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Nicole M's Experience

Experience description:   

When I was young, I believe around 4 years of age, my sister and I found our biological mother asleep on the couch and she wouldn't wake up. I guess I kind of broke after that. My sister got on the phone to call for help and I sat on the couch, screaming for her to come up there with me. I was seeing monsters everywhere. I was scared they would get her and wanted her up there to protect me, too. I even saw a hand coming from the couch cushion. I guess it was actually kind of strange because I found the left side of the couch, which was the furthest away  from my mother. Eventually she got onto the couch with me and I wanted to close my eyes. She kept telling me not to fall asleep and open them or I wouldn't open them again. All I know is I just wanted to sleep. Finally, I won the argument and fell asleep, leaned to the left against her. I remember my sister tried to wake me up and at some points I wanted to, but just felt I needed to sleep. Someone else slapped my face a little, trying to wake me, but I think I was too far asleep by then. I had my head resting on the left arm of the couch. Then I woke up, my sister was off the couch, behind a couple of people and a lady was leaning over me. She pulled a mask off my face and said, "You gave us quite a scare, there.". I think I said, "I just wanted to sleep.". Everything after that was just snip-bits. And I was always 'weird'. I hardly spoke. Everyone thought I was traumatized, but to be honest I didn't really feel much. I would get insulted, hurt, wronged, etc. and would never say anything on my own behalf. My sister would always defend me.

That's all I knew for the longest time. It didn't really surprise me, because I don't remember much at all from my childhood. Just snip-bits. It's also proven to be useless to try to find records. I was adopted and a lot of what is in my records has been blacked out.

But, it always kind of bugged me. I'd start trying to remember and it would always go back to that experience. I eventually got to the point that no matter how much it bugged me I just kind of pushed it off. Then, one day, it was like bam! I was in the shower about three or four years ago and I had to sit down, it came to me. It wasn't like it all flashed before my eyes. I hadn't even thought about it for a while. I remember I was having trouble with my feelings because my sister and I were fighting and hadn't spoken for a long time. I had just turned the shower on when I thought, "I have to talk to her, she's the reason I'm here.". The night came back up, only this time it had more in it.

I just sat down and remembered it like it was there all along almost. Like there were blanks and they started to fill themselves. I remember why it seemed I was already gone when they were slapping my face. I was really, truly too far gone. I was already starting to see things 'from above'. My sister standing there, just watching. I think there was three people, standing and sitting above the me on the couch. But, at the same time I was aware of all of this I was having some kind of weird conversation. There was a man. Beautiful. I don't want to say we were on clouds, but it kind of seemed that way. It was the normal, usual room everywhere else, accept in this bright little area we were. I couldn't see anything on the other side of him. We weren't far above everything else, maybe 20 feet.

I don't remember everything. I guess maybe I'm not meant to, yet. Or maybe there's still trauma. But, I remember he was telling me that it was time to come back and it was getting very bad there (as in on earth). He didn't tell me what I needed to do. But, he seemed to want me to go with him. I remember it seemed strange that I had no previous education of God, angels, heaven and hell. I came from an abusive home. If I had ever been to church I had never absorbed anything from it. But, in that place I knew that there was God and I was actually worried about making him upset by arguing and being proven unworthy or he'd think I didn't trust him. I remember looking at my sister and everything he said about it being bad and getting worse made me want more and more to not leave her. She was good, is what I thought. I told him there was still good there, like her and that I know what he said is true and if he chose for me to go with him I would accept it and trust him. But, I didn't want to lose her. I remember I told him there was still good. He said it would get much, much worse and the devil would make it scarier. I told him I'm not scared of the devil and some other stuff. I was a bit scared the whole time that I would be sent to hell or God would never welcome me back because I argued. I didn't want him to think I cared more for anyone or anything than him. I didn't want to say I think he's wrong. I just remember that I felt like I had to convince him. The man I spoke to seemed to have so much weight on his shoulders. He seemed kind of sad, and loved so much. I cannot attest that it was God... my guess is maybe an angel. He did not touch me. He stood calmly on the other side of the little space. And when he started to slip away (I knew he was letting me go back) I remember he smiled. He was accepting and in some ways I think he may have approved. When I slipped back into myself it wasn't like I fell into myself. It was like I was falling into a darkness and then slowly started to come out of the darkness. And when it was complete, it was shocking, like it was the first time of seeing things. kind of the way I'd imagine a baby being born.

When I remembered it, I finished my shower kind of happy that I had remembered a little and it seemed to explain the way I was for years afterwards a little bit. after the shower I was kind of content, just thinking of this new memory. But, then I thought of the little snip-bits I still don't remember. I don't remember a lot of the conversation. I don't remember all of the exact words. After remembering that, the little snip-bits of memory I have before and after kind of bug me even more.

I want to remember fully. I'm even considering going to a hypnotics therapist or something. Anything to remember it all. I don't want to tell people about it, cause it's just weird how I didn't remember it for the longest time and I don't want to turn out to just be crazy. Then I'm also a little scared of the feedback I'd get. More than that, I'm scared that there may be things I'm not supposed to share with the world. Like it may need to be between me and God. But, I can't help the overwhelming feeling that once I remember it all, I'll know the answer to these problems. And I don't always know what to call it. I don't think I died or my sister would surely remember it. I don't remember as much as I should to provide an accurate account. I've just been keeping it to myself and trying to secretly find stuff on it on the net. I've looked up astral projection, out of body experiences and NDE. Nothing seemed quite like what I experienced. It was all about, the tunnel, the light, someone saying 'you have to go back'...none of it was about a conversation or anything. Then I found this: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/34953759/ns/today-today_people/t/doctor-claims-he-has-evidence-afterlife/ 

That sounds right. I don't want people to know, just due to my own insecurity. But, I also have no clue how to figure it out. I need help. If it turns out it wasn't a real memory and it's just crazy stuff I'm fine. I just need to find a way to know, cause is seems as real as any memory, now that I remember. Just with a couple smaller holes. Do I need to go under hypnosis? What can I do. All I can think of now is to ask you experts discreetly. Please, help. Please, don't make me a psych case or even a known study.

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          Uncertain            After a mental breaking point I just wanted to go to sleep. I don't think I died or anything... I'm not sure to be honest. I really can't remember much.

Was the experience difficult to express in words?   Uncertain      It took me a long time to remember. I have issues with remembering a lot of things from my past, due to abuse and lack of records.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?    Speaking to the man. I was aware of everything around me and I was speaking, not as a child, but someone who knew the world and was ready to take anything on with the grace of God.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness?     More consciousness and alertness than normal            I'm speaking in context of my age at the time.

Did your vision during the experience differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any way, such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)?            No      

Did you have any visual impairment during your normal everyday life immediately prior to the time of the experience?            No      

Did your hearing during the experience differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any way, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness, etc.)?            Yes     Honestly, can't.

Did you have any hearing impairment during your normal everyday life immediately prior to the time of the experience?            Uncertain      Shortly after I was found to have scarred eardrums and constantly hear ringing. It effects my ability to hear when people speak to me. I may have had the same issue before the experience.

Did you experience consciousness / awareness apart from your physical / earthly body?            Yes     I have no clue how I all the sudden knew all that stuff for a fact. And that manner of thinking for a four year seems pretty odd to me.

Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring at a time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body?            Uncertain      What? You have confused me a bit.

Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during the time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body that you later (after your experience) verified really happened or was real?            Uncertain      Confusion.

Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during the time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body that you later (after your experience) verified did not really happen or was not real?            No       As confusing as these question remain. Everything seems to have really happened.

Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during the time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical body that were located far beyond any possible physical sensory awareness of your physical / earthly body?            No      

What emotions did you feel during the experience?            completely conflicted. I was safe. That is undeniable. Whatever entity I was speaking with loved me deeply. I picked up more on the entities emotions than my own. His were so sound. While mine were conflicted. I would be happy to go, but wanted to stay due to my promise to my sister and my hope for humans. I had faith in humans. He did, too, but it hurt. I wanted to prove there was a chance, but also didn't want to insult God. I would not question him, but wanted him to see my point of view before making his decision. He seemed to be content with it. Almost happy.

Did you pass into or through a tunnel?            Uncertain      I don't think I did when it began. But, I certainly feel I did when I headed back.

Did you see an unearthly light?            Yes     it wasn't like the light in the end of the tunnel. It was around our little space. Quite bright. But, on the other side of the man it was too bright to even see beyond him.

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)?            Yes     I don't think I even really knew any of the Christian teachings at the time. But, I all the sudden knew it, how God is, had and understanding that I don't even always have nowadays of him. It was strange that I all the sudden knew what I had no experience with beforehand in this stage of life.

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth, but whose earthly lives had ended prior to the time of your experience (they were deceased)?            No      

Did you encounter or become aware of any earthly beings who were alive at the time of your experience (they were not deceased)?            No                  

Did you become aware of past events in your life?            No       I said no... but, in my mind this seems to be a point of reference to which I FORGOT a lot of past events.                                  

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world?          I was floating with someone in this bright space not too far above everything that was going on around my physical being. It was clear I was in a completely different realm where I couldn't be seen or heard.

Did time seem to speed up?       Everything below me seemed to be a little in slow motion through the most of it.

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything?            I understood more than any four year old I've ever encountered. I seemed to know everything and the way it ticked. I could feel all emotions around me. Even after, I knew a calm and information I have never seen in a child before.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?            No      

Describe anything that may have been important in a conscious decision to return to life:            He spoke to me about it. He wanted me to stay for fear of my own being, but I had faith and I think I pretty much convinced him in some way that my intentions were pure.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness suggesting that there is continued existence after earthly life (“life after death”)?            Yes     I was told. It was pretty much described to me.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness suggesting that there is no continued existence after earthly life (“no life after death”)?            No      

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that God or a supreme being really does exist?            Yes     It became clear that the man was speaking on his behalf. It became clear even in my spiritually uneducated mind that he is there. It was like I could feel in my head how he felt and what he was thinking. Like there were no hidden secrets. I could feel everything not just from the man. It was like God was inside me and in my own head. I knew even the stuff I wasn't saying was being heard and felt as well.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that God or a supreme being really does not exist?            No      

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness suggesting that some or all of us currently living our earthly lives did have some type of existence prior to our current earthly lives?
            Yes     He said 'it's time to come BACK.'.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness suggesting that some or all of us currently living our earthly lives did not have some type of existence prior to our current earthly lives?            No      

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness suggesting that there exists a mystical connection, oneness, or unity that connects some or all of us currently living our earthly lives with something else, such as other being(s) or other thing(s)?
            Yes     I felt it.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness suggesting that there does not exist a mystical connection, oneness, or unity that connects some or all of us currently living our earthly lives with something else, such as other being(s) or other thing(s)?            No      

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s meaning or purpose?            Yes     I was told it would get worse for me and everyone.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s difficulties, challenges, or hardships?            Yes     I was told it would get worse for me and everyone.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding love?            Yes     All he wants is for us to experience true, unaltered love. The devil could never provide it, thus if we strive for this love, we win. His love that I felt is something that everyone should strive to experience and share through their very being. Not through words, but something shown and lived by.

During your experience, did you encounter any other specific information / awareness that you have not shared in other questions that is relevant to living our earthly lives?            No      

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge or purpose?            Yes     I felt and heard what he was thinking even when his mouth wasn't moving. I could understand a love that I had never felt and may never feel until this stage of life ends for me.

What occurred during your experience included:            Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience                 Every child has an undeniable faith in a higher being. Other than that, I had no prior spiritual education.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience?            I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience                  NOW I do. I remember that night pretty well. But, other than that, as I said before, it's all snip-bits and vague recollections.

Discuss any changes that might have occurred in your life after your experience:   I just loved. I didn't do well in speaking. Everyone who I've spoken with who knew me a couple years after described me as an odd child. I was always by myself and didn't play with children very much. They said I was off in my own little world, didn't hardly seem to be 'there', and they thought it seemed like I was staring into empty space and sometimes seeing things that they didn't. I know for a fact that I NEVER wanted to hurt anyone whether they hurt me or not and strived to make God proud. I've always had a strange way of looking at things since then.

Did you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that occurred as a result of the experience?            Yes     I wanted nothing but to show love. Nothing else. I KNEW God.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?            Uncertain      People have a hard time sneaking up on me when I sleep. I also have dreams of things that seem to happen after. There were a couple times I'd say to myself "wouldn't be funny if ___________ happened right now.". Then it would happen. I have an unnerving feeling of déjà-vu numerous times a week. I'm aware of many things around me. I also pick up on people's feelings and read them at a strangely quick pace. I can tell when they're in the mood for specific things. What they want out of any given situation. If I think they may be on a wrong path I have a way with words to make them see things differently and lead them to respond better. I pick up on 'the mood in the air' very quickly in small groups.

Are there one or several parts of the experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you?  Everything. It explains a lot already and I feel if I could remember more it would explain even more!

Have you ever shared this experience with others?            No       I almost shared it with my sister. But, it didn't seem like she would handle it well.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?            No      

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:            Experience was definitely real    After I remembered it def seemed very real to me. It was just like I had remembered it my whole life.... only I didn't.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience at the current time:            Experience was probably real    What can I say. In everyday society it's weird. With my history of abuse and everything I'm worried that maybe I'm just imagining it and going crazy!

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?            Yes     I've always accepted that how people treat me in general doesn't matter so much as how I treat them. I will find the good in them and try to use it to build on and help them understand the negative in them and why they should work on it.

Have your religious beliefs/spiritual practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?            Yes     needless to say. I'm very spiritual. Well, now it is. never realized the importance till after the memory.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience?            No                  

Did the questions asked and information you provided so far accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?            Yes     You've covered it well. I didn't even realize it was THAT important to me, to actually go this long typing about it and be grilled so much lol

What could a national organization with an interest in near death experience (NDE) do that would be of interest to you?        Help me remember. I feel it's so important! And I want to make sure I'm not crazy, too! Oh, and keep it secret.