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Richard M's Experience

Experience description:   

It was early into my 7th grade year at a new (to me) school:  Junior High.  It was when the bullying started which would continue all the way through high school graduation--the other students thought of me as being gay, and the teachers, all but two, would look the other way.  I was praying to GOD to not allow the teasing while at the confirmation class my mother was forcing me to attend.  "I will be safe in your house, right GOD."  Well, early in the eighth grade which was my last year of classes at the Lutheran Church, I suddenly was not safe.  "You are a total fag!" was what I was told right there in the class of about ten other students, and it was like the adult teacher waited for the others to stop before she continued with whatever lesson plan.  I remember that I was crying by the time she "resumed control."  I was so angry with GOD!  I remember going to bed as soon as I got home, and I just prayed while crying "Why was I not safe in your house!  If Heaven is full of people like that, I don't want to go!  Who am I supposed to pray to now?"  I remember that I had pain in the chest--I passed out...... 

For years, I thought it was just a dream, yet I still remember it better than any other memory from childhood. (And I remember the crib onward, by the way.) In it, I was in the tub, and there was another boy I had never seen in real life with me, and he was cute--we both were just wearing our underwear, and I did not mind looking at him vice versa.  Suddenly, I realized in the dream what my attraction meant--that I really am gay after all.  I then felt so much shame because of this.....so much that my heart hurt--like it was breaking.  I then remember that I was laying in the tub with my back to the wall when, instantly, there was this bright white light shining on the wall in front of me in the shape of a cross--the wall I was sitting against had a hole in it above my head--this light was shining onto the wall in front of me, so I stood up to look into the hole that had opened up (in the shape of a cross).  I looked into this hole, and I stepped back thinking "This light should be hurting my eyes, but it was not doing so at all:  "I should be squinting my eyes." 

I looked into the hole again, and I just went into it like one would just walk into another room, but I no longer felt my body.  Inside of this light there was a man standing in front of it--I did not see anyone else but this man, and with a deep, manly voice that I will never forget, He said "Everything will be alright, Rich."   

Then I woke up, and it was the next morning--time to get ready for school.  I also remember that the pain and feelings of depression had been dulled like whatever happened the day before might as well have been years ago.

At the time of your experience was there an associated life-threatening event?   Yes  I was very depressed, disheartened, disappointed, very angry....and my chest hurt:  I was afraid to tell anyone.  I kept thinking of this movie I saw at school when in 2nd grade about a boy who collapses into the snow as he walks off of the school bus.  He was very sad, and it finally killed him.

Was the experience difficult to express in words?  Yes     I am crying. Also, I cannot explain what kind of communication took place....More than words.  It was like (and I still dream this way) I absorbed the feelings from Him--I did not just hear his word, for I felt them first and then did some double translation to then understand in words that I knew (and know).

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?    All of it....and I still dream with great awareness and lucidity.  I dream of people in my life (and people I have never seen before or known in life) that have since died.  I dream of places--from cities to countryside and mountain forests to deserts that I have never been to.  I used to (and still) draw well detailed maps of these places I have never seen on Earth.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness?      More consciousness and alertness than normal   I remember everything....feelings, smells, tastes, emotions.  I have horrible allergies in real life, and cannot smell very well.  When I am "dreaming," and I realize how well my scent of smell is, I start looking around to see who is visiting me:  "Whose here?!"

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.   Colors became more crisp...like I could tell the mood of others in my classes...I could see the trouble from whatever bully coming which helped me mitigate events after the experience.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.   I could hear feelings....then the words after the experience---and still can. I still have really good hearing--whenever I get tested, the testgivers are amazed with it.  Before, my hearing was not anything too memorable.

Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during a time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body?   No   I was out of my body, and not anywhere I have ever seen before nor since except as of late--I have been learning how to "trance" as of two years ago:  A dream yet I am not all the way asleep....I see things, and/or the time in those trances seems to be slowed down....like the trances should last for hours but, in reality, last for only minutes.  Even so, when I come out of the trances, often times, it is like I slept for a full night's sleep when it was just a few minutes in actuality.  I see too much happening--things that take more time than just minutes.

What emotions did you feel during the experience?   Eroticism, deep shame and sadness, curiosity, relief, assurance, peace  

Did you pass into or through a tunnel?   Uncertain   I went into "the bright white light that does not hurt the eyes."  (That's what I call it.) The light was the tunnel or entrance, and it was like pressing an open eye against a car headlight, but it did not hurt my eyes.  Just looking into it was like opening a door and entering.  Like it has the gravity of a black hole.

Did you see an unearthly light?   Yes   I did already :)

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice?   I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
It was a deep voice....Clearly it was a man.  "Everything will be alright, Rich."

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)?   Yes   I saw GOD.  He had long hair like those pictures of Jesus from church.  He was wearing 501's (My favorite, by the way.)....But because he was standing in front of the bright white light that does not hurt the eyes, I could not see other details other than to state that GOD is taller than me.

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings?   No  

Did you become aware of past events in your life during your experience?   No  

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world?   A clearly mystical or unearthly realm
I have done the best I can so far.....There are no words really...Lots of feelings that I try to explain with words--I guess the English did not colonize Heaven?

Did time seem to speed up or slow down?   Time seemed to go faster or slower than usual
I remember going to bed right away.....then it was morning like a snap of the finger.

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything?   Everything about myself or others
I felt like I could go on...continue...And I could hear the thoughts from my soul, and new things like "The older you get the better life becomes."  "People are most concerned with themselves first and foremost--don't give them so much credit."  "If you want to feel better you will."  "When you finally get out of public school (graduate), you will have to unlearn a lot because it will be useless."  I could hear my gut instinct speak just as clearly as I do my thoughts in my head--and could tell the difference.  I call the words of intuition "soulspeak."  I admit to hearing them, but I do not always follow their advice.  Yes...I am a bit rebellious.  I know that GOD likes to watch me....and laugh--especially when I feel frustrated.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?   Uncertain
It is like GOD did not or would not show me everything.....just a glimpse.

Did you come to a border or point of no return?   No

Did scenes from the future come to you?  No 

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness suggesting that there either is (or is not) continued existence after earthly life (“life after death”)?   Uncertain   What was said to me:  "Everything will be alright, Rich."  This is a highly applicable sentence.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that God or a supreme being either does (or does not) exist?   Yes   There is a GOD!!!!   It is a "He." He has a really deep voice.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that you either did (or did not) exist prior to this lifetime?   Yes   Everything will be alright no matter whatever it is I face in this life and the next.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that a mystical universal connection or unity/oneness either does (or does not) exist?   Yes   This one is beyond words.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s meaning or purpose?   Yes   Everything will be alright....Time alone does a lot to take care of things whatever it may be?  Or GOD is that "time."

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s difficulties, challenges, or hardships?   Yes   Everything will be alright....Time alone does a lot to take care of things whatever it may be?  Or GOD is that "time."

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding love?   Yes   Not just eroticism....but also I felt the comfort that I am literally not alone.  No need to feel lonely.

During your experience, did you encounter any other specific information / awareness that you have not shared in other questions that is relevant to living our earthly lives?   Yes   "Everything will be alright..."  Almost just like the lyrics to that song by Bob Marley.

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge or purpose?   Yes   I could feel and understand my "gut instinct."   "Soulspeak."

What occurred during your experience included:   Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience   In this life, it is still "not okay" to be gay according to most churches, but GOD does not care about that like it is not a bad thing at all.  Back in the 1980's, it definitely was "not okay" to be gay--hence I never spoke of the experience until adulthood.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience?   I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience   I remember the experience like it was just experienced earlier today.

Discuss any changes that might have occurred in your life after your experience:   I am not done learning.  It started with dreaming of the dead, now I see them from time to time.  I have had a trance where I could hear GOD's deep voice--He was laughing.  I have been told that I am a shaman--I can put myself in another's shoes and understand. During cetain New Moon phases (more stronger than others), I can (I think anyone can)communicate with all living things...Your plants are thirsty, by the way.....I cannot turn "it all" on and off...........I am still learning--spiritual awareness does not end with a "reborn again" moment if one does not want it to end.  "Do not get stuck."  "I will know what I need to know when I need to know it" no matter what it is.

My experience directly resulted in:  
Large changes in my life

Did you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that occurred as a result of the experience?  
Yes   I refuse to "throw in the towel."

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you?   YES......for instance, GOD loves his masculinity--He is definitely more manly than myself.  Also, GOD wants me to sing.  I sound like a queer when I talk....But I can sing.  I was teased for the way I sound when I talk--then I "wow" the crowd.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience?   Yes   I cannot answer this question in full--there is not enough space for all of the words I have.....I wrote a journal throughout most of the 1990's for starters.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you?    
YES......for instance, GOD loves his masculinity--He is definitely more manly than myself.  Also, GOD wants me to sing.  I sound like a queer when I talk....But I can sing.  I was teased for the way I sound when I talk--then I "wow" the crowd.

Have you ever shared this experience with others?  
Yes  It took 10 years at least.  I was able to help my mom through her grief after my Dad died cause I would dream of him (and her Dad, sister, aunts that gave since died.)  She eventually started to remember her dreams, and have her own "visits" within them.  When my Mom was dying, I know that I helped her with that transition....This is just one example.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?   No   Not until afterward did I see that movie named "Resurrection" with Ellen Burson, for example.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:   Experience was probably not real   I thought it was just a dream for a long time.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience at the current time:   Experience was definitely real   Learning how to trance, meditate, and hypnotize myself (and others) has confirmed it even more so.

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?   Yes   There is definitely a "right" and a "wrong" and the results of both are immediate...."Judgment Day" is every day.

Have your religious beliefs/spiritual practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?   Yes   I came back to (the right) church.....I cried when taking Communion for the first time in over 25 years.  The church has changed, and I attend to help it continue this journey toward "the bright white light that does not hurt the eyes."

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience?   Yes   This one is hard to explain......"Wherever The Devil goes, GOD is not far behind."  YES!  There is a Devil. Fo awhile, I was "stuck" in that I just "saw GOD," but the trick is to see The Devil and stop the evil so that GOD does not have to.  We all can do the work of The Lord.

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience?   Tons.......Yet, I am still learning HOW TO PROOVE the words I have provided are the truth.  I am starting to which is soooo much easier than trying to explain whatever to whomever that was not present at that special time.  I find that when I have witnesses, I feel no need to explain whatever--there is no need to...Yet, seeing is not always believing, and, often, I have to "take a break" so that the shock of whatever just realized or learned can "sink in"--I need to get used to it.

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?   No   There are NO WORDS that man has created to describe the feelings.  One cannot describe one feeling with another one.  For instance, what if "the bright white light that does not hurt the eyes" is what man sees instead of the color(s) that are really there....We cannot see all colors.

What could a national organization with an interest in near death experience (NDE) do that would be of interest to you?        A lot.   For instance, turn off that automatic sprinkler, and let the grass tell you when it needs water and how much?   I have been dabbling into the behavior of "remote viewing," or maybe this is what I dream about when I dream of places and people that I have never seen in real life?

Please offer any suggestions that you may have to improve this questionnaire.  Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience?                    Why did it take something so bad to happen...or why did I have to feel so bad in order to "see GOD?"  Why couldn't I feel the way I do now without the horrible physical and mental pain?   I guess this means that I am human?  So are you.  Why cannot everyone feel and know?  How does fear work to inhibit my own learning ability?  If I learn "too fast," what will happen since I know I will not lose my mind....When I realized that there is a Devil, I heard and felt my mind "click" firmly to my body...then it flooded here where I live three days later--back in early 1997.  "The Devil is coming to town."  "Something wicked this way comes."