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Kristen W's Experience

Experience description:   

I was experiencing a deep spiritual crisis at the time.  We had a new baby in the family, I was in love for the first time, and I had been newly confirmed in the Catholic Church.  For about two weeks I went to bed at night in prayer, crying for confirmation that God and the afterlife did indeed exist; that all the love I was experiencing at the time did not end with the death of the body.  Having been raised a traditional, pragmatic Catholic, my concept of God was a judgmental old man up above the earth who was monitoring our worthiness to gain access to heaven.  My understanding was that He was a separate entity from myself and creation but controlled everything. 

About two weeks into my crisis, in a dream I was drawn out of my body.  I was led into a room where my maternal great grandmother greeted me.  She died several months after I was born, however, I always felt her presence throughout my life.  There were aspects of our encounter that I described to my own mother, that validated that it was indeed her. 

I visited with her for a moment, telling her about my life.  Then an extremely bright light came into the room and drew my soul closer to it.  I knew that I was being drawn into the presence of the Creator who I recognized as God the Father.  I could not see His "body" as He was bathed in incredibly bright light that did not hurt my eyes to look at.  I was drawn as closer to what I understood was a threshold.  Upon meeting the threshold the Father spoke firmly to me in thought "Understand that you have to go back." I consented.

I was immediately drawn into the fullness of His Presence.  It was immediate and shocking ecstasy of my soul as I was swept into communion with Him.  I felt as if my being would be completely annihilated.  He allowed me to experience this for a moment, then turned me away showing me all of creation.  My soul seemed to expand into timelessness and infinity and I became one with everything in heaven and earth and the universe.  I knew that anything I ever needed to know was stored within the infinite and that all I had to do was ask.  I knew that whatever I desired to know or have would become available to me upon focusing my thoughts toward it. 

I also experienced a profound, Holy Silence and stillness that permeates all of Creation.  The Creator allowed me to bask in the experience just for a moment then asked in thought "Do you understand."  I humbly responded and nodded "yes, I understand."  After a brief moment, I then realized why I had to promise in advance to return.  It was not my time to leave my earthly life.  There was a job I had to do.  However, I did not want to go back, but I obeyed and relinquished to His will. 

I returned to my grandmother where we embraced for a short time, then my dream became more dreamlike, illogical and convoluted. 

I woke up the next morning with so many mixed emotions and very confused.  I did not know who I could share this experience with.  The few people in my family I tried to dismissed me.  I knew I could never go to a priest.

At the time of your experience was there an associated life-threatening event?   No 

Was the experience difficult to express in words?  Yes     We do not have the language to express it fully.  We can only use words in comparison.  In further studies into meditation and mysticism, however, I acquired more adequate vocabulary to express some of my experience.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?    Upon being drawn into Oneness.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness?      More consciousness and alertness than normal   I instantly understood the nature of creation, it's purpose, timelessness, infinity.  I had no real concept of these prior.

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.
   Expansive, infinite to say the least.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.
   Communication through thought.  Otherwise, I came to understand Holy Silence that permeates everything in infinity and matter.  Holy Silence that is at the same time like a Holy song.

Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during a time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body?   Yes   I was shown earth and life here on this plane and how holiness, Love and energy permeate continually throughout the physical, but not in an eventful manner -it was suspended in timelessness and the infinite.

What emotions did you feel during the experience?   Ecstasy, humility, the totality of Love, joy, surrender.  

Did you pass into or through a tunnel?   No  

Did you see an unearthly light?   Yes   I was drawn into intense light that contained what I recognized as the Creator God.  It did not hurt my eyes.  I understood that this light permeated throughout everything and everyone and was the source of all life and creation.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice?   I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
Described as above.  At the core of the radiance was the Creator whose face I was not permitted to see.  I understood that if I was to see His face, I would not be permitted to return.

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)?   No  

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings?   Yes   I encountered life itself.

Did you become aware of past events in your life during your experience?   No  

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world?   A clearly mystical or unearthly realm
It was eternity and infinite encompassing "heaven" and "earth" but they are all encompassed within the All.

Did time seem to speed up or slow down?   Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
exactly that.

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything?   Everything about the universe
I described it in the account above.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?   No

Did you come to a border or point of no return?   I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was "sent back" against my will
I came to a threshold that I sensed but did not see in definite.  I was told to promise to return if I should be allowed to cross.  I don't think I was brought into the holiest place as that would have prevented me from returning.  I was given only what I needed to know at that moment.

Did scenes from the future come to you?  No 

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness suggesting that there either is (or is not) continued existence after earthly life (“life after death”)?   Yes   I described it in the account of my encounter.  It was seamless existence.  No beginning or end to our individual lives, but a return to communion or Oneness.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that God or a supreme being either does (or does not) exist?   Yes   I encountered a being I recognized as God the Father, who I understood to be the Creator bathed in the light energy that is the Source of all Creation.  I understood the source to actually be LOVE and that Love is alive - not just an emotion.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that you either did (or did not) exist prior to this lifetime?   Yes   Most of what I came to understand was beyond anything I had been taught or could possibly conceptualize without direct revelation.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that a mystical universal connection or unity/oneness either does (or does not) exist?   Yes   I have described it in detail above.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s meaning or purpose?   Uncertain   I was made to understand that every hardship is part of our plan and spiritual growth to help us to become perfect.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s difficulties, challenges, or hardships?   Yes   I was made to understand that every hardship is part of our plan and spiritual growth to help us to become perfect.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding love?   Yes   God is Love, Love is alive, Love is the creator force and permeates everything at all times.  Love rejoices with us, mourns with us and knows us at every moment, very personally and intimately.

During your experience, did you encounter any other specific information / awareness that you have not shared in other questions that is relevant to living our earthly lives?   No  

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge or purpose?   Yes   The special knowledge was that there is a plan and a purpose, but I was not permitted to know my own or the soul path and soul group that is my learning school.

What occurred during your experience included:   Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience   Only consistency was there is a Creator God, who I experienced as Father.  Inconsistency was my understanding of communal existence with Him and life and matter on earth.  I was taught that I was separate and apart - unworthy and beneath God but above earthly life and matter.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience?   I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience   It is more real and true than everyday consciousness on this plane of existence.

Discuss any changes that might have occurred in your life after your experience:   In integrating back into this earth school, there is an amount of forgetfulness and regression back to unconscious behavior.  Any fear that remains is more fear of pain of loss of physical body or losing loved ones.  Fear in living is only in fear of being hurt because of others' unconscious behavior and any self destructive behavior on my part.

My experience directly resulted in:   Large changes in my life

Did you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that occurred as a result of the experience?  
Yes   I've described them in detail prior.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience?   No   I was always intuitive and sensitive to the presence of spirit and souls of the departed.  I only now know that what I suspected before is now validated.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you?    
Love and Oneness.

Have you ever shared this experience with others?  
Yes  Infrequently and mixed depending on each person's spiritual background.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?   No  

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:   Experience was definitely real   It was more real than life, but I knew others who have not experienced it could not understand it and probably would reject if I tried to make them understand.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience at the current time:   Experience was definitely real  

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?   Yes   I felt very alienated from my family, friends and church as I knew they couldn't understand and the few that I shared with immediately would reject my account as imaginary and/or heresy.

Have your religious beliefs/spiritual practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?   Yes   I began to pursue meditative traditions that emphasized the interior journey and mysticism.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience?   No   Sadly.

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience?   I've been trying all my life to get close to that experience again but have not been able to come close through meditation.  I lost a great deal of motivation afterwards as I was too young and immature to know how to process and integrate what I learned.  I fell into a dark night of the soul afterwards that lasted about 20 years.  I became self destructive.  But this I came to understand later is a necessary process for all prior to becoming enlightened in this plane of existence.  Now that I'm older I am wiser and know how to deal with it and to teach others going through the pain of awakening.

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?   Yes