Michael O's Experience

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Experience description:   

The first experience:  When I was eleven (approx) I was at what is called in U.K. a lido an outside swimming pool.  I swam under water towards some friends they decided it would be fun to hold me under. By which time I was ready to come up for air. All I remember was a feeling of complete panic, which soon passed as I seemed to give in and let myself go.  The feeling was of warmth, safety and no feelings of being scared. It was as if I was being wrapped in a blanket of safety and nothing could hurt me.  I remember seeing lots of bright lights sparkling above me a one point; I guess this was the sun playing on the water. Then I was coughing and being sick with the water in my lungs.  There was a life guard (I think that's who it was) leaning over me.  Some older boys, I remember, hit one of the boys who had held me under.  The thoughts from what happened that day still pop up in my mind on very odd occasions.  Like now - and although I am writing quite a long explanation to you I am wondering why.

The second time I had a near death experience was a very sad and troubled time in my life. I had been an alcoholic for several years and had become dependant on drugs to substitute my need for alcohol; that is i used drugs when i was out of money to buy drink.  I had reached a time when I did not care for this life anymore, I was sick of feeling sick, sick of feeling scared of people and waking up in the morning. I used to hate having to fall asleep as I knew all the bad feelings would be there again when I woke up. So I guess in the end I had had enough and decided not to wake up any more.

I had sent a friend to get me some help from an AA member.  (Good he was out of the way for at least forty minutes)  I started to wash down all the tablets that I had stashed.  When I had finished them, I went outside.  I remember it was near Christmas time and very cold, but who cared?  I put my wrist on a low wall and smashed a sheer bottle and kept jabbing my inner wrist with the jagged edge then decided that it would best to eat the top, in case any one found me then they could not pump out my stomach and the tablets would stay where they were and do their work. I went down to the garden shed, sat in the corner on the floor and waited.

Then my mind must have wandered for all of a sudden I felt very warm and safe as if my whole body and mind was being made warm and all my fears and thoughts of tomorrow had gone.  I was safe.  I remember walking around this shed, which seemed to have gotten bigger and brighter.  In the corner was something or someone it was just a crumpled heap.  I went to touch something on a bench but could not seem to pick it up.

I then awoke in hospital.  A doctor was trying to get the glass from my mouth and throat.  I went blank and then I awoke in what was a hospital bed with sides.  I was strapped to the sides....i don't know if I had an out of body experience or if I actually died. 

Shrink at the time said he believe that I did not want to come back, this showed in the strength I seemed to gain when the police, doctors, and later the porters, tried to hold me down so they could attend to me.  I don't remember any of that though. All I know is that this was a troubled time in my life. I wanted to die (I really did) but someone wanted me to live. 

I never married.  I find relationships very hard to keep.  Women say I am to soft with them.  I feel a need to learn.  Maybe this is because I was not a great learner at school. So later in life, when you have been everywhere and done so many things, its time to slow down, but learn new things as this keeps the mind occupied. Why I have written all this I don't know.  Perhaps if someone is thinking of taking their own life, it may help them in some way to change there mind.  I believe life is short so don't make it shorter. I do believe that after death, there is another something but what, I don't know. I do know there is no pain. Just peace. I hope I have not gone on to much and bored you.

              Best wishes and good luck with this project.

                     From  contented Mike.

 Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience:  Yes

      Explanation:  The 1st experience there was no medications or substances involved - the 2nd I was dependant on drink, drugs (anything that could be taken orally) But both experiences were very similar.

Was the experience difficult to express in words?  No

At the time of the experience, was there an associated life threatening event?  Yes

      Describe:  On the 2nd.experience the drug overdose was life threatening also the fact that I had gouged my wrist and was loosing a lot of blood plus I tried to eat the top of the bottle (to stop anyone from the hospital etc from being able to pump out the contents of my stomach) seemed logical at the time - crazy now though.

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?  0

Was the experience dream like in any way?  In a way, that's a bit hard to explain. a dream that's real.

What emotions did you feel during the experience?  An over powering feeling of being warm and safe

Did you see a light?  Yes

      Describe:  Not a specific light, the darkness I was in became light

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?  Yes

      Describe:  It was a feeling of no time, that time was not important

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?  Uncertain

      Describe:  If I crossed a boundary, it would be safe because that's how I felt - Safe

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?  Yes

      Describe:  Yes, at the time or I should say for some time after.  I felt and did talk to friends about this.  I told them that I was saved from death as there was something I should do or would do in the future.  What that is I don't know

Has the experience affected your relationships?  Daily life?  Religious practices etc.?  Career choices?  I will pass on this question as my life now may be what it is due to the fact that twelve years ago i stopped all drinking and drug taking.

Have you shared this experience with others?  No response

      Describe:  Mostly people have smiled an i think don't believe. Others seem to have gotten excited and said they have seen ghosts???   They are not listening.  Perhaps that's why I am writing this now.   

What emotions did you experience following your experience?  Following the feelings of the experience I went back to feeling scared and planned on the next attempt to kill myself. That's another story. I am tired now and will finish shortly its been a very long day.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?  The worst was feeling cold the best was feeling warm and safe. it was and will always will be the best feeling that I have ever experienced in my life.

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?  Not at this moment.  I have gone back to feeling unsure why I have written this much.?

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?  Yes

      Describe:  Over time my life has changed in such a way that is hard to explain. I seem to prefer being alone. Well most of the time.  I also get very real and explicit dreams. probably got a good imagination.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?  No

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?  Yes

      Explain:  Yes, most of the questions are relevant, but I think its the persons words that will always count, even if the question is not there the writer will always fit the answer in somewhere.