Jonathan F's Experience

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Experience description:   

Was 20 years old, mother was very ill, father busy seemingly doing nothing about it. Got most of my solace and parenting from my grandparents during this time. Had just lost a girl which I felt a very close connection to; we had been best friends for the better part of three years and had just started to become romantically involved. She became pregnant by her former long-time boyfriend and felt she owed him the chance to be a father. So I let her go. Likewise I had always felt very disconnected from the majority of people I had met. Often I though this was my problem so tried to associate on their level but usually felt more uncomfortable for having done so. On many subjects it always seemed like I was an adult trying to explain quantum physics to a child, if this makes sense.

Nevertheless, I was despondent that no one could or would realize how deeply affected I was at giving up this kindred soul.  So I decided to join souls I knew would understand me. I went up to the cliff overlooking large, deep lake, and began drinking and thinking. Finally I decided to go ahead an take the plunge, car and all, into the lake. Before I did I prayed, I said something like, "God I would love to join you.  At this time I give my will to you, if it is your will to have me with you then so be it, if not please show me the way."

It seemed almost at the end of these words I opened my eyes and was enveloped in the most intense light I had ever known. I had the feeling that I was no longer where I had been, I could see nothing but this light, I have no recollection of seeing my body or anything else but this light. With the light though came a feeling of love, peace and understanding I had never know at any other time in my short life. I have no idea how long this lasted, if I remember right it was three or four minutes real time, but it seemed to last for hours and hours. Nothing was said to me I did not hear voices, nor did I see any beings, people or otherwise, just the light and the overwhelming feeling of peace and love.

When I 'came to' as it were I felt totally euphoric and to my utter amazement was totally sober, there wasn't even the smell of beer on my breath; this and the overwhelming urge I had had to drink over the past few years was gone. I felt totally at peace and knew I had to start dealing with the issues that were so close to my heart at the time. Yet in this feeling was an incredible sense of loss and separation, like a profound homesickness; funnily enough a feeling I had had many times during my life except that now I had a place to associate the feeling with.

Many people I have told, including my mother( who is a devout, almost fundamental in her beliefs) attribute the entire thing to the beer. This often makes me sad, akin to the adult trying to explain a difficult concept to an unreceptive teenager. Yes that is the feeling I have had both before and after the experience in talking with a lot of people. Like tying to talk to a teenager, trying to give them insight from the point of view of experience and past mistakes.

   Anyway that is my story chalk it up to the beer if you want, but I know what came out of the experience and despite the knowledge of where I am from and the sadness and longing in not being there I would not change it for the world.

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?     Yes, Lots of alcohol involved, had been drinking for several hours.

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes

Feeling of not being here, while still being here. Also the residual joy and pain after the experience. I still feel both when I think about the experience. The joy that was there and the pain in not being there.

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          Uncertain

Wanted to end this life not so much to get away from pain here, but to join those who would understand me.

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?           During the experience there was no feeling of 'consciousness' just a feeling of being, pure and simple. I just was. I know that sounds strange, but that was the feeling.

            Was the experience dream like in any way?   Yes and no. One second I was 'here; and the next second I was in this light. When I  'came to' there was no dream like sensation, more like a memory of a vacation or something, that is the best way I can describe it.

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Uncertain

As stated I did not feel like I was here, or there necessarily. I just was that is it. I just was.

What emotions did you feel during the experience?            Love, joy, peace, belonging, conetedness, understanding, being.

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?           I heard everything and nothing all at once.

LOCATION DESCRIPTION:  Did you recognize any familiar locations or any locations from familiar religious teachings or encounter any locations inhabited by incredible or amazing creatures?            Uncertain

I don't know if what I saw was Heaven. I don't want to sound vain glorious or overblow the situation, but I have always felt I was in the presence of God. I suppose much like what is described by the angles as being in the presence of God. I have told this to others and they have dismissed me out of hand, but that is what is was it was like. Just being enveloped in everything all at once.

Did you see a light?           Yes

That is all I saw, and I remember this vividly I could see light all around me, but I didn't have to turn my head or look around I could see light from every corner, in front, above, below, on all sides, behind me all at once. Also I could feel the light, not like you would feel visible light with heat associated, but flowing through me, around me, in me.

Did you meet or see any other beings?           No

Did you experiment while out of the body or in another, altered state? No

I was totally happy where I was

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          No

Did you notice how your 5 senses were working, and if so, how were they different?          Yes

As I stated I just was, all my senses were working as a single unit to focus on the light, and everything came from this light. I could see, hear, smell, feel, and I suppose taste at this time, but all at once, everything, I guess this is from just being.  I just was!

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Uncertain

As I stated I felt like I was there for a long time, but only after I 'came to'. I suppose while I was 'there' time lost all meaning to me then. Nothing but this light was important, but at the same time I somehow knew I couldn't stay.

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?    Uncertain

People have always opened up to me, even though they have just met me. It used to annoy me especially when I was young, I just wanted to be a kid you know. People still do the same thing, but not as often, it seems people come to me with more selective questions and problems. I don't understand what exactly has changed?

   Coming out of the place I was left with the feeling of the loss of faith, I didn't need it anymore and I knew, stronger than ever. Even when I was young, that I was here to do something spectacular. Though I still don't know what that is, so I try to live like everything I do will be spectacular to somebody.

   I also knew other things when I 'came to' but I have no idea how to put them into words. I can tell when I meet someone, however, generally within a few minutes talking how much they know and where they are on their journey, unfortunately the majority of people I meet and have met I see as very immature, even though most of them are religious/spiritual. Again I do not mean to sound demeaning in any way. Funny though the few people I have met who could be considered equals in this measure, we generally talk about everything but this subject. It is like we know so why bother, let us learn about other aspects of who we are.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?             No

Didn't travel anywhere, was everywhere.

Did you become aware of future events?       No

Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body?       Yes

As stated knew I couldn't stay where I 'was' but was filled with a profound sense of sadness and loss at the prospect of having to leave. Looking back much like leaving the home of a very beloved relative not knowing how long it would be before you would get to return, but this is a very simplistic explanation.

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?         Uncertain

At times I can feel waves of energy pass though me. Hard to explain certain places, people, and situations cause this. Generally it is a benign feeling, sometimes this has emotional connotations associated with these. Sometimes, especially when I am alone and outside I feel as if there is a crowd around me.

Another thing, that happened while I was typing below is a sense of De javu, but more so. It is not the feeling that I have been there before, but more like either a part of me is catching up to the now or visa versa. At that time though I know that everything I have been dealing with at the time will be ok and will work out somehow and I will come out ok.

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?   Yes

Yes one didn't need faith in God anymore, don't need to believe in what you know. Came to see that my path was not 'the' path. Came to know that hell is not God turning his back on us but us turning away from him. Realized what we as humans are doing here on earth, and how we use what we learn, only began to confirm this later. Used to pray a lot especially just after, came to realize that everything I do is prayer if I do it with the love I felt in that time in mind. There are may other things I knew when I came out of the light, but they are hard to convey into words.

How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices?       Surprisingly not long after this event I met the woman I would marry. I knew immediately that I knew this woman. I could 'see' her soul if you will. She had had a very hard life, but all I could see was the person she was to become. We were meant to be together and wonder sometime if we are not twin flames, something I just recently learned about. I love her and her three children very very much, but I feel like I have known her for along time and will continue to know her forever.

    In my daily life the only thing that has really changed is that I am patient now when it comes to this world. I still don't know why I am here but I know what I am here, so I go with it.

    In my religious practice I do not go to church anymore, because it is uncomfortable, physically, uncomfortable to be around people who are searching for knowledge which I seem to know. I don't know how to explain it I do not feel uncomfortable with the individuals, I guess the closest I can come to it is asking a college graduate to repeat the 6th grade.

    Career wise I have no idea, I thought about going into the ministry, but knew from talking to other religious leaders that the church would not be happy with what I had to say. Now I would love to do something where I can help people along their paths, but I have a family to support, wife, kids, mom, dad. So I guess I find something to do and continue with the other catch as catch can.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?         Uncertain

I am not certain, I suppose so, because I know now that while everything here matters, in the end nothing matters. This is a hard concept for me to explain. Everything we do here and now is the most important thing you can ever do, but on the whole it is all insignificant. Many people who believe the latter also believe that nothing they do matters, but I know without a doubt that every moment we are here in this place, every moment is our eternity and that everything holds the utmost importance, but once we leave the here and now none of what went on in our eternity really matters, even though it is still the most important thing we can do.    ???????

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes

Many, especially family, have dismissed the whole experience as something to do with the beer, or not as significant as I make it seem. This used to bother me in the beginning, because I wanted to tell everybody, it was so incredible. Mostly it was the most religious of the family that scoffed at me or downplayed it. Some said it was God trying to tell me to get right and take Jesus Christ into my life. Therefore I rarely discuss this with anyone unless I feel they are ready and able to hear it.

What emotions did you experience following your experience?  Great elation and profound sadness. Elation in that the residual of the feelings have stayed with me, sadness in so far as the feelings are on such a miniscule scale comparatively.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?      Just being, the love the peace the wholeness, these were the best part of the experience. Loss and sadness at being taken away from that, that was and is the worst part.

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?        After all this and some time for reflection, I have to come to realize that, right now, I have a fear of dying, not death mind you, but dying. I am sure this will change as I grow tried of this life, but right now I fear leaving this body, even though I have seen what is out there. The reason I feel this is there are things I will miss when I leave here, which I know won't matter, but know for me here and now they do.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?               Uncertain

I suppose, as much as it could.