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Lianne J's Experience

Experience description:   

I became frightened by my strange thoughts, and went to the emergency room.  I frantically explained my dangerous circumstances to the medical staff. It was difficult to think and speak clearly enough to advocate for the hospital admission I needed, though. 

Instead I was referred to a crisis intervention facility, where I stayed for a period of days.  I laid for hours on end in a crisis bed, experiencing varying levels of altered consciousness.  I spent more time drifting outside of my body than being connected with it. 

I was also very malnurished, dehydrated, and severely sleep deprived, since I had been unable to care for myself in the preceeding weeks. As such, I became dizzy one morning and fell to the floor in the kitchen. 

I felt a very strange and disturbing pulling sensation in my chest, as if my spirit were being taken from my body by a very powerful force, like an enormous vaccuum.  I was able to pull it back---I knew somehow that this separation was not meant to happen.  Over a period of about a week I had similar experiences. 

I learned that making a very determined effort to connect with the sounds, sights, smells, and especially the tactile senstations around me helped me to stay in my body.  But this was exhausting work. 

I noticed that when I let go---when I stopped fighting the pull, I began to see a beautiful light which communicated messages of peace to me.  I lost track of time and became very disoriented, but much of the time I felt totally content. 

There were, however, a few incidents which jolted me out of this odd state of mind.  Sometimes the pulling felt so strange and even frightening that I knew I must fight it, although I wasn't sure why.  As the struggle became too difficult, I finally sought admission to a hospital. 

When I arrived, I was uncertain as to whether I was dead or alive.  I remember sobbing, and saying, "Oh, my God!---is it too late?  Have I killed myself?" 

The reassurances of my safety did not provide much comfort, as the struggle to keep my spirit connected to the earthly body was not over. 

One evening as I lay in my hospital bed, drifting, still, in and out of my body, and re-entering it with a frightening jolt each time, I thought to myself that it would be so much easier to let go.  It seemed that the only thing prolonging my mental and very physical pain was struggling to keep this spirit in a body from which it wanted to be freed. 

I let myself separate once more, and I had a sense of something similar to a tunnel, though that does not describe this passageway adequately.  At the end of this passageway, I saw a golden being which had no shape I can descibe.  

I was aware immediately that this being was communicating with me, although it made no sound.  It spoke to me in it's own way through a language I would understand.  It moved in a beautiful way---kind of pulsating, and folding in and out upon itself.  Somehow the movements and the energy of it made messages I could understand.  At the same time, all that it said to me could not possibly be "translated" to communication my being could understand.   

I pleaded before this beautiful being, which I believe may have been an angel---that I had made a terrible mistake. (I believe that although I had made no physical suicide attempt, I had committed a spiritual suicide, by despairing of life.) 

The being responded to me, and the closest I can come to transcibing its message is by using the words, "Would you go back?  Would you try again?" 

And I said, "Oh, yes, yes, please! I will try again." 

And the being said, "Would you try again if you understood that all you think you know is in fact different from your understanding?" 

And I said, again, "Yes! Yes---please give me another chance." 

At some point, I think following that exchange, I saw a curtain, or more of a film, of a cottony guaze kind of material.  My sense (though my memory is unclear) is that this curtain was lifted for a moment, and that the being allowed me to see some of the understanding it spoke of. 

I have a sense of this marvelous revelation I had when I saw this wonderful truth beyond that curtain. 

I distinctly remember the being reminding me that I would have no memory of what I had seen there when I returned to my body.  It is critical to our learning, though in this crisis the vision was necessary, that we carry on our lives without the knowledge of what lies ahead. 

So, I do not even know what I saw.  I know that I was given another chance, and I know that there is something so beautiful and hopeful beyond what I am able to experience here on earth that I must not respond to the pain of this life by seeking to escape it.

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes     There was no way for me to retain an adequate concept of the wonder I experienced.  I only have a sense of it now.  What I do remember cannot be spoken of in the words and language we use here. 

I do remember being forewarned that this would occur---that if I were to remember all that I experienced, the plan for my life would be affected.

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          Yes     I had suffered for many years with a depression that did not respond to medical intervention.  In fact, up until the time of this incident, (and many years afterwards, I had felt severely depressed, and often suicidal).  On this ocasion, I had reached a point of absolute despair following a devastating betrayal by a person who had claimed to be a "spiritual healer."  I felt such emotional agony that I drifted away from my body to escape the pain.  I looked down upon my body, and thought, "I must do something to take care of that body; I can't just leave it here when I go."  I realized later that I was very close to suicide.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?    It seems to me that when the being showed me the truth behind the white curtain I was in a high level of awareness.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal every day consciousness and alertness?    More consciousness and alertness than normal

If your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience was different from your normal every day consciousness and alertness, please explain:            I could understand energy vibrations and light patterns as if they were the most perfect language.

Did your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect, such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)?  No      

Did your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness, etc.)?
            Yes     I just "understood" words and language and meaning, etc. without needing sensory imput as I experience it normally.

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Yes

What emotions did you feel during the experience?            I felt the worst regret I have ever felt, because I realized I had given up on my life without even knowing the beautiful truth the being showed me.  I felt sad, I felt very frightened at moments too. 

I also felt incredible peace and happiness when the truth was revealed to me.

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?          Yes     It was a kind of enclosure; I experienced it, but I can't really say I passed through it.

Did you see a light?           Yes     Beautiful, golden, pulsating light

Did you meet or see any other beings?           Yes     Yes.  The being described in the account above. I do not know who this was.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Yes     I was disoriented as to time during the couple of weeks during which I had the out of body experiences

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?     Yes     I know that I was given this kind of special knowledge. I was told, though, that upon returning I would have no memory of it.

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes     Approximately a year later I shared this with a friend who discussed the spiritual implications of it.

I also shared with someone whose spouse had nearly died of a heart attack who described exactly the same process of feeling his spirit pulled away from his body.  This seemed to frighten the person I told.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?    Yes     I had read some texts on the subject in a Thanatos course.

How did you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:            Experience was definitely real    It was the most profound thing that has ever happened to me.  There was never any doubt that it was real.  If anything it made me question the "reality" of the experience of everyday life.

Were there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful or significant to you?            Even though it seems strange to say so, I think the most significant part of the experience was the part which was blocked from my consciousness upon my return.  I do still have a sense of that knowledge, and even that awareness that it is there somewhere, though not presently accessible is very important to me.

How do you currently view the reality of your experience:            Experience was definitely real            Even after a long time, I've never forgotten it, and in fact it often pops up in my memory during a really conflicted or difficult time.

Did the questions asked and information you provided so far accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?         Yes