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John M's Experience

Experience description:   


Traveled to NY, NY with wife and daughter. Got upper respiratory infection with low fever. Refused medical treatment to save family money due to bankruptcy the year before. Was taking classes to "weed out" nursing school applicants.

Presented to an immediate care clinic with an x-ray machine. Diagnosed with upper respiratory infection, dehydration and fever. Results of x-ray was "white out in all five lobes". Went home, hydrated and went to bed.

Next morning, presented to my endocrinologist appointment already pre-scheduled. Upon review of my x-ray, was directly admitted to hospital. Instead, went home to have a big breakfast, strong coffee and a hot shower...then, I went to the hospital.

Presented to ER with temp of 104 and oxygen saturation of 65. Lost consciousness in ER. Was intubated (rather than trached as I was still occasionally singing opera) and admitted with ARDS diagnosis.

Was in a coma for 14 days and hospitalized for 29. Discharged to home with PICC line running Mirim.

On the second day off of the ventilator, I was moved to a step-down unit which was still a monitored floor. Although weak, I was happy as my earlier acts of surrender became victories: independent breathing, kidney function, feeding,

communication, and bathing. Even my humanity returned as others had spoken over my body as though I did not exist. Yes, I was a medical curiosity; there was no clinical trigger for my illness. But I was still a person.

I was a stone skipping across the surface of consciousness. I had episodes of consciousness that made no sense. I was seeing people I had not seen in months or years. They all had grim expressions on their faces. It eventually dawned on me that I must be truly...seriously ill.

I realized the scope of my fame as the parade of various physicians, specialists, technicians and nurses poked and prodded me. Just as my clinical illness trigger was unknown, so to the reason for my equally dramatic turn around. But, something happened just after being removed from the respirator.

I think it was the second night out of ICU and I couldn't get to sleep. Noise on the floor  was too much for me. My nurse gave me diphenhydramine to help me sleep. I closed my eyes, tried  several mental techniques and around 2 AM, I was able to get to sleep. As I drifted off, some of the thoughts I had in my head were these:

- This is as close to Death's door as I can get without tripping, skidding or stumbling over the thresh hold.

 - Between Reiki and Silva Method, I thought I had a good team on the other  side.  Why hadn't I seen them?

 - As I counted holes in the ceiling tiles, I thought I should have had a NDE.

So, I did.

I was in a void of blackness where my consciousness was no longer tethered to my body. Having experimented several times with astral projection, I knew the sensation of movement¦of flying without any wind or friction. This was different. In this void, there was only my consciousness. Exercising understatement, I thought to myself, ˜This is interesting.'

A speck of light appeared in front of me. I could not discern if it was small and inches from my brow or a star millions of miles away. What I did know was that it was a fellow consciousness in this space. My thought was, ˜I wonder what that is?' and the accompanying intention was I wanted to be closer to it to know what it was.

And it was immediately so.

I was now enveloped in this whiteness. No words can convey my complete satisfaction in this place. No hunger, no pain, no weakness, no petty human crap like back pain, an itchy foot or body odor. The gross, leaky, meat sack we have to wear to be human was a memory falling into the distance. This was... bliss.

˜Who are you?' I thought.

˜I'm everything.' I heard in my mind.

Although the words sounded like my own voice in my head, it was the carrier wave of emotional content that washed over me that was most surprising. It was infinite intelligence with love, joy, happiness and, of all things, a bit of mischief. Years later, as I stammered out an explanation to a colleague of mine, I would compare this experience to meeting God and discovering that God was George Carlin.  In reality, George Carlin was still alive. But in this place, there was absolute unconditional love...absolute omnipotence...and a sense of humor matching Donald Trump's ego. For the first time in this life time, I felt loved and appreciated. I was home.

At this point, I was no longer forming words but expressing myself with mental intention. Frankly, words are just too damn cumbersome. Intentions with a bit of  emotion were my words and punctuation now. At this point, I asked what is it  you want me to know?

A thin silver cord of energy or plasma appeared between us. If I thought the carrier wave was intense, the direct connection to Source, without any of the dissonance created by my human-ness, was gloriously overwhelming. I now had context for the word "rapture". I am coming up on my ninth year anniversary and it still brings me to tears. Every negative emotion, trauma, experience or detriment you have ever been weighted down by is lifted as easily as taking off a hat that no longer fits. The reconnection with Source awakens the sleepwalking soul and any memory of ANY diminishment falls away effortlessly.

Time passed. Actually, time does not exist there. It would be more accurate to say I went from a state of receiving information and becoming comfortable with it to a state when I was ready and willing to receive more. There was much more!

We were in a field of blackness again when I became aware of a snowflake. It was a crystalline or energetic structure that was finite but quite ornate. I noticed that our energetic thread was also a part of the snowflake structure. It hummed and pulsated as energy flowed throughout all of its intricate joints and angles. In its three dimensional shape, it reminded me of some of the fractal artwork that has always fascinated me. It has patterns that repeat, patterns that overlap, patterns that are identical except in ratio. I thought of the spiral created by the Fibonacci  sequence as well as a richly performed  orchestral piece of music. Rapturous!

I then had the awareness that the other points of light within the structure were the consciousness of my family members. I immediately had emotional access to all of them. In fact, that was how I recognized them...by their vibrational frequency.  What seems interesting now that I am back, but felt obvious while I was there, was that death was meaningless. Family members who had passed away had a vibrational intensity that was just as strong as those who were still alive back on Earth.

Another curious memory is that I did not sense a slowing of the data rate as I was exploring my family member's emotions. I actually felt joy akin to a puppy who darts back and forth when a family comes home from a trip. I bounded back and forth checking out different vibrational rates. Perhaps this was an energetic way of just saying 'Hi!'.  And though I tell you this story in a linear fashion, it was an instantaneous download.

The other thought I had was equivalent to the words ˜Ah, I remember how this feels'. Again, a period of reorientation occurred to tune in to Source. Or another way of saying this would  be I needed to pause so that I could return to the faster data rate in which Source communicated. I remember focusing my intention away from everyone and back to Source. Once ready, my intention was ˜Well, show me more'.

The sky exploded! The curtain had been pulled away and the fractal pattern of the Universe had been revealed. The data coming into my head was the equivalent of moving from darkness to candlelight...to flashlight and then to a magnesium fire. The fractal crystalline structure grew exponentially. I "saw" my family, my friends, my acquaintances, my patients, everyone I would ever meet, everyone they would ever meet, every energetic thing we've all interacted with... Only for a moment it appeared as a soccer ball before it became so complex that it would be easier to say it was a ball of crystalline fire. However, it would also be accurate to say that it was like an atomic structure because its volume was mostly empty space.

Source was still with me as I extended my intention to various places. I was happily surprised to find a friend, a stranger, a tree, a rock, another plant, another life form, another planet.

˜Oh, you want me to remember that we are all interconnected. Friend, family, foe, tree, rock, planets, solar systems, galaxies, and so on. We are part of Source. Source is infinite and connected to all. Ergo, we're all connected to everything!' What followed, I cannot describe. Words are as ineffective as trying to build a house with a Nerf hammer. My mediocre explanation is this - take the feelings unconditional love, joy, acceptance, forgiveness, and pride and add the words 'YES! HE GETS IT!'. Pour it all into a bath and then submerge yourself into that satori stew for a thousand years.

The structure vanished and I was back to where I started. Source and I were still connected by the beautiful silver strand¦and it began to stretch as Source pulled away. ˜Oh. I'm going back now.' I thought with no emotional content. Source continued to retreat until I opened my eyes to find myself staring at the 319 holes per tile that comprised the ceiling of my hospital  room. According to the clock, about 90 minutes had passed.

Like a person briefly awakened in the middle of a great dream, I repositioned myself around my pillows and IV lines, took a deep breath like a diver and went back to sleep. I wanted more!

This time when I went to sleep, I found myself in a sweat lodge. I have never been in a sweat lodge before but I had heard them described. Judging from the terra cotta colored sand under my feet, I would say I was in the southwestern United States “ maybe near the Four Corners.

The lodge was about four feet deep into Mother Earth with sandy stones embracing the circumference of the lodge. Each stone was about the size of a large shoebox and were stacked high enough so that while standing in the lodge, I could not see out. Stark white deadwood that had been bleached clean by decades of desert sun supported a thatched roof made from clumps of tied high grasses that grew in the area. A small shelf had also been thoughtfully dug out so the one could sit with their back leaning against the earthen wall.

These details are still so vivid. I think this is due, in part, so I could later discern that this was not a dream. My dreams are in two dimensions and when they have color, they're muted. This experience was definitely 3D. I remember the heat on my cheeks, the comforting smell of the smoke, the coarseness of the sand under my hands and the crackle of the fire as it slowly chewed through hardwood.

My perceptions were the equivalent of a fade-in camera shot. Or a dimmer switch being slowly dialed up so that the room's secrets could be revealed. Finally, I became aware of an ancient Indian sitting almost opposite of me in the sweat lodge.  He was the epitome of what I thought an Indian should be with a few feathers braided into his hair and not the war bonnet that old Hollywood oft times portrayed. He wore an open vest of some organic material, pants from animal hide and damn if he didn't have the same gregarious smile that George Carlin was so well known for wearing.

What was most striking to me were the lines upon his face. It was an ancient and yet ageless face. Matching that grin were eyes that sparkled and shined forth with the same love with a bit of mischief I had felt earlier. Those eyes could have belonged to either a leprechaun or Santa Claus himself. But, god bless him, surrounding those sparkling eyes and loving grin was a face like a saddlebag left in the sun too long. These long furrows left shadows on his face no matter where he looked but you could tell he wore each one with pride. Well earned badges of courage perhaps.

We smiled at each other and, as I had done before, I spoke to him without words. I asked what I should call him. With twinkling eyes and a lopsided grin, he replied 'Joy with Attitude'. Oh yeah, I'm liking this guy.

During our conversation, the fire in the sweat lodge changed colors. In the beginning, it was colored like any normal fire. However, throughout the course of our discussion, the flames changed to an emerald green. When I started asking questions about my soul group, the fire turned purple. Otherwise, it was a conversation between a pupil and student who had not seen each other in a long while. However, the comforting sense of familiar camaraderie was ever present.

What followed was a conversation that seemed to be hours long and rather than subject you to dialogue, I will summarize:

We are spirits in a material world and it is meant to be a playground for learning.

We take ourselves too seriously and too often.

We are where we are by our own choice by things we've created and by things we have allowed.

We  are always connected to Source but we usually focus on the opera of our lives rather than Source. 

Everyone has the capacity to be psychic / in touch with Source / be awake. It only requires choice.

There are people who are awake and who are asleep. Some of the awakened are in learning mode. Some are in refinement mode like video game players who are replaying a level to get a better score.

Some of us here at this time are spiritual ˜paramedics'. There is a bumpy ride before us and those who are asleep are going to struggle. In short, some will change for the better and some will have to come back and try again.

Everyone has a team of helpers in the spiritual realm. Some are specifically for you; some are for when you require specialized help.

Practice love and forgiveness at every opportunity but start with yourself.

I had other information imparted to me that I am still not ready to surrender. Some of it was specifically for me. Not so much warnings but navigational signposts as I had a very long and painful road that included divorce, bankruptcy, various physical injuries, professional sabotage, and a friend's suicide.  Any of these life events are capable of breaking a person but each one was an echo of an earlier event “ from an earlier life.

Although painfully hard to manage,  I derived a modicum of solace from the fact that  I had chosen these events to shape me for a pathway yet to come.  Knowing I had worked this out beforehand with other members of my soul group helped me come to terms too.  Finally, my team on the other side mitigated some of my pain. But from this pain came beauty!

The beauty of it all is that each of us are in the same boat “ a boat built, in part, by our soul group, sailed on the winds of our free will with occasional navigational help from our team.

My experience set me on a course of self-exploration I would not have taken otherwise. In fact, I consider it my other birthday. I know I am here in refinement mode and I know what theme I have been wrestling with for ages. 

My quest has resulted in my murder, suicide, fall from grace or abandonment in nearly a dozen lifetimes. It compels me, drives me, challenges me and sharpens my focus. "It dares me to share my most painful moments in a way for the world to see. For the betterment of myself and others, I accept the challenge.

It has been a many headed Hydra in many life times, but this time I have tools I've never had before now.  I may be wounded but, by George, I am not broken! None of us are! This (life) time, I am resisting the perception of safety that conformity presents. This (life) time, I will not try to hide it or rationalize it. It... just is.

At the time of your experience was there an associated life-threatening event?   Yes   ARDS (Acquired Respiratory Distress Syndrome)  Lung failure, Kidney failure, Cardiac arrhythmia.

Was the experience difficult to express in words?....Yes....Do you NOT see the irony in having a text field for this question?

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?....More consciousness and alertness than normal    While connect to Source....LOL Yeah, it was different. I was sharing a carrier wave of consciousness with God / Source while exploring the Universe. Normally, I can't find my sunglasses, my breath stinks and there's a tiny skid mark on the Haines highway.

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.    It was as much omniscience as my consciousness could appreciate. The longer I was there, the faster it got.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.    I now have a frame of reference for "heavenly hosts singing"

Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during a time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body?    No  

What emotions did you feel during the experience?....Euphoria, Bliss, Rapture, Love, Acceptance, Humor, Tranquility, Wholeness.  

Did you pass into or through a tunnel?....Yes....In astral projection, I am still on Earth. I was in a place of grey with a speck of light in the distance.

Did you see an unearthly light?....Yes....White and then more white. Julia Robert's teeth white to magnesium fire white.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice?....I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin    It was my voice until we started speaking with intent and emotion.

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings?....Yes    I did not "see" them; I knew them by their energy signature. The energy was the same for both living and dead people.

Did you become aware of past events in your life during your experience?....Yes....I was aware of previous adventures and lessons. I could not cite addresses and names.

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world?....A clearly mystical or unearthly realm....First in darkness, then in light. Then, inside a living crystalline snowflake when morphed into a Seed of Life in 3D, a soccer ball and then...the Universe.

Did time seem to speed up or slow down?....Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning....Time is a cognitive process. You go from not knowing to knowing. That process is Time.

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything?....Everything about the universe....I understood everything I needed to know for my mission. I was not interested in anything more although I would have had it made available to me if I had asked.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?....No....

Did you come to a border or point of no return?....No....

Did scenes from the future come to you?....Scenes from my personal future....Survival skills for trials to come in this life.

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge or purpose?....Yes....I'm here as a spiritual paramedic.

Discuss any changes that might have occurred in your life after your experience:....Large changes in my life....45. It would be more accurate that I have a different fear regarding Death. I went from being afraid of my mortality to being afraid of not completing my mission.....

Did you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that occurred as a result of the experience?    Yes     I no longer believe in Hell. You are either facing God or facing away from God.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience?....Yes     More insightful, compassionate in some cases. Less tolerant of bullies.

Have you ever shared this experience with others?   Yes   Within the first month, I shared it with my wife. Was neither encouraging or discouraging. Over time, I became more selective about who and what I revealed.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?....Yes     Read books / articles by Moody, the Guggenheims, and TV.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:....Experience was definitely real    Both content and the energy from it was striking. It was so unlike anything I had ever experienced that it must be real.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience at the current time:....Experience was probably real....Don't understand "current time"? How did I feel at the time or how do I feel about it currently? The first few days home from the hospital, I was sorting through my new reality deciding what to keep.

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?....Yes....Less tolerance for assholes, liars, sociopaths, abusers of the elderly, children or animals. Moved through my divorce process with conviction. I don't keep spiritually unaware people around for long.

Have your religious beliefs/spiritual practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?....Uncertain    I have always been refining that process; I just have more variables now.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience?....Yes    meditation, providing reiki

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?    No    You did the best you can. Asking questions of ineffability and objectively quantifying a subjective experience will always be a challenge.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you?     Feeling true love. I know what it is supposed to feel like now.

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience?....Nope, too whipped at this point.