I acknowledge that my experience may not be ‘most’ accurately described as an NDE. There are certainly enough distinct similarities (great light, life review etc), that I feel comfortable sharing it as such. I am far less interested in categorizing the experience in my own mind, than I am interested in finding a category of exceptional people who understand and share some of its deeper meaning. I shall leave each reader to discern the exact nature and value of my experience to them.
My experience happened in 1992. I was 24 at the time. The following description includes a reasonable recollection of the ‘peak experience’ and vision of light. Of course words can never capture the totality of the experience, but if there is enough here to assist others in recalling their own light, the writing will have served its purpose.
I have also endeavored to include something of an introduction, since it helps to humanize the ‘peak experience’ and place it in a context. The story itself may interest some. The introduction attempts to sketch a basic framework and clarify some of the conditions (and indeed decisions) which led to the ‘peak experience’. Although the introduction is already quite lengthy, it should be noted that the vast proportion of details have been omitted (for the moment through my own forgetting). I have spent much less time writing the introduction than it deserves, consequently it is far less elegant and substantial than it might be. One or two insights included as part of the peak experience may, in fact, been received before or after the peak experience. Readers finding themselves snowed under with detail are always welcome to jump straight to the description of the peak EXPERIENCE itself, almost halfway through the text. OBERF Questions and Answers are at the end.
My experience differs from a ‘classic’ NDE, in that it was not a result of a physical brush with death. At least it was not brought about by physical illness, accident or trauma. It was triggered by the loss of someone I loved. But rather than ‘dying’, I ‘lost’ her to her own fears and doubts. Ultimately the peak experience involved ‘dying’ into light and love, but it came as a consequence of a very deliberate (~six week) journey in mind, heart and spirit.
Incidentally, before my experience I had no prior experience, belief or even interest in anything ‘spiritual’, nor did I acknowledge any higher power. (My early religious ‘teachers’ insisted that the love I spoke of within me was essentially different and invalid before the love of God. A belief which left the best of the Self out in the cold, and which immediately estranged me from religious teachings.)
Finally I’d like to clarify ‘for the record’ that I have never taken any drugs. And please do not reproduce any of the text in the public domain without my permission. All text remains copyrighted. Thanks.
There is a fully revised and extended (double length) version of this account available at the author's own website.
As a boy, I had known my primary life focus. It was to grow within loving relationships with girls. It was obvious I could learn more of value from them than anything else. All the greatest mystery and beauty of life was contained in my relationship to them. In the feminine form was each soul’s brilliance ever clothed by the softest skin. How easy it was to see the great light shining within, when concepts of Self were only cast as crystal possibilities.
Within all - the one. Within one - the all.
The potential of relationship was so transparently obvious to me; I was convinced everyone also saw it. Surely every girl knew the reality of her own unique beauty? My eyes shone in awe and delight at the many brilliant and varied costumes.
School lessons were just so much window dressing; tools that would help me get about in the world. But mostly I saw them as an ideal excuse to be around such wonderful creatures. Just to be in their presence was the sweetest gift. In their beings I could look upon a host of ethereal qualities; gentleness, intuition, sensitivity, presence, and love. But here these qualities were manifested before me in unique forms, free of will. Their free will added infinitely to their value, because it made them breathtaking creators in their own right, and allowed the creativity in relationship to be truly unlimited. More than anything on this Earth, these wonderful creatures were divinity made manifest in my eyes.
The beauty I saw in girls ran deeply beyond the physical, although it might start there. The first time a girl stopped me in my tracks (at seven years of age) I made myself a resolution. Never could I use force on such an angelic creature. Never could I get angry with her. All I could do was forgive her in advance for everything – to give her permission to be herself in all her creativity. I could never taint the beauty and innocence within us both with guilt. I longed for the chance to explore a relationship of such love. It seemed the perfect way to keep alive and further explore the best of the self. I would honor it above all.
I was fortunate to find myself in the first local schools taking the ‘bold’ step into co-education. It was a great blessing to learn in the company of girls. Many idyllic years passed, filled with joy, laughter and discovery. Girls were anything but ordinary. While (most) other boys condemned and feared their fragility, my vibrant eyes recognized its value. Opportunities to love seemed everywhere, and wherever my heart drew me it was met without resistance. Beauty was not some formula to learned, but a continuous celebration of each one’s uniqueness. Grace guided my soul’s learning into many of the treasures of human experience. It was a time of great harmony. Even as a boy, much was learned..
Perhaps it is inevitable that every soul’s journey into humanness eventually takes a plunge into darkness. For me it came at the start of my teenage years. All at once the winds of change blew away the girls I loved and the intensity of school life picked up. For the most part my day-to-day life took me further away from what my soul longed to learn. Insidious external influences impressed upon me it was no longer enough just to be. One had to be this or that, and then something else. Time was not meant for being, but doing.
Silently I cried out within to all my friends: “Wait. Didn’t you just feel that shift. Walk carefully. Don’t forget your true selves. Love is still here and now! It’s most important. Please don’t forget.”
But they did forget. Everyone went their separate ways. My truth was swept like dust under a suffocating carpet of conformity. My love was locked away in a prison of self-doubt. Quite some miserable years followed, until eventually I managed to shake off the shackles of external demands.
Later, as a young man, there came a time where I found a perfectly realized relationship - one filled with joy and growth. In the sparkling winter snows of Switzerland I found my resurrection in love. All of my energies were drawn into the perfection of a present, free of regret for the past and fear for the future. I found enormous respect and admiration for a beautiful new girlfriend. She radiated qualities I had been learning within myself, and within our relationship I found opportunity to share the best of myself. I found it almost impossible not to love her.
As the relationship deepened, inevitably doubts surfaced. I noticed she was not ‘perfect’, but at the same time I was aware of my own imperfections; in the form of lingering teenage self-doubts. Until suddenly, in the wonder of being with her, I saw clearly the potential for love was unlimited. Every “imperfection” in her melted into a greater perfection in my eyes, for the opportunity to “forgive” her “imperfection” was a gift I could also give myself. It was life’s prompt to wholly forgive and accept my self. To choose to love the imperfections I perceived in her, was the ultimate gift to both of us. Then my love and gratitude for the relationship became truly unlimited. Mistakes existed only to be forgiven, so that love could continue to flourish. It was impossible to judge any part of her physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual being as anything less than beautiful. Every part of her being shared was a gift to me.
I was soaring upwards in currents of conscious love, as the strength of the sun drove the snows into their summer retreat. The winter season was over. I did not sense the fall before it came. But suddenly, by her will, our relationship was over. She was convinced by her doubts. Nothing I did or said could turn her from her resolve to separate.
The loss was unbearable to me. I could not believe life would take away such a perfect opportunity for growth! If only I knew the reason for the separation, I could perhaps learn and move on. Although she tried her best, the girl herself could give no reasons that appeared true. In her mind “It just could not work”. I did not blame or force anything from her. I could not, for these were alien to the loving nature within me. But to restore peace required knowing the truth.
Shortly, I had to leave her country and return to the other side of the World. I was beset with such a grief that could not be ignored. Uncensored tears helped of course, but they were insufficient to assuage it. The grief prompted an unprecedented inner search for understanding. I resolved to know the cause of my suffering and the reasons for the separation. But I could only look within the framework of my experience, my belief system, and the strength of my love. In my search for the truth I had no option but to look wholly within - to the source of grief and doubt, to my identity, and ultimately to the love beyond them.
With no outer resources assisting me, I retreated to a far-flung city in Australia, literally thousands of miles from anyone I knew. By night I shared a dormitory with backpacking travelers. By day I spent all my hours in the sanctuary of the state’s library. I withdrew into my inner Self; very secure territory, though not entirely familiar.
The anguish was suffocating to me. Life just could not go on until the sorrow was resolved. Under this most unusual stress I began to ask myself the most unusual questions.
“Where had my peace gone? I held back nothing in my love for her. Surely to know real love was not to sacrifice peace? “
That could not be true.
“No, love itself is peace. It’s a dynamic peace that is full of aliveness and joy – that transcends the Self.”
That alone had I always accepted as the central truth of my life. Love had always been the most consistent and stable force for me.
So I reasoned “The greater the love should equate to greater peace. If I was suffering because of my love, there must be a mistake in my thinking.”
And so I was introduced to the idea that distortions and conflicts in the mind cause suffering. And that itself prompted me to consider the true power of the mind. It was time to look at what I really believed to be true. Then and there I befriended my truth; one who’d always been a trustworthy companion, but then became a gracious guiding light in my search for peace.
After careful consideration, I could not doubt the essential goodness of my intention to love. It held up under scrutiny from every angle to be kind, generous, and undemanding. This love willed only for her happiness, even if I wasn’t to be part of it.
A crucial turning point came with the thought: “I could not turn from such a love offered to me, so how could she?”
It became apparent that fear was an opposing force to the acceptance and knowing of love. But the fear within the girl of my affections was an illusion! I loved her even in her fear, even in her self-doubt. I loved her so much I could not judge her as unworthy. If she had shown that vulnerability to me I could only love her more. The equation was simple to me. A gift of the inner self=vulnerability=trust=opportunity for intimacy=deeper love.
I began to see clearly the relationship between love, growth, and relationship to fear, decay and separation. In that I stumbled across an incredible and long-forgotten alchemy. Love and fear seemed to be the two major players in human experience. Fear obstructed love and growth, but also expression, creativity, spontaneity, joy, and learning. Fear was clearly a block to the best of life itself! The girl of my affections had chosen fear over love, but that was something I could not do for myself. Then and there I refused to accept fear as a limit for myself. Clearly it was time to look within at what fears I had been holding unexamined.
As powerful a negative force as fear appeared to be, it could only exist unconsciously. To hold fear was to doubt the essential goodness of self and to doubt the forgiving nature of love. Fear could not hold up if gently challenged for its message and truth. And then I saw that love is a flow of conscious energy through the heart. The great pain I was feeling was because I was blocking the flow of love within me. I imagined the awakened love had nowhere to go. It was then it occurred to me I could turn it upon myself.
I took love by the hand and asked fear to explain itself within me.
Offering forgiveness to my own doubts was an efficient transaction, with no resistance and so many returns. Behind every unheard fear was a trapped aspect of the self, yearning only to be seen without judgment. I gently challenged fears and examined their relationship to acceptance of my self. I extended these concepts within, my understanding blossomed, and the grief began to melt into a much greater awareness.
The qualities I loved in this girl always existed as potentialities within me. She had been the inspiration I needed to realize them within myself. She had given me many gifts, oh so many! I would honor the relationship by living myself the qualities she had mirrored to me. This intention helped assuage the grief. Despite the reality of the physical loss, I could keep something of her beauty alive within me.
Later I explored her recent decisions based upon my knowledge of her past. It became very clear that the girl of my affections was not in a position to receive my love. To move forward in our relationship would require her to explore, challenge, and release all the emotions of a very painful childhood, and that was something she was not ready to do. She chose fear – even fearing love – in order not to be immediately conscious of all her unresolved thoughts and feelings. Her fear was an unconscious brake, applied so as not to experience too much, too quickly. But I was ready to move on, and there was no aspect of my self that was not ready to submit to love’s vision. This was the fundamental difference between us. We had walked quickly and far together. But it was time to release and bless her. And that I did.
The love and gratitude for her would always remain, but my deepening understanding and trust in life assured me she would be okay. Others would reach her, touch her, love her, and better reflect her own inner architecture. I understood the deeper purpose of our relationship. Her coming was meant to be, not to be with me ‘forever’, but to ignite the longing for the eternal flame within me. That had been done perfectly.
My love had been ignited. It was so strong I could not accept fear and denial of any aspect of self in its place. There was no emotion I would not forgive myself for. My will to know the truth (my deepest beliefs) only deepened, and the exploration of the inner self continued. I found such freedom within the Self. If I was prepared to challenge and release fear, then I could know love and life unbounded. So I questioned every fear, every guilt, every pain and every single concept of self that I had allowed others to define. Rarely had I knowingly used fear and guilt as weapons against others, and at once I refused to accept them – from others, for others and within me. I realized that concepts of fear, blame, and guilt were clearly dependent on the denial (or forgetting) of the power and goodness of one’s own Self. They were alien to the truth, peace, the real inner Self, the source and being of love – consciousness itself. The real self was consciousness undefined. I wished everyone freedom in my mind, as I wished to be free. And so my being quickened with its own release.
As I saw the truth that we actually live constantly in the present, in became clear the only pain from the past that could hold me was a past imagined without love. And so I looked at every significant aspect of my ‘past’ to find the love there. If I could not find it from others, I projected it ‘back’ to myself. The hurt child within was only too happy to receive it. Immediately I would feel a release, bringing more of myself into the freedom of the present. Again I witnessed the power of love and thought; neither could be held by time or space. Indeed there was more and more evidence in my mind that thought and love (or its absence) were the creators of experience.
Every thought that sanctified the power of love liberated more of my inner self. My consciousness and life-force expanded. Tight knots of doubt and fear were undone within my being. I began to draw in thoughts of such grace and power that I knew I had found ‘the way’ to my ultimate liberation. Each time I discovered a new thought, I tested its validity by applying it in my own experience. Loving thoughts, true thoughts could be widely applied, not just to the self, but then beyond to all life itself. There appeared to be certain principles which all life adhered to – that all life honored either consciously or unconsciously. By applying these thoughts consciously, one could be liberated to a higher, more expanded realm of being – beyond the limitations that most humans accept..
I shall not go on too much further, for the introduction alone could fill a book. There were many insights into spiritual ‘truths’ or ‘laws’, although the word ‘law’ implies force or restraint. The higher spiritual laws are immutable, but instead of binding they sanctify free will, growth and equal opportunity for all. They are difficult to explain because they are interdependent on one another. Suffice to say: to be free, one has to think for oneself. Thought creates experience. Therefore one can challenge any thought which limits any aspect of self... In brief, the introductory stage to the ‘peak experience’ was very deliberate, very conscious, sustained, and ever more revelatory.
Over several weeks I felt my true Self awakening. Every new insight liberated long forgotten aspects of my consciousness. It felt like I was returning to every potential I had been born with, before I had been taught to believe in limitation. Time became something which only existed in the outer world. My inner world was free and loving thoughts lead my spirit unbound. Almost every moment was filled with a beautiful unity of revelations. I immediately applied each to my Self, expanding my consciousness into incredible realms of freedom, light and joy.
There were significant changes in my perception of myself. Eventually, I began to question my identification with the physical body. I had never accepted a mirror could reflect my whole being – at best it reflected a tiny snapshot of a self in time. But by this point the body seemed to be almost an irrelevancy. It provided some focus for my mind and consciousness in the physical reality. However my spirit was absorbed in itself, and the power of the mind to create a reality of presence unbound. It was completely clear that everyone was much, much more than what we had been taught. Most of humanity appeared asleep to the present – to 99.9% of their own beauty, power, and being. The physical was just a disguise for the true Self.
Ever more apparently, love and thought were the most powerful forces, not bound by the physical. Love was present as consciousness being and extending itself. As I projected my thoughts with love into consciousness, it became possible to know things beyond my physical experience. The answers came from deep in the Self, a quiet space I had once been taught to ignore. There were many insights into the deeper nature of life and the field of love within it all. Each insight and wave of energy guided me according to even deeper principles, into realization of my own freedom and destiny. I knew my primary identity as consciousness, able to experience many different layers of being at will.
Somewhere around this point it became clear that my thoughts were creating my reality absolutely - and that as what I wanted was the truth - and as the truth was clearly within - nothing external could hold me back any longer. No guilt from the past or fear for the future distracted my thoughts from the infinite potential of the present. Every fear was crumbling before my focused will to know the truth in the present.
A new energy propelled me forward and inward, for by now it was completely self-sustaining and exponential. I could see clearly that a meeting with the ultimate Truth (truth=liberating principle of life) was inevitable in the near future. Every experience of my life was guiding me there. Not only that, but the ultimate truth was drawing me in consciously, calling me to share in its freedom. I could not resist because it was so obviously everything I wanted.
There remained nothing in the external world that could capture my attention – because the pure essence of it all was within. The truth sustained me. It had already liberated me from all the suffering of my life, but it was clear to know still higher truths would be to go beyond every (human) limitation.
I was being drawn ever inwards in a vast whirlpool of spiritual truths. For two weeks I was aware of the existence of a single transcendent truth. At the center of the unrelenting search within myself, there would be an indivisible principle which could liberate my being utterly. I understood one truth lived as a central principal of life, that did not change, applied to everything, and around which everything else revolved. I longed for it and I was aware it of its conscious longing for me.
Anything I wished to know in the name of love was revealed to my mind, but it was love’s nature itself that drew me on. At a certain level in my expanding consciousness I was aware of the ‘reality’ of past lives. I saw they existed within the greater Self (as did so many other realms of life I had forgotten in my humanness). But in a real sense the ‘lives’ were not really past. To the centre of the expanded awareness all lives were happening simultaneously. There was a clear opportunity to look into other lives, and I knew in the looking that a love from the ‘present’ lifetime might be explained in more detail. But my spirit knew that whatever had happened in the ‘past’, it was still only the fringes of the greater consciousness within. The present lifetime contained the knowing of all previous loves, and the present moment contained every opportunity for real freedom and love. Deeper still, at the centre of all lives was the real love inspiring it all. It was this silent call that beckoned me ever on. And so I passed them over.
Some final Truths dawned in days that were timeless, until every desire melted into one :
“I must know this unseen ultimate truth. It is more real and much more beautiful than anything else.”
There was one last doorway, and I sensed it was the last.
There was one fear left; untouched and unknown. Never before had I the courage, strength or conceptual framework to face it. This one fear appeared universal amongst everyone I had ever known. The last threshold of fear (for me) was dying. I stood poised for a moment. Ahead was the great mystery of death. Behind I looked with awe to how my consciousness had grown in the last weeks. With enormous gratitude, I reflected on how self-knowledge and love had served my growth so truly. My being was surrounded by a beautiful series of interlocking truths – conscious principles willing my growth and freedom. Still I willed to know the whole truth. I refused to accept that death could stop love. With loving thoughts as my guide, I began to question the very meaning of death itself.
Thoughts revolved rapidly around my mind:
“What is death? Always some mystery in the future. I know there is nothing to fear in the present, therefore there’s nothing to fear in dying - if one could be present. Just another experience.
“So what is dying to humanity, really? It’s fear itself, essentially! It’s the one fear humanity has to face. “
“There can only be fear of dying. But so few face the idea of death without fear! Out of everyone I have known, here’s an opportunity to do something really unique! I am not afraid. I am ready. Let me be the one.”
“If fear cannot stop love, then neither can dying. How could it? I cannot fear death, for fear is death. There is no separation. Death and fear are the same! “
I saw a further connection..
“Fear relies for its existence on concepts of time, just as death relies on concepts of a physical self. None of these are wholly true and real. Time and space were one! “
”Death only has a reality to a self that accepts itself limited by time and space. It’s only real to the physical Self. Whatever occurred physically at death, to a consciousness centered in the present, it would be just another experience. Love and thought are clearly not bound by the physical. They are qualities of consciousness. Consciousness just IS. Therefore all the true self survives death! So if nothing real dies, what happens? “
My heart skipped a beat in its consideration of the reality: “Something truly wonderful must happen! Any of the Self’s identification with the physical must be proven false; at death fear must yield before an unlimited reality of love!”
“Beyond all fear, beyond fear of death must be the one unchanging principal of life. As with meeting the challenge of any fear, consciousness must grow by moving into it. But as fear of death is so universal, to go beyond this fear must be an enormous expansion of consciousness.”
“So fear is nothing - just a teacher, a motivator! Bless you fear, and all you have taught me! Fear of death has been just a teacher, prompting growth within the human experience. ‘Dying’ must be a release to greater life! Earth life can’t be the real life after all!“
“I am not afraid of dying. I will not fear fear any more. I love fear. I understand its purpose. I will to see beyond its veil. I accept the reality of life beyond the physical. Now I will to know life, to know love beyond the idea of death! I will to know the whole truth beyond doubt! I give my being to know the true nature of life – beyond fear and death, beyond all limitation.”
According to the power of an unseen grace, I found it within me to understand and love fear. And I was free.
Peak Experience - Deliverance into boundless Light As though it had won a last great race, my mind had spent itself. All barriers had fallen before the will for the truth. Within, there appeared nothing more to think. No further concept arose for consideration. Thought seemed to have served its purpose, and dissolved into a silence filled only with promise. In this great stillness, my being was exquisitely aware, intuitively anticipating an expansion of consciousness. When, beyond thought itself, I felt every opposite, every duality within my mind coalescing into one rising force of consciousness.
And my spirit moved on.
As though the last cloak of human constraint had been lifted, my being stood fearless and open. ‘I’ was released to consciousness’s subtlest caress. Beyond mind’s domain, life danced wholly as ever-presence. Life and consciousness were one beautiful dynamic whole – existing everywhere simultaneously. My vision sparkled intensely alive, as though newly born. Human being danced the world over, as one, not limited by my physical body. From my awareness everything was worthy of love. Within and without there was no difference. Everything human was simply an opportunity to love. But the source of all love lay still deeper; greater; beyond everything I had imagined myself to be.
And it called my spirit on.
A fountain of never-ending serenity rose within; and into its deeper knowing mercifully melted every concept of self. An inexorable truth – a peace knowing no bounds welled up within my soul. From the very center of my being consciousness rippled out in every direction; restoring all unconscious depths in its wake. I was cradled by absolute certainty, being exalted in one great wave of awakening. Soaring in pure heavenly will, my consciousness was lifted ever higher, above the realm of what the human mind can comprehend. Waiting ahead in transcendent serenity, my spirit sensed the imminent company of the All.
Within came the faintest whisper, “Knowledge has served its purpose. Only Love Is. This is your time.”
Quietly then, time and space yielded; the weighted veil of physical vision fell away.
All at once pure consciousness exploded perfection beyond every conceivable frontier. Opening before my inner eye, every hearts’ prayer was answered, every hope became real, and the love of all eternity dawned as one Perfect Light. One light shone in answer to every yearning. One light shone as pure consciousness; unmistakable, indivisible, and eternally true. Brilliant rays reached out from the center, each shining with crystal clarity through dark emptiness, into infinity. Nothing opposed the Light. Nothing could divide it. In itself was all-being, within its rays all-knowing, and in its warmth all-loving. The light gave all, embraced all. This light could never falter; this being sees the whole Self and cannot doubt its worth. The light was beautiful beyond words. In it was the perfect realization of everything I had ever wanted. In the most exquisite conscious welcome, the great rays touched my soul with divine tenderness. Before the great light every facet of my humanness was blessed; every uniqueness in my being was cherished. Here was the relationship I had always sought to realize. The light was unquestionably eternal, and in its wondrous rays I knew my soul self to be immortal.
At last I was fully alive and my being was wholly light. I radiated with the joy of knowing the true nature of Self - absolute freedom - forever. At every level of consciousness my being was awake and fully aware. In reality there was nothing to fear. There was no death! There was only the shedding of a human skin and birth into greater life. Every human experience was just a dream before the awakened reality of the light. How long I had slept through earthly nights before journey’s end! At last I was there. That was all that mattered. Here was the purpose and meaning of human life – to return to this glory; to this knowing, to this being of life in its totality.
Such as no physical light, the rays of light reached out infinitely, forever. So great, nothing within the physical universe could contain it. The light waited always at the edge – asking nothing but live, Be forever. Here shone the source and being of All That Is. Here shone the gentle spirit of life..unlimited..light..blessing..understanding..All-That-Is. At the center of every longing I had always been seeking it. Within the light’s rays was the perfect essence of every beauty I had ever seen (or would see), every joy I had ever felt, every love I had known, and every life I had lived. And there it was. Perfection was entirely real and all inclusive; it was in the vision of the light itself.
I was held by the light; the consummate embrace of ten thousand lifetimes. It had filled my mind, poured through my awareness; my vision; my spirit. But then it reached down to my human heart.
So beautiful, tears plunged down my cheeks. I was held in this Love - so powerful my physical heart stopped - and Love exploded into eternity within me, through me, into everything I was, am, and could ever be...and out, out in one cosmic blessing of love, forgiveness and gratitude to all I had ever known.
Every memory of self exploded into the heart and being of the infinite. One Love - in All, for All. Forever.
With utmost grace, the heart of all-being withdrew in blissful waves, until there was some consciousness of myself again as an entity, looking to the light.
The perfect light still shone in perfect peace. But no longer did it only shine before me. It shone in recognition of itself in my being, and my being in it. All of my soul had been received by the light, and everything offered in return. Nothing remained between us; only one love sparkled in its silent knowing. Tears of gratitude plunged down human cheeks. Every longing was fulfilled within the Light – within the Self. Every beautiful meaning of life had been revealed in the great pulse of conscious light.
My being was whole; everything was complete. My spirit danced and shone with the light, vibrantly alive. I was a fully liberated consciousness.
Subsequently I was reminded I had just completed a human life, and this is what I was shown.
It was my intention to love; my singular will to know freedom and truth that had released me from the human journey. Every conceivable piece of guilt, fear, sorrow, regret, and pain had ceased to exist. Everything not of love had been a misunderstanding, an illusion in time, an impossibility in the living reality of light. In truth everything I had done, been, felt, even every thought was blessed and received with love.
No misperception was possible in the light. I was shown I had played my part on Earth perfectly. Before the higher wisdom there had been no mistakes. I was surprised to see that even what I had considered mistakes were equally worthy of love! Every ‘mistake’ I had made, every choice that brought suffering upon myself, had ultimately prompted learning, and that greater awareness led later to the light. ‘Mistakes’ were just one way of learning and growing – perhaps unconsciously and painfully, and a very fashionable human way ;), but still blessed. The forgiveness and love from the light was completely unconditional. Wrongdoing was simply inconceivable to it. Its vision was complete throughout eternity.
But my will to love, my intention to manifest my heart’s reality on Earth had been enough. It was no mistake. Rarely had I seen it received or reflected, but far higher powers and greater hearts had witnessed it all. Every thought and action coming from unconditional love served and extended the whole of life itself. Unconditional love was clearly the highest expression of life. The love I had felt for others was an extension of all of life’s love for me. In that, my will was supported by the highest essence of life itself. I was a being of love, an eternal child of life, who had sought to know it on earth. I was blessed for the courage to attempt sharing it there. But ultimately, love’s will had also brought me back home - to the light. My being was free to fly above the human schoolroom.
Looking to humanity
My attention was drawn collectively to everyone I had known. No particular person came to my mind. It was clear no individual I had known was ready to consciously share in the light at this level.
It had been right to release all the souls I had loved. I was shown they all would grow in their own freedom. But everyone I had known had chosen different paths to mine; each would offer different gifts to the world. All were safe and guided by their own unique and innate bond to the divine. I thanked the souls with whom I had shared the world. I thanked them for their being. I thanked them for watching over the human child and my soul’s growth as far as they could. I had been protected and supported up to the pathway of the spirit. But none could understand and walk with me any further. Within their souls, in the silence of unrealized dreams, I heard them bless and urge me on.
From the light I looked to humanity as a group of beings, and with it came the clear awareness: All, every single soul is blessed - as much as they can receive or dare to remember - and all will remember. Every soul can and will know this love, see this light - when the heart calls them home - at their perfect time. Every great hope, every beautiful dream will be manifest in time – with the dawning of the light in each one.
It was clear that wrongdoing by any soul was impossible - only my vision had not been perfect. In eternity - in reality - the balance is perfect – every thought - every action. The higher order appeared vast, just, and without flaw. It willed for all life’s growth and encouraged creativity at every level. Everything is forgiven. Every being would come to know the effects of their actions, as an integral part of their growth. New souls, being largely unaware and insensitive of the effects of their actions on others, might have a long, long journey in the human realm (as they also willed). But every soul, however bright, was still worthy of love. The One Light honored every soul’s courage to go beyond itself in the name of forever. The light knew the potential of each and held a vision of the magnificent beings each would ultimately become. Free will was an integral part of the Universe’s expansion. Each soul would grow into becoming a conscious creator in itself, expanding life further into infinity, expanding the core of conscious light – until everything was light.
Until the soul’s growth was complete on Earth, ‘Death’ would be integral and essential to the human journey; a sacred homecoming to greater life. Although many were lost and afraid in their human forgetting, each soul chose its own return to the light. Dying could be such an elegant part of life. If only people were not afraid. If only everyone knew the reality of their eternal life! To die truly was to live without limits!
No one could ever really be separate from the light – and yet most had forgotten it in their humanness. How perfectly the light hides within the very humanness! The last place so many people looked for perfect love was within the Self. No wonder it was easy for souls to rack up so many experiences and lifetimes in the human realm.
If only people knew that every human desire contained within it the seed of divine desire. If only they knew every human act could be an expression of love. If only they knew how much they were loved in their human frailty. If only people realized love was the most powerful force in the Universe. Each could grow by challenging the temporal nature of fear and guilt, giving of their love, creating themselves; extending the truth. Humanity could grow swiftly and ever so sweetly. There didn’t have to be suffering.
But most did not question the mass beliefs. Most people accepted ill-fitting costumes and lived lives that others defined for them. In that refusal they were keeping themselves in prison. The only guilt was their failure to honor themselves – and even that was their own creation – a choice – a misperception! So many beautiful souls were lost in fear and self-doubt. So few trusted the greater scheme of life. If only people could see the perfection that requires every individual to reach their own potential. If only they could accept that their very uniqueness was an essential and perfect compliment to the great light itself. If only they knew how much their uniqueness was cherished, loved unspeakably. If only they knew how strongly love would respond to their willingness to lay aside their defenses!
Love can never be forced upon another soul. Humans must have free will; and souls may even turn from love and their own joy. So many men were learning so slowly, through suffering! Growth is inevitable either way, though humanity always has the choice to learn through suffering or joy. Any pain was temporary and would ultimately lead to understanding of their own creative power. The mistakes, the hurts, and the suffering were all blessed as birth pains into a much greater life.
Each soul always held the keys to their ultimate freedom and awakening within them. Even so, many had forgotten this sacred truth and become lost. With gratitude I saw the light responded to the call of the human heart. Throughout the ages great souls had come to Earth to help humanity awaken. Again and again they had come to remind humanity of their value, innate freedom and potential. These souls would continue to come until the remembering was complete. They came to give the gifts of their being, their knowledge and their love, wherever they could be received. But rarely did any of these advanced souls stay long in the human realm.
The human experience was very valuable to the growth of the soul, but only up to a point. After exploration and ultimately challenging fear, guilt, and the limitations of the physical, the constant inspiration of love would be the only guide to being. On Earth I had seen much resistance to love. But I was shown the Earth was a temporary playground, one small schoolroom for life to evolve, where love went beyond and ultimately rediscovered itself. In the Light there were much grander spheres of consciousness, of life, of pure being - where love is all that is – cause, being and purpose.
Throughout my human life, memories had surfaced of these realms of love and the wondrous beings there. In vivid and beautiful dreams I had been able to return. There was never any resistance to my soul’s loving there, nor could I ever resist the exquisite embraces of those there. The most beautiful dreams had been living messages from my real home! I was overcome with longing to return. Tears of joy and gratitude poured down my cheeks. I knew there was a reality where (my) love was shared perfectly, where others accepted their own innate perfection.
Satisfied humanity’s path was exquisitely beautiful before the light; I turned my focus to the rays once more. I was filled with gratitude for the wonder and perfection of it all. The great plan guaranteed eternal life, sanctified free will, while still growth and joy were inevitable for every one. Every human structure seemed meaningless before such perfection. There was only freedom in the light; freedom to create, freedom to love, freedom to be throughout the Universe.
Looking to other life
Before my vision, the light was undeniably the source of the physical Universe. Life was clearly ongoing. It might take a myriad of forms in time, but the real essence of life never began and it never ended. Time and space were simply consciousness going beyond itself, an illusion within the eternal reality of oneness. The rays of light streaming into the void were at once the act of physical creation and its nourishment.
Nothing separated my being from any other thing. The light lived within everything, as it did within me. The light created galaxies, worlds, and all manner of conscious beings. These were no effort for it – simply an extension of itself, of life’s boundless love for itself. There was a spirit of oneness within all things – a boundless mutuality & understanding, a sense of love, absolute safety and peace that is quite impossible to describe in human terms. At this level of being it was impossible for anything to be hurt; just as it was impossible for there to be any (misunderstanding and) intention to hurt. Loving, creative and incredibly aware purpose promoted the best in each and all.
With love it was clearly possible to extend the awareness to any other life. It was possible to partake and learn of another’s reality; to experience their being. With the light I looked to the spirit of the Earth; at once I felt its incredible love for all the forms it nurtured. I looked to the animal, plant, and mineral kingdoms. It was clear that all form had its own consciousness; its own life. Even rock and stone had their own consciousness, although far from how humans perceive themselves. (If only people knew how to listen to what they have to say! I thought.) Highly evolved life on other planets existed too, and I saw they too honored this light. All life honored the light, consciously or unconsciously. The more beings consciously honoring the reality of the greater oneness and the interconnectedness of all things, the more joy, love and prosperity there would be. The loving truth, ever the master, the guide, the healer of my own higher being, was truly the quiet lord of All-That-Is. All was well. Satisfied that the physical Universe was an ongoing act of absolute love, I didn’t look any further into the details.
My being was completely alive and filled with gladness. Knowing the Self as consciousness; projecting love and thought together would be my passport to a free Universe.
Observing the light
Looking forward again, the light was still before me. My soul’s vision was completely clear; there was no trace of the heaviness (unconsciousness) of physical sight. My being was pure consciousness, radiating and seeing in every direction. Nothing was hidden. All of life was revealed in its supreme glory.
I marveled at the flawless beauty of the rays of light, completely incapable of thought. Each ray shone from the source – into my vision certainly, all around my consciousness, but also streamed beyond me into infinity. The great rays reached out through a black oblivion, with perfect consistency. And yet the black void could not be separate from the light, for the ‘void’s’ purpose was only that the light might extend into it, that life may go beyond itself in the name of forever. The real nature of life was oneness. The light in the void was the essential seed of physical life.
The rays were not earthly, but all-knowing, all-living light. There was absolutely no distortion in its rays. No language can describe the colors; perhaps a cognizant white, fringed by every color, including those yet to be seen on earth. The light was not physical, but it was much more real…because it was so unmistakably forever. Nothing physical could ever contain its totality, could honor its never-ending being.
Many rays shone, each so unique, so incredibly beautiful, so loving, and so life giving. Each ray blessed a fundamental aspect of creation. It was impossible to take in all the light, to know it completely, without becoming it. And yet it was exquisite just to look towards the light as an individual soul. I felt the immense value to all, to be an individual soul, able to appreciate the light from ‘outside’. The light could not know itself as completely without the separation. And each individual could not know itself completely without the return to the oneness of the light.
The creation process was perfect. Life had to go beyond itself in order to grow into even fuller expression. Infinity had to go beyond knowledge of itself. But infinity’s nature is oneness; all-inclusiveness. The only way to go beyond knowledge and being of itself is to forget within itself. The forgetting of the whole, the forgetting of divinity was an essential act of creation at the very fringes of All-That-Is. All-being gave everything of itself, expanded beyond the memory of itself into individual souls with free will. Each consciousness collected all manner of experiences, became self-aware, and returned to the Oneness with the benefit of those experiences. Love bonded all of creation and each being would be called back by the love of the whole. Returning to the source and the All, each individual being expanded the one light, before bursting out again with the will to grow and create. This was the cosmic pulse of creation. Again tears of joy plunged down my face. Creation was so incredibly beautiful, and every soul was an essential part of it, without even having to know. And yet to know the wonder of creation was to be blessed indeed..
My attention was drawn from the beauty of one ray to another. As my focus shifted from one to another the overall effect was one complete brilliance, sparkling with the reality of all-being. This light is the eternal, infinite jewel of all life.
Into the light
My being was drawn into the light, completely absorbed in its infinite beauty. Ever closer I was drawn in the singular longing to be one again with the light. It was all that mattered to my soul; only that this beauty should exist for everyone, forever. And it does (more tears). My small earth life - everything that had attempted to define my identity to that point - was as nothing before this eternal beauty. There was nothing I would not give to the light, nothing my soul would not do to honor it. There appeared nothing real or substantial to my soul remaining in my former earth life. There was no relationship where my soul’s knowledge and love could be honored. My soul was ready to share itself completely; to unfold into ever greater dimensions of consciousness, uplifted purely by love, never again to doubt its own perfection.
And so, giving one more blessing to those I had known, I focused wholly ahead to the great light. Nothing from the past remained before my longing for the eternal. Marvelled by it, my being moved on towards the source of the light. I could no longer see any darkness. There were only great rays of light streaming all around and beyond my being, going far behind to bless the dimensions of life remaining there.
My spirit was drawn into the One, until I became aware of a very clear choice. Ahead, the pure bliss of all creation was in the Light. There were no reservations about gently and lovingly laying aside my physical body - for it had truly served its purpose. Except this; to go on further into the Light would be to go beyond doubt - forever - and beyond being human. It would be the end of all costumes, the end of not knowing, the end of even ideas of ‘mistakes’, the end of exploring a world of limitation. Beyond this point, I knew there could be no turning back.
In a vision, I saw my physical shell fall away. It would appear to someone on earth that a young man had suddenly died. Furthermore, I saw the effects of this on those who remained. To those unable to see the deeper meaning, the higher love calling and the soul’s choice to respond – there would be shock; grief. But even that would serve their soul’s growth, their human questioning & learning. ‘Beautiful ones, remember the physical is just a shell’, I heard myself calling from the spirit world…’ It just cannot contain the eternal flowering of the spirit.’
The value of humanness
And so for one last time my attention was drawn back to humankind. But this time the eternal flame was lit within my being, and a Universal love walked by my side. Looking from the light, from beyond the earth sphere, I looked back to Earth.
“Did anything remain as valuable or interesting to my soul in humanness?”
Mistakes! There was still incredible beauty to be discovered in mistakes! To be human was to be able to do something, without knowing its effects. To think something, without witnessing it manifest. It was possible to feel the rush of a new experience, without the awareness of its coming. The excitement and unpredictability appealed to my spirit.
Without the greater awareness of cause and effect, it was possible to conceive of error in humanness. The perception of error could be painful, and it was often projected and multiplied within humanness, but every pain could be dispelled with the grace and beauty of forgiveness. The purpose of human relationship was to extend forgiveness and remember love. To forgive, to love, to see the beauty in another was to offer the light to them, even in their forgetting. How incredibly beautiful! How magical to remember and extend the light within the darkness! How beautiful to offer another the truth, to remind them of their true innocence! A network of light was growing between human hearts, until forgiveness will be complete on earth. Consciousness will be lifted, and the great crystal core of light would expand to include the world.
Human relationship was incredibly beautiful. I saw the love, the striving for love. How beautiful it all was, how widespread it was, and how many different earthly forms love could take. I saw and felt the pure essence of love of mother for child, of child for parents, between brother and sister, friend and stranger. I saw the magnificent sacrifice of one human life to demonstrate a higher love. I saw incredible love manifested on Earth in the forgiveness of ‘the unforgivable act’. I saw the beauty and nobility of it all. Love was the most powerful force on earth. It formed a very strong bond within families, but more people needed to remember that established bonds of love reach far beyond one lifetime. So few trusted their intuition with ‘strangers’; so many opportunities to remember love were lost. Every human being was one great family before the light. Every individual earthly love extended the light, served it, and ultimately returned to it. From the aspect of eternity, the balance, the justice, the mercy and the love of the human experience was all so clear and perfect.
Then I was drawn to look to at the love between male and female in human form. Within each was the potential of the other; within each the whole. Yet within intimate relationship the memory of the divine light could surface so perfectly, so joyfully. I saw the opportunity for two spirits to meet in physical form, to embrace, to love, and remember the light within every physical aspect their humanness. Through loving presence and the commitment to forgive all, the illusions of the physical shell could fall away ever so sweetly. There was depthless beauty waiting to be discovered inside each one. Divine love could be celebrated in every aspect of human relationship between man and woman. My soul searched for a fully loving intimate relationship, but could not recall it. My being could not see its realization within humanness. My vision could scarcely even contain it. The potential was unspeakably beautiful. The essence of this experience was contained in the light, but its realization within humanity was exquisite beyond my soul’s comprehension. My soul had still not manifested the light within intimate relationship on Earth. This caused me to pause..
My being stood poised between the great light and the human experience. I had seen the love within so many facets of humanity. Great love existed within humanity for each other, but as I turned to look at the light, I truly understood the connection between humanity and the divine light. Not only did the great light radiate love to each and all, but conscious messengers from the divine light brought this love to Earth.
Love - divinely inspired love - plays for humanity in a harmony so perfect I could only weep with joy. Angels - conscious beings who only know love - witnesses and servants of the Ultimate reality - see only beauty within us all - and are devoted through all time to every soul on Earth. A profound surge of love overcame my Being. My soul was consumed in the love for humanity. So beautiful and complete was this one resonance of love, no sense of my own identity remained apart from it.
Then I saw a host of incredible brothers and sisters on Earth, beings who had tragically forgotten their light. There were beings of wondrous love on Earth who had forgotten who they are. They had come as children - gifts of love to the earth plane – knowing they would forget their divinity. And yet still they came - in an incredible act of pure love. I looked to the essence of these unique souls. Many had forgotten how awesomely beautiful and precious they are as individuals - to all the rest of life. I saw exquisite beings, men, women and children whom my soul could only love. My being yearned to remind them. Every soul experiencing humanness was loved beyond description - and my soul longed to show them.
Furthermore, I was shown souls on Earth especially close to my soul, but I had never met them. The love of these souls resonated profoundly with my own, each of us unique but complimentary. We would be able to play and rise together in celestial harmony. These souls were questioning their identity in the name of love; they were able to receive. These souls were ready to remember it all; their perfect innocence, the love, their true power, the light. They were souls seeking to know love fully within the human experience, as I had sought to.
There were souls on Earth committed to remembering. And no great love can leave lost any soul willing to be free.
I looked to the light again. This time my being addressed it, speaking to the great love with my mind.
“The power of love has no limits. Love creates and honors life - forever. Love must respond to this call from within humanity. Cannot an Angel simply burst into their reality and show them the light?”
The light echoed a reply in thought: “In another earth time that would have been appropriate. But would not most people fear it now? Had not I too, in my humanness, feared spirits and any such ‘supernatural’ occurrences? Remember: love cannot manifest where fear will be the result.”
“This great love will touch them again. But it’s time for those on Earth to recognize the ultimate love as themselves. They have to know it within their humanness.”
The thought trailed off into silence “As you did..”
And so, it was immediately clear. As a soul before the light, there was an opportunity to return to Earth as a human personality. My soul was shown an incredible opportunity to love humanity. “Mirror to them their own perfection. It’s the only way some of them will remember.“
“How shall I find these souls on earth?” “Higher powers will guide you together. Your heart’s vision will show them to you.”
“But how could I get back to humanness from this?” “You don’t have to know how. With such will aligned with love, it can only be so..“
There came the knowing that this would mean forgetting divine truths (and inevitable illusory suffering). The awakened soul could see that the human personality was not equipped with any structure for holding and spreading the light. But the will to love was so strongly established within the humanness..
Without further hesitation the spirit said "Yes, we'll take that body again, and we'll pick up the pieces of that human personality, we’ll accept the limitation, just so as to return to Earth with this awareness - so that love may be served to it's fullest extent.”
This decision was made before the light; and immediately following an astonishingly clear voice confirmed "Go back, Phillip. It’s not time for you yet. There will be another time."
Immediately I knew this to mean; either I would touch the Light again in physically dying, or earlier in another enlightenment if I chose to honor a spiritual path/an inner life in my humanness.
Next I was aware of swiftly, gently, falling, fading from the vision of a universal spirit of love, and yet still cradled by some exquisite higher power. My consciousness appeared back at my human body. Physical eyes gazed at the desk in front of me, but I was captured in the awareness of the unlimited vitality, life and grace pouring into my body. I felt myself on the very edge of ‘optional physicality’, distinctly aware that the body is no limitation to the reality of the spirit.
I raised my head and looked about me. Two girls were standing fifteen feet away, staring at me. I looked at them, scarcely grounded, barely grasping the scene with the body’s limited vision. The girls stared back, but what they saw I cannot say. Clearly they witnessed something that transfixed them for some moments. I looked at them, at their physical bodies, and knew instinctively that it was but a fraction of their whole being. I was immediately aware that I could know anything about them I wished at that point, if I turned my attention there.
But I didn’t want to know; whatever they had done, they were worthy only of love. That was all that mattered. With that, I blessed them in my mind, and they moved slowly away.
And so another journey into humanness had begun.
After many months of writing, I can reflect on my purpose in sharing the experience. The reasons are several fold:
- To better remember my own light. To get clearer on how I can best share my light in the world. The writing itself has served to realize much of the purpose within me, but readers moved to share any wholly loving insight in this regard, are welcome to.
- To remind others of their own light; the One light. I can only pray the message reminds some that life is eternal, that love is unlimited, and that you in your uniqueness are immensely important and valuable to life. ‘My experience’ was not for ‘me’ alone. It could not be.
- To find and ultimately meet people who resonate very positively with these words. Hopefully some readers will see enough of their higher selves mirrored in these words, to imagine value in an earthly friendship with me. As of writing, there is still room in my life for real soul relationships. =)
Shine on All,
1. What is your name, address, telephone, e-mail address Phillip L. Australia.
What is your level of confidentiality -
Permission to publish? No, other than NDERF website.
If so, anonymously or with your first name? First name, please.
Do you wish your e-mail address to be posted? Yes, firstname.lastname@example.org
Permission to contact you? Yes.
If so, preferred method of contact by e-mail, snail mail? email
2. Please provide the events surrounding your NDE including the approximate date and location.
July 1992, Perth, West Australia.
Were there any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?
No, none whatsoever.
Were you knowingly attempting to end your life?
2-1/2. Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes.
If yes, What was it about the experience that makes it hard to communicate?
Language is based upon our popular concepts of relativity; subject, objects, and comparisons. Language has always been challenged by the intangible realities of love and consciousness. It is quite unable to communicate the absolute; that can only be experienced directly. How does one explain conscious life to the perpetual dreamer?
3. At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event? No.
4. What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience? For many weeks I was completely conscious as never before; conscious of the many levels of my own being, all my surroundings, and (ultimately) other realities simultaneously.
Was the experience dream like in any way? No. Everything before and since has been a dream. One day I shall wake up to reality again (with great joy).
5. Was there any medical evidence of cessation of breathing or heart function? No.
6. Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body? No, not really. Although it was clear the body was just a focus for a greater consciousness in this reality.
7. Describe in detail the events (in order) that happened. Please see the comprehensive description in the text.
8. What emotions did you feel? See text.
9. Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises? At various stages I heard incredibly beautiful (celestial) music and harmonies. They went on an on, unfolding into ever greater beauty; never repeating. I knew they had not yet been manifested on earth.
10. Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure? No.
11. Did you see a light? Yes. Described in text.
12. Did you meet or see any other beings? I did not see any, but a final voice told me to ‘Go back’. The voice was absolutely clear and came from within me. It was a voice – expressed within my mind - but very clearly not my own. I was quite shocked by this at the time. I did not have a pre-existing belief system to integrate such an encounter.
13. Did you experience a review of past events in your life? Described in text.
Did you learn anything you did not have previously know? Please provide details. Did you learn anything that helps you live your life now? I learned a host of things, as described in the text. One difficulty upon returning to ‘mainstream’ western life is that much of what I learned is not honored here. Most people are not seriously interested, or aspiring for the realization of perfection (within themselves).
14. Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events occurring while you were unconscious that could be verified later? No, and I should mention this does not bother me personally. Since the experience there has been an important switch of allegiance within me; from the head to the heart.
15. Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions? No. Everything and everyone about me in this reality radiated a subtle heavenly glow. It was as though I was seeing everything clearly..
16. Did you have any sense of altered space or time? Yes. See text. Time is an illusion within eternity.
17. Did you have a sense of knowing universal order and/or purpose? Yes. See text.
18. Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Fear, doubt and a belief in the limitation of the physical seemed the only limit. Beyond a certain level of consciousness limits are not even conceivable.
19. Did you become aware of future events in your life? Hmm, all I saw of the future was a reunion with like souls on Earth. As of writing this still hasn’t happened; at least the souls I have since met and loved haven’t seemed to fully recognize the opportunity. =( However the wider sharing of my experience on the WWW will hopefully draw some of these people to me. =)
20. Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body? If yes, describe, including your emotions at that time. Yes. Described in text.
21. Did you have any psychic or paranormal gifts following the NDE you did not have prior to the NDE? Yes.
A host of psychic ‘gifts’ were awakened after my experience; including: greatly heightened sensitivity and awareness, ability to pick up thoughts and emotions of others, some out-of-body experiences, some sensitivity to angelic and disincarnate presences, some healing ability, some direct intuition/instruction about higher spiritual truths/inner workings of matter, some lucid dreaming, some ability to interpret dreams as they happened (was able to accurately interpret all recurring dreams from childhood), some surfacing memories of beautiful past lives with loved ones, powerful visions of the future, as least relating to my growth.
My human personality was somewhat overwhelmed by all this! My a-spiritual belief system struggled to integrate the reality of all these 'spiritual' dimensions, and I knew no-one with a loving spiritual belief system to share with or learn from. After six months or so, it all became too much for me. I was still very ‘open’ psychically. I did not even know of meditation (or any similar technique) for stilling the mind and knowing (and working with) the Self as conscious energy. I hadn’t even learned to acknowledge and release into any higher power. There was a huge gulf between the ‘inner and the outer’ and my identity swung rapidly in shockwaves from my experience. I was lifted to further (lesser) awakenings, falling back to deeper forgetting, again and again.
On one occasion my energy was so very low. It was truly the dark night of the soul. I could not conceive a single positive thought. I felt I was being sucked down from the physical reality, against my will, into a terrible void of darkness and despair. I knew there was nothing I could do to save myself alone. In a last act of free will, I called upon the power of the One and the unseen higher forces. I was immediately lifted up by grace, back into the human realm, fully free of will and able to think positive thoughts once more. Since that moment my belief system changed dramatically to acknowledge the reality of the unseen!
After that experience there was still so much psychic stuff happening; it was all just too much. I asked the higher powers that I may forget everything that had happened to me, just so that I may return to a ‘normal‘ human life. That wish was granted; more or less. ;-) There was never another negative experience, and the psychic gifts no longer overwhelmed me. I resolved not to explore any of these ‘gifts’ as ends in themselves. I would only develop them in service; grounded in humanity; motivated by love.
22. Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the NDE? Yes. There were enormous changes that were a huge challenge to integrate.
My belief system was forced to expand rapidly to include the reality of the spiritual. This was difficult, because I had been raised in an environment that was completely ignorant, prejudiced and fearful of all such things. Only many years and changes later have I become comfortable with concepts of Angels, and relating to higher powers.
Attitudes to people and relationships were not changed by my experience as much as enhanced and greatly refined. Intimate relationships are still the greatest focus of my learning (or remembering). However I no longer look for anything in others, other than a reminder of divinity. This I often see, because I strive to see it and make it real here. Wherever possible I honor the calling of my heart and try to remind others of their own beauty and innocence. This is not always easy.. most people refuse to accept their own power in the present. Instead they give enormous power to shadows remaining in their past – and so insist on living unconsciously. What to do? Love cannot be forced upon another. It would be very good for my growth/remembering to meet similarly conscious human souls.
23. How has the NDE affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices etc.? Career choices?
The effects have been so enormous; it is effectively living a new lifetime, albeit from a much greater level of awareness. There were great difficulties fitting into my former lifestyle, given the enormity of the changes within the self. In fact most of my former lifestyle, and most of the relationships had to be released. To be honest I think there is something very graceful about dying ‘properly’! Everyone lets you go and you get to plan the ‘next’ lifetime’s important details very carefully before returning!
Relationships have always been about forgiveness, loving and growth to me, only since my experience it’s even more so. I find I can only relate to people who value and practice such things themselves. In intimate relationships I often feel tremendous energy to love, even if I only see the slightest opportunity. After my experience it seems an acute tragedy to me when others turn away from an opportunity to receive love; to know their innocence and value - such a waste of an unconditional blessing. Many people seem to have forgotten that real love is unconditional and that every aspect of the self is worthy of it. =)
I had never been much interested in the concept of career; even less so after the experience. It would seem an abomination to allow myself to fall under the will of any influence promoting ignorance of the self, fear or guilt; that is to say most human structures to some degree. I have tried to arrange my life to be as independent as possible, able to respond and act upon my heart’s calling whenever, wherever. I am much more interested in recalling and living by the higher spiritual laws which govern all souls and work for their ultimate liberation. God willing, my simple material existence will be supported in this somehow. I have little interest in the accumulation of material possessions. I see these things as a distraction in themselves, unless they can be shared for some greater joy. The real treasures of human life are love and relationships; these are undoubtedly eternal.
There has been a frustration trying to find relationships or human structures to share my experience and knowledge. I have looked at many different religious and spiritual bodies, only to find most seem to see various degrees of value in guilt. I can never be a part of a thought system that promotes fear or guilt, or that denies the value of love, thought, and personal experience. Perhaps I have to create an outlet for my own truth?
24. Have you shared this experience with others? Yes.
If yes, What were their reactions? Were they influenced in any way by your NDE? How?
I shared some of it with family the next day. Their belief system was unable to cope. One parent told me never to mention it again. After that I only told people I thought might benefit to know. A few people appreciated the sharing and the ideas of their freedom and innocence. Although to understand the depths of it you have to have experienced something similar yourself. Strangely, in my travels I met almost no-one who had any similar experience. That is one reason I decided to share my experience on the World Wide Web.
25. What emotions did you experience following your NDE? Bliss for days, possibly weeks. I saw the divinity in everything. I wanted to stop people in the street and remind them they were immortal and loved beyond belief; that there was nothing to fear. Perhaps I should have stopped people? But what would they say? What would you, dear reader, say to that? What would I say (today) if love came to me in a package I did not expect? Each of us limits the way love can touch us now through our expectations of the future and attachments to the past.
26. What was the best and worst part of your NDE?
The all encompassing love was the best part; and not just that it wholly embraced ‘me’, but that it was always there for everyone - forever. Returning to the forgetting in the human dimension was the worst part. Although, that need not have been so bad. The greatest pain was not being able to share the fruits of love and knowledge here, and the gulf between what my intellect believed about reality and the reality of psychic experiences which occurred after the experience. That is why the internet and such forums offer such an important opportunity for sharing and integration. Every NDEer who returns brings with them an enormous blessing. They have to be listened to, nurtured and cherished until they get their feet here; as do children coming from the light, I might add.
I believe there should be earthly facilities to help NDEers integrate their experience. Just as there are clearing stations and rest homes on “the other side” for those who need to rest and be lovingly re-orientated after crossing over, there need to be similar places on earth. The crossing in the other direction back to human ‘life’ is no less traumatic. In fact I would suggest it is much more so! If there is already such a place in the World, or anyone is committed to setting one up, I would like to hear about it.
27. Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the NDE? No.
28. Following the NDE, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the NDE experience? No. I have been fortunate to never have a use for any medications and substances.
29. Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your NDE? Yes, they provide a useful conceptual structure.
30. Please offer any suggestions you may have for these questions to help us understand NDE? Good questions and good last question.
Perhaps you might ask: “What would you like to achieve in the sharing of your experience?”
My answer: To help validate others’ exceptional experiences. To help others integrate their own experiences. To personally meet and work with some of these people. =) To bring more awareness of higher realities of light and love to earth. To encourage hope, love, and growth amongst those striving for it. To draw to me souls who will share and reflect my own light.
You might also consider asking “What could be done to assist NDEers return to this level of consciousness?”
My answer to that is contained in the section above. I feel there should be earthly facilities to help people integrate their experiences. I feel there could be great value to me and others in that. I would like to be part of a non-denominational organization like that.
There is a fully revised and extended (double length) version of this account available at the author's own website.