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Pat Z's Experience

Experience description:   

I had been happily married for 9 years and out of the blue, one day my husband raged at me and berated me for hours. Among many things, he told me he was leaving me and that I was a failure and useless as a wife, housewife, and partner and that the marriage was over and he was leaving me. When he was finished with his tirade he left the house, leaving me alone there that night. 

This was my second marriage and I felt devastated and like a complete failure as a person because I felt I couldn't do anything right, and my husband just reinforced that idea. I went to bed that night alone, crying and in great emotional pain because I believed what he had told me. As I was going to sleep I begged God to let me die in my sleep as I felt that I was useless and could not take the pain of having a second failed marriage and the feeling of being a failure as a person again.  

I didn't believe in suicide so I would not take my own life but I did beg God to do me a favor and let me die because I didn't "want to do this anymore". I begged Him to give me a break and just take me off this earth, let me die in my sleep because I didn't want to carry on any more, I didn't want to be here anymore, it hurt too much and I didn't deserve to live.  

After eventually falling asleep, I experienced a very powerful dream at about 2:00am. I remember because after I woke up I looked at the clock. In the dream a translucent being, which I took to be an angel (because I saw the tops of wings folded behind it's shoulders) communicated to me. It faced me and I saw the front of it but there was no face or body details, just a glowing shape that roughly resembled an angel. It was glowing, kind of like the color of a 25watt light bulb, a yellow, nearing orange color. It was neither male or female and when it communicated to me, it did not talk and I did not hear, but somehow I knew what it was telling me and what it was doing. 

It reached with its right 'arm' toward a wall that was about 4 feet in front of me. It seemed to be like a wall of white cloud or thick mist and it was like the angel was sliding a window open that I hadn't seen before. As it slid the window open I moved closer to the window to look but could not see anything but white mist, although it was a thinner mist than what the wall was made of.  

I also recall that the angel or being, told me, as it opened the window or possibly just before it opened the window, that 'this is death'. However, when the window opened I felt a rush of overwhelming feelings whoosh out from the window and flood into me. The feelings came from inside that place beyond the wall and the window.  

It was like an indescribable love and compassion and kindness and joy and happiness all flooded into my chest from that window when it opened. The words I'm using can't actually fully describe the intensity or depth or level of feelings that flooded into my chest and my body, filling me up with that intense love and acceptance and joy and happiness. I remember that after I woke up from the dream, I knew that there were no words to describe what I had felt from that experience. And I was euphoric and the pain I had been feeling that also made me want to die was gone. 

After that I knew that because death was actually such a good place to go, I didn't want to die anymore because I had been wanting to punish myself for being a failure and didn't deserve to live. However, since I realized that death is actually such a euphoric place to be, it was purposeless to die at that time. I simply no longer wanted to die. 

I also knew that death was not something to be feared and that it was actually a wonderful and lovely experience. I don't have a fear of death anymore. I know what is there waiting for me when I do eventually die and I have had a lot of comfort from that.  

I also knew that this was more than a dream and believed that it had come to me to show me what death was and to give me the love and compassion that was missing in my life at that time. It was like it happened to fill me up with love so that I could carry on living, even in those circumstances. I remained euphoric for a number of weeks after that, until I slowly started to forget the experience. Eventually after a couple of years I had forgotten the experience but it never really left me completely. I have never feared death since. 

After reading about near death experiences over the last several years I was struck by the fact that people described it as an indescribable sense of love and joy and that afterwards they had no fear of death. This struck me because that was part of my experience although I was never near death in a physiological sense. However, I was in an extreme emotional crisis and my spirit had been crushed. The experience gave me the ability to carry on living.

At the time of your experience was there an associated life-threatening event?   No 

Was the experience difficult to express in words?  Yes     It's difficult to recall events and describe them adequately as what I saw and experienced were not what I have experienced before or since. It's difficult to express the words to describe what it was like as there are no adequate words to describe it.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?    I was aware throughout the experience.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness?      More consciousness and alertness than normal   I experienced it all as a very powerful event and with heightened euphoric feelings.

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.
   Same

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.
   I heard without being spoken to, as if I was just aware of what was being communicated. I usually hear someone because they have opened their mouth and spoken.

Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during a time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body?   No  

What emotions did you feel during the experience?   Very joyous and happy - euphoric.  

Did you pass into or through a tunnel?   No  

Did you see an unearthly light?   No  

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice?   I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
There was a translucent being, which I took to be an angel (because I saw the tops of wings folded behind it's shoulders) communicated to me. It faced me and I saw the front of it but there was no face or body details, just a glowing shape that roughly resembled an angel. It was glowing, kind of like the color of a 25watt light bulb, a yellow, nearing orange colour. It was neither male or female and when it communicated to me, it did not talk and I did not hear, but somehow I knew what it was telling me and what it was doing.

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)?   No  

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings?   No  

Did you become aware of past events in your life during your experience?   No  

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world?   A clearly mystical or unearthly realm
I saw an unearthly realm but didn't enter it. There was a wall that was about 4 feet in front of me. It seemed to be like a wall of white cloud or thick mist and it was like the angel was sliding a window open that I hadn't seen before. As it slid the window open I moved closer to the window to look but could not see anything but white mist, although it was a thinner mist than what the wall was made of.

Did time seem to speed up or slow down?   No

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything?   Everything about myself or others
After that I knew that because death was actually such a good place to go, I didn't want to die anymore because I had been wanting to punish myself for being a failure and didn't deserve to live. However, since I realized that death is actually such a euphoric place to be, it was purposeless to die at that time. I simply no longer wanted to die. 

I also knew that death was not something to be feared and that it was actually a wonderful and lovely experience. I don't have a fear of death anymore. I know what is there waiting for me when I do eventually die and I have had a lot of comfort from that.  

I also knew that this was more than a dream and believed that it had come to me to show me what death was and to give me the love and compassion that was missing in my life at that time. It was like it happened to fill me up with love so that I could carry on living, even in those circumstances.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?   Yes
There was a wall that was about 4 feet in front of me. It seemed to be like a wall of white cloud or thick mist and it was like the angel was sliding a window open that I hadn't seen before. As it slid the window open I moved closer to the window to look in but could not see anything but white mist, although it was a thinner mist than what the wall was made of.

Did you come to a border or point of no return?   No

Did scenes from the future come to you?  No 

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness suggesting that there either is (or is not) continued existence after earthly life (“life after death”)?   Yes   The angel or being, told me, as it opened the window or possibly just before it opened the window, that 'this is death'. When the window opened I felt a rush of overwhelming feelings whoosh out from the window and flood into me. The feelings came from inside that place beyond the wall and the window.  

It was like an indescribable love and compassion and kindness and joy and happiness all flooded into my chest from that window when it opened. The words I'm using can't actually fully describe the intensity or depth or level of feelings that flooded into my chest and my body, filling me up with that intense love and acceptance and joy and happiness. I knew that death was not something to fear, that this was something that awaited me when I died and it was wonderful.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that God or a supreme being either does (or does not) exist?   No  

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that you either did (or did not) exist prior to this lifetime?   No  

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that a mystical universal connection or unity/oneness either does (or does not) exist?   No  

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s meaning or purpose?   No   Life was meant to be lived and the difficulties and challenges are not that significant or important in the overall scheme of things. They are just part of life.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s difficulties, challenges, or hardships?   Yes   Life was meant to be lived and the difficulties and challenges are not that significant or important in the overall scheme of things. They are just part of life.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding love?   Yes   There is an incredible love, an indescribable love and compassion waiting for us in death.

During your experience, did you encounter any other specific information / awareness that you have not shared in other questions that is relevant to living our earthly lives?   Yes   There is no reason to fear death, in fact it is wonderful.

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge or purpose?   No  

What occurred during your experience included:   Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience   I had very little belief or knowledge of angels or what the afterlife would be like. I didn't particularly believe the classic biblical belief or Muslim belief in the afterlife or heaven, and even if I did, this experience was not like what I had been taught about heaven.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience?   I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience     

My experience directly resulted in:  
Moderate changes in my life

Did you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that occurred as a result of the experience?  
Yes   I believed that I was loved and there was no reason to fear death because upon death I would be going back to a place of great love and compassion and joy.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you?   The knowledge that there is a great love that is there for me when I need it.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience?   No  

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you?    
The knowledge that there is a great love that is there for me when I need it.

Have you ever shared this experience with others?  
Yes  15 years. They were surprised but believed me. Don't know if they were influenced, probably not.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?   No  

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:   Experience was definitely real   It was so powerful that I awoke from the dream and recalled all of it. The feelings of love and euphoria were with me after I woke up and stayed with me for several weeks.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience at the current time:   Experience was probably real   I think it was real because it is so much like some of the NDE descriptions and has many similarities. I had never heard of NDEs until about 10 to 15 years later.

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?   No  

Have your religious beliefs/spiritual practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?   No  

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience?   No     

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?   Yes