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R. P.'s Experience

Experience description:   

My older sister, younger brother and I were turned over to the system.  I was five, sis was seven, brother was two.  I know now it was for the better but I remember being very panicky and somewhat sullen directly after we were picked up by social services.  my brother didn't talk for sometime after this and this was only after he had gone to his adoptive home and had speech therapy for some time. I've never really talked too much about it just mentioned it in passing to a couple of people, my sis one of them. this is the last question on the questionnaire that I'm answering and now that I've sat and reflected on it a bit I think the absence of emotion that I experienced was a bit comforting, not overly so but there is still a small degree of comfort to it.  we were told (I'm not sure about the exact words or who said it, probably my aunt who was having to keep an eye on us) that we were being taken away from Mom. another void at this point , we were probably being put into the car, sis was upset but mostly quiet, brother mostly quiet too.  we always took care of him, doted on him. next memory is looking out the rear window at some people watching the car drive away.  next I'm just outside the car looking at myself through the window of the back door on the driver's side from just above the car.  I can kinda see the roof of the car, it's reddish in color and I'm beating on the rear window and screaming.  I can't make out what I'm saying but I know what's happening and that we won't be coming back home. wow, I'm crying writing this, I don't cry.  it's like feeling it all over again. um, like finally confronting the realization that I knew we were never coming home again, never gonna be with mom or aunt pat again and all three of us would grow up separated. sis and I grew up together but my brother was adopted by another family some distance away, we didn't see him again after the shelter till he was 15 or 16.  I maintain regular contact now.  He's a marine, serving in Iraq right now.  I'm sorry I got a little off track.  while I'm watching myself I have no emotions.  nothing, just a total emotional void.  which now seems mildly comforting.  I don't know how long I watched myself  but I have now memory for about three days.  suddenly I'm walking along a dirt drive with sis and little brother in tow with a lady.  all I remember about her is she was elderly and black and I didn't like her at all.  she had a horse at the end of the drive and she took us to see it and I liked her a little for that.  I love horses to this day. mom was on and off medication all the time, she has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and bi polar disorder.  she has a bad habit of going off her meds.  when she does she can have hallucinations and psychotic episodes that can become mildly violent.  she had never become violent towards us.  after talking to my aunt about this time period I found out that she had a tendency in some of her episodes to leave us alone for lengthy periods of time and that's why she always came to check on us.  she was going through a nasty divorce from an abusive alcoholic and had five children of her own.  similar life crisis' going on with numerous family members prevented them from taking us in. we were always cared for, we knew this.  besides the time in the shelter the time as a foster child and the adoption worked out.  I've always been uncannily aware that it was for the better and about how much we were cared about by everyone around us at the time.  my aunt has always felt a little alienated and guilty towards us for not being able to help.  it's put a bit of a strain on our relationship but we are making the best of it. mom is now in a supervised living situation and still on and off meds.

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?     No      

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Uncertain      I just remember looking at myself from outside the vehicle and feeling numb.  no feeling what so ever, like a bystander.

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          No      

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?           completely conscious and alert, maybe some hyper alertness involved.

Was the experience dream like in any way?   somewhat.  the memory has faded somewhat over the years but still remains relatively vivid to this day.

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Yes     don't know, I was looking at my body in the car while physically I was beating on the rear window of the car consciously I was watching this all play out from outside the vehicle.

What emotions did you feel during the experience?            none. that's one of the more vivid points of the experience.  I was emotionally void.

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?           no, just my screaming, all other sounds where muted out.

LOCATION DESCRIPTION:  Did you recognize any familiar locations or any locations from familiar religious teachings or encounter any locations inhabited by incredible or amazing creatures?    No           

Did you see a light?           No      

Did you meet or see any other beings?           No      

Did you experiment while out of the body or in another, altered state? No      

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          Yes     that I was in fact as upset as I saw myself being and was screaming and beating on the rear window.

Did you notice how your 5 senses were working, and if so, how were they different?          No      

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?          Yes     time seemed to move very slowly and I do not remember anything directly after the experience for about three days.

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?    No      

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?             No      

Did you become aware of future events?       No      

Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body?       Uncertain      I don't remember anything past a certain point for about three days.  as I said time seemed to be moving very slowly so it seemed to me an eternity when in actuality it could have only been a minute or two.

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?         No      

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?   No      

How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices?       I'm not sure that it has. there's just this kinda weird don't go there feeling about it.  I think about it periodically but I don't delve too far into it.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?         No      

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes     just mention it in passing when I speak about my adoption.  I haven't told too many people, maybe four or five.

What emotions did you experience following your experience?  none.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?      I have a neutral stance on this. I'm not sure there was a good part or bad part about this.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No      

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?               Uncertain      I've not spoken about it too much so I'm not sure if it was a thorough telling or not.  there may be some points that a more experienced person may recognize as important that I do not.