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Marilyn A Prayer




I was experiencing deep depression and was carrying an indescribable pain for 2 years.  My chest for that time span felt as if it was incased in ice, I was ice cold all the time and only sleep brought relief.  The year I lost my appetite was the worse, I could not keep any food down with exception to a hard boiled egg and water.   My weight plummeted, menstrual cycles ceased and I felt like what must be the feeling of shutting down.  In my panic and fear, I went to my doctor who promptly and calmly sat me down in his office to tell me that if I could not get myself to eat, I would die and he wanted to hospitalize me.  I remember begging him to give me the week to try and he conceded.  I went home panic stricken, as I did not want to die but felt so helpless.  I was in bed a few nights after praying as I always have prior to sleep, my prayers to God are more like conversations and that particular night I was begging for the pain to be taken away, to help me as I could not do this alone. 

At that moment, I saw myself lifting a massive silver platter heaped with filthy rags and offering this heaping thing to God, begging Him to take it from me, at that very moment as I lifted my hands up in the air with my imaginary platter, my hands where yanked up, then I felt as if I was being sucked thru a straw, I visually saw myself fly thru the ceiling of my bedroom, then I saw my attic rafters filled with dust and cobwebs, past the roof of my house and into the cold darkness of night, I was being pulled higher up, into the stars far above the earth, yet I did not see the earth, but in this journey, I heard horrible wailing of voices, and howling winds almost like being in the center of a dark tornado it was tremendously massive and very loud.  As soon as I passed through this circulating funnel I was placed on a very massive sphere with the churning dark and very cold winds wailing around me. 

I felt sheer terror, agony and complete aloneness in this place, but it was quickly replaced by a light so brilliant so spectacular, that it truly defies description, this light was filled with an unspeakable joy with continuous waves of love but a love I have never experience then nor now in my physical body.  It was a light that had substance and a massive intelligence, an intelligence that I could feel it's measurement (if that makes any sense) this was an intelligence coupled with a love so Grand in size a universe could not contain it.  This light had a warm thickness to it and yet felt like fluid. It was all around me and went into all of me.  All the pain was completely gone, removed, destroyed.  I felt nothing but Intense joy, and ecstasy that was complete.  I was 'told' that I was loved beyond any measurement, and was also told that I needed to love 'Him' more than all others, I communicated my love and asked to stay, I was answered no.  I begged to stay, then the clouds around me and over me began to circulate in a counter clockwise position and was being lifted off the sphere into the oculus that was opening above my head. Through the oculus, I observed a radiant deep blue light with what I knew was a place I wanted to be desperately part of and begged to go through, but then this loving massive presence told me that I needed to go back as it was as yet not to be. 

I felt such deep deep sadness and longing with love as I did not want to leave this being but it commanded me to return with the last parting message to love as many people as I could but to love none greater than He.  From that moment of that last communication, I felt myself sucked downward similar to being on a life line On a mountain and then having that lifeline pull you off the mountain. 

I 'landed' on my bed and calmly opened my eyes.  It was morning. I laid still, still shaking from the experience.  My fingers and feet were tingling very strange (like nerve damage?). It subsided with time.  I stayed quiet in bed for a long while wondering what I had just been thru. They unearthly feelings of love and warmth was still very much in me and around me and as I came slowly back to my senses I was not feeling the ice cold In my chest, it was gone, the pain was gone, everything was gone except for the ravenous hunger that replaced and overtook me.  I carefully got up and again took inventory of myself, I initially did not trust what I had gone thru that night and was a little afraid it would all start up again (the pain and the cold).  It did not return.  I went downstairs and ate a full breakfast and continued to eat.  I felt remarkable and it took about a week for the unearthly feelings to dissipate, but that meeting, that experience changed my life forever.  I am not even a shadow of that old self.  The anorexia I had coupled with the deep depression is something that I can not explain disappearing just like that.  But it did disappear, I was taken and set straight and to this day I can close my eyes think about that love and it carries me thru every hurdle.  Another parting gift was that there is no fear of what lies beyond physical death.  Physical death is an unpleasant process, but once through...it is sublime, it is home.

At the time of your experience was there an associated life-threatening event?   Uncertain  Was struggling with loss of appetite for a year and by the time my doctor threatened me with hospitalization I weighed approx 90 pounds or a bit less.

Was the experience difficult to express in words?  Yes     How can you attempt explain in words what is so out of ones earthly or physical experience.  I am not sure how words in any language can attempt to capture the experience.  Nor how it could be measured.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?      As soon as the platter was taken from me.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness?      More consciousness and alertness than normal   Everyday normal alertness or senses seem to have a dullness to them for me going from task to task or from point A to B have 'blind spots'  Example you are driving from point A but have no idea how you arrived  Arrived to point B.   In the experience, my alertness was razor sharp, the sounds were amplified, the colors more vivid, light so intense and bright yet see into it.  The minute details of the clouds and their variations in color and undulations. I saw such details in the wood of my house rafters and webs, the cold air about me, the sensations of being amoung stars.  But yet sometimes and not often this higher level will hit me especially on a very still and clear day outside in those rare moments I feel the massiveness of 'His' presence, it is overwhelming.

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.   I have terrible eyesight, extremely near sighted.  In the experience everything was crystal clear.  My glasses cannot even be calibrated to 20/20 but in the experience I was clothless with nothing, yet I saw such minute details.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.   Hearing was clear yet I was communicated with but not sure by sound or by thought.  All I know is that 'I heard' everything.

Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during a time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body?   No  

What emotions did you feel during the experience?   Desperation, anguish, fear, loneliness, joy, love, sadness, exhilaration, ecstasy  

Did you pass into or through a tunnel?   Uncertain   The funnel felt like the center of a circulating tornado, not sure if that would be a tunnel.

Did you see an unearthly light?   Yes   It was massive and a bight gold white light

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice?   I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
The voice was calm and deep and sexless.

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)?   No  

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings?   No  

Did you become aware of past events in your life during your experience?   No  

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world?   A clearly mystical or unearthly realm

Once I was passed space I was placed on a massive sphere completely alone.

Did time seem to speed up or slow down?   No

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything?   Everything about myself or others
I understood myself and my relations to others and a balance between the two.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?   Yes
My desire was to go through the oculus and was yanked away.

Did you come to a border or point of no return?   I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will

Did scenes from the future come to you?  No 

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness suggesting that there either is (or is not) continued existence after earthly life (“life after death”)?   Yes   I knew past the oculus there was a new life there but this being clearly told me that my time was not as yet.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that God or a supreme being either does (or does not) exist?   Yes   The massiveness of the presence and the light that emitted from it.  It was coupled with a love and joy that I have never experienced in my human condition. The immediate healing.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that you either did (or did not) exist prior to this lifetime?   Yes   Love others, but not uncontrollably.  God comes before all others including your family.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that a mystical universal connection or unity/oneness either does (or does not) exist?   Uncertain   Not sure what is meant by unity.  I felt at home with this being.  I felt like I belonged to Him completely.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s meaning or purpose?   Yes   They are all there for a purpose, a test for learning. Each difficulty, challenge and or hardships are a culmination of decisions made, great or small.  A consequence for each act.  At times unforeseen or indirect hardships, difficulties and challenges I ask for guidance or just place trust in the process.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s difficulties, challenges, or hardships?   Yes   They are all there for a purpose, a test for learning. Each difficulty, challenge and or hardships are a culmination of decisions made, great or small.  A consequence for each act.  At times unforeseen or indirect hardships, difficulties and challenges I ask for guidance or just place trust in the process.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding love?   Yes   Love was the main communication in this experience.

During your experience, did you encounter any other specific information / awareness that you have not shared in other questions that is relevant to living our earthly lives?   Yes   Love seems to be the hammer here and loving appropriately.

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge or purpose?   Yes   Express Love to as many people as I can along my way

What occurred during your experience included:   Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience   I did not see Jesus or angels.  I only saw what I perceived as a supreme being or 'God' as light.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience?   I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of th   I rember this experience more than any other during that time period.  The memories of that time are with me yet dull when it comes to the vivid detail of this experience.  There is not one memory of that time that I can recount detail by detail, but with this experience I can without any effort.

Discuss any changes that might have occurred in your life after your experience:   Life improved with relationships, I became more grounded, peaceful and trusting in being led by God.  I stopped trying to force my agendas and was generally more calm.  I was more thankful in the smallest of things. Noticed the beauty of the natural world, became very sensitive to it felt more part of it and participated less in the materialistic.  Enjoyed solitude, became empathic.

My experience directly resulted in:   Large changes in my life

Did you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that occurred as a result of the experience?  
Yes   Became less materialistic

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience?   Yes   Yes, but they are not frequent.  I have dreams or premonitions. Dreamed of beings flying thru the sky and then seeing 2 towers collapsing a year before 9/11.  Sometimes I feel a very strange overal discomfort in my solar plexus area a knowing of sorts such as telling my husband to slow down, ' feel a deer' then a massive buck flew out in front of us from heavily wooded area.  I did not see him, but did feel hm.   Or feeling a very old friend visit me in my mind.  I think of them for no reason and it's followed by a warm feeling.  This could be someone I have not seen or spoken to in 30-40 years, I then try to look them up and discover in my search that they have died. These experiences are few and far between but they have happened and very real.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you?    
The love that was communicated to me.  The most beautiful experience ever.

Have you ever shared this experience with others?  
Yes  First was to a priest who was very close to my heart.  I went to him 2 days after the experience. He was overwhelmed and wept with me.  I felt unworthy of the experience and he proceeded to tell me that unworthiness had nothing to do with it.  After him I told no one of the experience until just recently to only a few in where I felt they needed to hear my experience.  Each responded by crying, but then followed up by comfort.  I would only hope that they were given a little peace and comfort in knowing there is something much bigger and smarter than all of us all around us.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?   No  

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:   Experience was definitely real   I was healed from the anorexia and depression.  A dream in my experience never healed a sickness or change my life so significantly.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience at the current time:   Experience was definitely real   I felt physical sensation more acutely during the experience, I saw and heard crystal clear.  I saw colors that I haven never seen on earth.  I heard a voice that was sexless...I can not even attempt to explain that one.

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?   Yes   I place little expectations on most people.  I just treat as many as I come across with loving kindness.  I am less judgmental with my relationships.

Have your religious beliefs/spiritual practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?   Yes   I am less focused on organized religions and more centered on God.  I do attend services but not all the time and keep God in the forefront of my mind daily.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience?   No     

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?   Yes   I wish I could show a mental image.  Words could never be enough.