate changes in my life

Did you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that occurred as a result of the experience?  

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience?   Yes   I can visualize people's energy and can see the nature of their trouble or illness. I have seen an angel and I did not previously believe that angels existed.  At all.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you?    
The Mother and the certainty I have that She is above and outside what we are taught about religions.  She is compassionate and wants to help us.  There are other forces at work as well. These things are important.

Have you ever shared this experience with others?  
Yes  I've told those closest to me

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?   Yes   Yes! I know a few people who have had the beautiful, lovely comforting kind.  I had never heard of one like mine. It has been really confusing and kind of tough to process the fact that I had such a different, horrifying experience.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:   Experience was definitely real   It was real.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience at the current time:   Experience was definitely real   I was very ill and heavily medicated, and I know that I was out of it and hallucinating when I woke up, but what happened to me felt different from that. It was a genuine experience.

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?   Yes   I guess I feel like I was in a sense reborn by this. Its almost like this is a new life with a changed me. I can't explain how or why but this experience remade me.

Have your religious beliefs/spiritual practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?   Yes   I'm a seeker again. I've learned a lot and seem to just recognize truth or falseness when I read books or materials about our creators, her, etc. It is as though I was told and understood a great deal and recognize what is actually true now.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience?   Yes   At the beginning I couldn't think about this without reliving the horror and torment I experienced.

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience?   In some ways these detailed questions helped me understand more about what happened and process all of this.  Thank you.

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?   Yes  

What could a national organization with an interest in near death experience (NDE) do that would be of interest to you?     Let me know if researchers have questions for me or information that could help them, me, or anyone else. I really appreciate the materials you make available!