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Jennifer M's Experience

Experience description:   

It was Christmas vacation during my senior year of high school and I was home from boarding school.  Some friends and I had gone over to the house of another friend (who was extremely important to me) to hang out.  It had been several months since we last were together & I could tell that he was as excited to see me as I was to see him--especially since I had been going through an extremely tough time emotionally while at school and really needed his calming presence.

At some point, the topic of conversation hit a very raw nerve for me and I think I just "flipped out" (for lack of a better description). I began saying rather vulgar, self-deprecating things that were completely out of character for me, while a couple of my "friends" provided encouragement. In fact, it was at this point that I distinctly remember feeling like I was watching a play from a balcony seat. I could see the "action" going on just below me and it was as if I were watching an actress "play" me, and I had no control over the dialogue. At the time I was absolutely mortified by what I was "witnessing" and I could see that the experience was having a painfully negative effect on my close friend, yet I could do nothing to stop it.  The whole episode lasted about 15 to 20 minutes. 

I left with the group I came with shortly afterward, although I have no memory of anything that occurred from the conclusion of my "performance" to the time I got home that night. In truth, the experience shook me up quite badly.  The truly sad part is that the close relationship I shared with that one particular friend ended that night and we have never spoken since. I have never before told anyone about this experience even though I have periodic recurring dreams where I am back in that "balcony" witnessing the whole thing all over again.

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?     No      

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? No      

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          No      

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?           I was perfectly alert and conscious of what was going on below me. In fact, I believe I also felt as well as observed the painful emotions my friend experienced.

            Was the experience dream like in any way?   It was dreamlike in a couple of ways. First, my vision was primarily focused on myself and my one friend.  The others there were more like blurry, peripheral images. Second, I had that feeling of powerlessness--like in a dream when you want to take action in a situation, but physically can't.

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Uncertain      I did not see myself apart from my body as the only memory I have of the experience is from the conscious perspective of my "other" self.

What emotions did you feel during the experience?            I felt intense emotional conflict and pain, as well as horror at what I was witnessing.  I wanted to comfort my friend, but was frustrated at being unable to do that. I was also extremely frustrated that I could not control my own behavior "on stage".

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?           Other than the sound of my own voice screaming at myself to stop? No.

LOCATION DESCRIPTION:  Did you recognize any familiar locations or any locations from familiar religious teachings or encounter any locations inhabited by incredible or amazing creatures?    Yes            All of this took place in my friend's bedroom.

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          Yes     Five of us were in the room that night and (to my utter humiliation) four of us briefly discussed the night's events shortly afterward.

Did you notice how your 5 senses were working, and if so, how were they different?          Yes     As mentioned before, it seemed I was watching a play and I could hear every word that was said. My vision was different in that it was primarily focused on myself and one particular friend. I was not aware of other senses.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   No      

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?    No      

Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body?       No       Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?   Uncertain      I have very frequent occurrences of deja vu-type experiences.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?         Uncertain     

Have you shared this experience with others?         No      

What emotions did you experience following your experience?        I was so shaken up by it at the time that I actually put it out of my mind for a couple of years--until I began to have periodic recurring dreams of the experience.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?      Worst--being able to see the larger picture yet unable to alter it's pattern.  Best--possibly the opportunity to see myself as others see me.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No      

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?               Yes