Regardless of my strong intuitive guidance, living in complete opposite to the institutionally accepted beliefs and values is a life of constant struggle. It's much easier to accept the indoctrination and live within the system, then it is to stick to your moral compass. Because if you have to challenge the system, you are an individual fighting an army of sheep and authority-figure actors, so it's a constant battle just to survive. And being a human you are limited by the financial systems, where you have to act within them to maintain any stream of food or shelter. So you have to live on this planet integrated as a part of it, as a person that disagrees with every fundamental belief, including the most basic -- that each person should have the right to death at own volition. It's a life full of struggle and very little reward, if you could imagine.So by the time I was 16 I really wanted to die. I had enough of the torture and I just didn't see any hope for conditions to improve. At this point I had completely broken free from the catholic indoctrination for about 3 years, but there was still the doubt at the back of my mind that -- if I kill myself it may result in eternal damnation. So this idea kept me from going through with the suicide.

Then I had an experience that changed everything. The instant I "came-to" I wrote everything down to be sure I would never forget the details.

It was a Saturday morning where I could see the light coming through the window in my room, and I could hear my siblings were already awake watching TV in the living room below. I had what appeared as "sleep paralysis", my eyes were open but I couldn't move. It started to freak me out, so I wanted to scream for help, but couldn't. I wanted to bang on the floor, but I couldn't move my arms. I was panicking. But then my heart stopped beating, and I just knew "THIS IS IT!" When you're about to die, there is no doubt, you just intuitively know. It's like you're being called/summoned from the other side.

Next followed suffocation. With the heart and lungs no longer functioning, I could feel the oxygen completely cut off. Couldn't breath. At this point I remember from my religious indoctrination that "if you accept Jesus on your deathbed, you can still get into heaven." So at this point I'm like "YES, YES, JESUS, I'LL OPT-IN ON THAT!" Moments later everything around me turned into white light and I was traveling through a tunnel. I could feel myself being squeezed, almost as-if I was moving through a tight-straw. It was shown to me (I understood) that my body was heavy and dense, and that I would have to leave it behind. So this squeezing experience is one where only the "light" part of you gets sucked through.

Appearing on the other side, I find myself overlooking earth from space. Not sure if that's where I was; if anything, it's how I conceptualized the idea of heaven (being above earth, somewhere out there in space), so this concept was used to illustrate my position in the ethereal world. Most noticeably, I feel incredibly light and calm. All the burdens of the world got left behind with the body, and all that is left of me is the calm thinker. I feel I am in a place of incredible love and happiness. Being here feels so good, it energizes my soul just being present, after all those years of sadness and despair on the planet it's a huge difference.

A voice speaks to me. Not sure where it's coming from, somewhere off there in space I suppose. I recognize the voice instantly as my guide. The voice speaks with great wisdom, and I feel he has more insight than I do. As the voice speaks, it is not through sound, it is through thought-blocks. We are somehow connected, and as he sends the thought-block, I understand it in its entirety. It is an understanding that goes beyond words, includes everything like memories, emotions, and concepts. As soon as the voice speaks, I instantly recognize and understand everything that is being said.

Starts off by telling me that the voice (and others present) have been watching and are fully aware I want to kill myself. This thought-block unravels layer-by-layer instantly in a split second, just experiencing this communication through thought-blocks was remarkable in itself. But I see that they have been observing me living in great pain and anguish. They see I haven't had any happy in my life. And they also see I've been confused about suicide and "eternal damnation" and all the crap.

So they showered me with love, just a cloud of pure love, and it felt like my core self was bathing-away all the earthly nastiness in that love. And instantly I knew that there was absolutely no judgment. I knew that they fully understood the pain that was my life, and they loved me so much, they would never want me to be tortured. They showed me that -- yes, I'm allowed to kill myself; and when I do, I don't have to justify my actions, because they already understand. They showed me there would be no judgment, because there is only complete understanding. And with complete understanding of the person -- mind, emotions, memories -- there is nothing to explain.

Next, the voice asked me, "Do you want to go back?" It was perfectly clear that this decision was up to me, I wouldn't be forced to live if I didn't want to continue.

As that thought-block unraveled, I could see that I chose to be born in the first place. I remembered the memory I had before I was born -- I was looking down on planet earth from this ethereal place, and I actually had other ethereal friends too, and we joked about how the people on earth were so forgetful. I could see the people running around on earth, busy with their lives, but many of them living very sad unfulfilled lives. But they were so caught up with life, they forgot who they are at the core (ethereal beings too), as a result living without freedom. We laughed because the beings that got born in always said the same thing, "I will remember who I am, I won't let the world make me forget." But by the time they were about 10 years old, almost all of them were so heavily indoctrinated by the world, that by age 10 they had completely forgotten the truth. We laughed at how some gave up sooner than others. I don't know, you had to be there to get it. Playful teasing.

So as I was joking with my buddies, I felt ready to go back (in my previous life, I had died in a world war with a bullet to the head). I told them "I will go in there and I will remember who I am. And then I will remind others who have forgotten about the truth as well, so that they too can be free." But here I was, 16 years old, and the world had beat me down so much that this is where I found myself again.

So when the voice asked me, "Do you want to go back?", I instantly remembered this memory that I had before birth and of the intention I had set. And in that instant I felt that there was more I wanted to experience, I felt incomplete, and so I entertained the idea of going back. Not just to fulfill my mission, but at the time I was also a virgin, and I really didn't want to die before seeing what all the fuss was about.

I told the voice I would go back under two conditions. The first being that I would be allowed to remember our conversation. It was important for me to take this memory with me so that I wouldn't fall back into the confusion of the system. In that moment I remembered that in fact, I had several experiences like this one before, when I was younger -- at least 2 or 3 occurrences at different ages where I was pulled out of the body and consulted my guide. Each time I would be so excited at remembering of this place of pure love, saying "the moment I go back, I will tell all my friends and family, this is so exciting they just have to know!" But the moment I wake up, I would sense that urgency to tell them all of something important, but what? I would no longer remember. Each time I was sent back, they blocked the memory from being accessible. So this time I said I'm not up for it anymore. Either they allow me to keep the memory, or I'm not a willing participant.

The second condition was that I never wanted to work. The whole experience of working looked so dull and lifeless, I just told them straight, I'm not going to be doing that. And I'm tired of being poor, so you better get me some money.

So they agreed to my conditions (at least the first one, I don't know whatever happened to that second one). I woke up instantly after that, mind completely blown. I rushed to my computer and quickly wrote down all the details from our conversation. I still have the original file from my computer. That was 11 years ago.

After I finished writing down all the details, I walked downstairs to the living room. My sister was there watching TV and I told her, "You didn't hear me knocking on the floor or screaming?" And she didn't hear such a thing. So I told her, "Well, I just died in my sleep, heart stopped beating, and I was sucked through to the other realm where I met with my guide, and basically granted me permission to kill myself." As I told her the other details she was blown-away to say the least.

In the 11 years since then, I have looked through a lot of spiritual material to make sense of my experience. Up to that point the only exposure I had was to catholicism. I find that "Abraham Hicks" teachings are the closest representation of what is really going on "behind the curtain". I'm pretty sure that life is not "a test", it's also not a limbo where you are forced into life to have a "learning experience". We only come here to have some fun, because there are experiences you can have in the physical world that are not available in the ethereal world.

At the time of your experience was there an associated life-threatening event?   Uncertain   Had been seriously considering suicide for several months. I felt very little love or happiness in my life. I had been outcast by my group of friends at school so I was alone. I didn't feel that life was worth living, so I was considering suicide. But the residue beliefs from catholicism that suicide just MIGHT mean I end up in eternal damnation, I figured it would be better to live "just in case".

Was the experience difficult to express in words?....No....

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?....Normal consciousness and alertness    I was alert from the start, where I knew I was dying, to the end, where I was back in my body. I then rushed over to my computer and wrote down all the details of my experience, since they were completely fresh in my mind, and I was afraid of losing them.....

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.    The vision seemed normal. I saw a regular-white light, like any other white light, except that's all there was -- when I was being sucked out of my body through the tunnel, which was more like a straw squeezing out the heavy parts of my soul.  Then I was in space surrounded by stars and the earth below. And I sensed the presence of a wise voice somewhere in the distance, but I don't think I actually saw it in a body. However the voice's word were clear and telepathic, communicated through thought-blocks that were instantaneous.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.    Can't really say there was sound involved. Was more like hearing your own thoughts. But I could hear other voices speaking to me through thought-blocks. It was more of a "understanding" than a talk. With each thought-block, there was an eruption of awareness and "OH, I GET IT!"-moments.

Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during a time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body?    No  

What emotions did you feel during the experience?....Pure love, happiness, bliss. Felt like my spirit was recharging its battery. A cloud of love that was cleansing my spirit from all the yuckiness that it picked up on Earth. Complete understanding. When I was asked if I wanted to go back [to Earth], it was hard to say "yes", because this place was so blissful, and Earth was an experience full of pain and suffering. But the desire to complete my mission, and to experience sex for the first time, felt like, "it's OK... I can come back here in the future". Plus they allowed me to keep the memory of the experience, so I thought with this new knowledge, my experience would be much less resistant this time around.  

Did you pass into or through a tunnel?....Yes....Tunnel of white light. But most noticeable, I felt I was being squeezed. When I thought "what's going on [this kinda hurts]", I understood that I have to leave the body behind because it's too heavy for where I'm going. Years later when I stumbled-upon the "Abraham Hicks" teachings, they explain death feels like "taking off a shoe that you've been wearing for a long time, that was extremely tight and uncomfortable on your foot; and the minute you take it off, you just breath a sight of relief, because it feels so much better." And I instantly remembered that's what it was like going through the tunnel. It's like the body is really tight and compressing on the spirit, but once you go through the tunnel, it's just weightlessness, liberation from the stress and pressure, great feeling of relief.

Did you see an unearthly light?....No....The light was like any other, just a visual white light.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice?....I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin    A wise being that knew me intimately. Felt like I knew him from before. Felt older than me just because of his wisdom. Felt there was a group of "them" who had been watching my life, but only he was speaking with me at the moment. Said that they had been watching me and knew of my desire to commit suicide. Told me not to be afraid because "there is no hell, and we will not judge you for your actions, we completely understand if you want to kill yourself, because we do not want you to suffer." They surrounded me in a cloud of pure love to show me that they knew me intimately -- thoughts, emotions, perceptions, memories -- they knew all my memories of suffering and pain growing up, feeling unloved, and I could SEE that it really AFFECTED THEM, they didn't want me to be living in this sad reality. They cared about me immensely.

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings?....No   

Did you become aware of past events in your life during your experience?....Yes....I was shown my pre-birth intention and memory. I was shown a memory of having fun with my non-Earthly friends, as we observed the Earth experiences of people, before I was born.

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world?....No....

Did time seem to speed up or slow down?....Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning....Everything happened instantly. I felt like were were having a back-forth conversation, but it was all in thought-blocks, which transmitted huge amounts of information with them (emotions, perceptions, memories). But when I was having the experience, I was just basking in the bliss and love, and I wasn't concerned about time. But it did feel like I spent a good bit of time with them. It felt like they did give me time to consider my answer, when they asked me "do you want to go back?"

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything?....Everything about myself or others....I just felt more understanding about my own life and existence. And obviously I was no longer afraid about death, because they showed me the love that would be waiting for me in death. So now I remembered there is a life beyond earth, and that there wise beings who are watching me, and making sure I'm safe.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?....No....

Did you come to a border or point of no return?....No....

Did scenes from the future come to you?....No....

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge or purpose?....Yes....I feel I have to stick to my pre-birth mission, and carve out a life that will help people liberate from the confusion about "who we are".

Discuss any changes that might have occurred in your life after your experience:....Slight changes in my life....After the experience, I completely finished with catholicism. I was never afraid of death again. It's been hard to live my life, I contemplate suicide all the time. My life isn't very fulfilling, struggling with poverty. And I know that if I kill myself, I'll be in pure happiness again and not have to worry about any of these Earthly problems.....

Did you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that occurred as a result of the experience?    Yes     No longer fear death. No longer believe in hell. Now believe suicide is a right for anyone that wants to escape pain, suffering, or poverty.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience?....Uncertain     I've very sensitive. Sometimes I can pick up on what other people are thinking. I have a great understanding of complex structures and situations with little thought. I have a strong connection to my intuition, which is pretty accurate about experiences and people.

Have you ever shared this experience with others?   Yes   I shared it with my sister the day it happened, she was blown away. Shared it on a couple forums, and the people usually have a strong positive reaction.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?....No    

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:....Experience was definitely real    I felt it was an experience I had before, where I was taken out of my body to meet with my wise spirit guides. I was always so happy at the experience, and anxious to tell my family about it when I returned. But every time I would wake up, the memory would be blank (had been taken away from me), and I would only feel the urge to say something important, but I can't remember what it was. This happened to me at least 2 or 3 times when I was a young child, like 8 and 11 years old. So when this experience happened, I told my guides "the only way I will go back is if you let me keep the memory", and they agreed, and seconds later I was waking up from my bed with the full details still in my mind. So I knew this was something I had wanted for a long time and that I finally got it, the ability to tell my friends and family.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience at the current time:....Experience was definitely real....The feeling of that pure joy and love is something that I haven't matched on this planet in the 11 years since my experience. It's like a beacon that keeps calling me "home" (to the other side).

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?....Uncertain....Mainly I don't speak with people about religion anymore. I don't attend religious events. I don't hang around depressing/annoying/loud people. I don't put up with abuse from anyone, including a boss or authority figure, because I am a free being and I do not fear death anymore.

Have your religious beliefs/spiritual practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?....Yes    No longer catholic.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience?....Yes    I've had a couple lucid dreams where I had great awareness. I was conscious, with a body, and I could actually move around and do things. I would have complete discussions with other beings. In some "dreams", there was meetings where I knew there was people who had physical bodies on Earth, and others who no longer had physical bodies; and we were all gathering to meet and communicate.