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Jane F's Experience

Experience description:   

In 1982, I was 29, pregnant and alone.  Although I had a small inheritance to help me get by, I was psychologically unprepared to care for myself and a child.  I was socially very insecure and had no idea how to connect with others and make a life.  Although I had family, it seemed impossible to reveal my situation to them.  Emotionally I was terrified.  This was before the internet, so I felt terribly alone and desperate.  I never even considered abortion. 

One night, I decided to call out to the Universe to help me.  Within my own mind, I shouted and yelled persistently for help until, exhausted, I fell asleep.  My help came that night during a dream.  These are the significant scenes that I remember.  Some are just fragments.  The words cannot do justice, but try to feel into them. 

1) I am a sphere, a bubble, maybe 6 feet across, and my outer shell is made of light.  That is my only body.  There’s nothing in the bubble, just my awareness.  It is completely quiet and tranquil.  I have arisen from what I perceive to be an almost invisible spring of pure Being, Is-ness, who knows only, wholly, purely to BE.  I am its child, and I feel complete trust and appreciation for its gift of freedom to forever BE anything I want.   

There is a multitude of spheres extending for a great distance.  I know that we are all unlimited and eternal.  I see human events displayed like movies on the blue light surfaces of the other spheres.  I can see some of my own events in my shell.  We have been all kinds of people, loved and hated each other, nurtured and killed each other.  I see everyone interacting in everyone else’s spheres, simultaneously.  This is all seen in complete silence. 

The Is-ness has no judgment on what we do.  As Beings, we will always BE.  The Is-ness will always BE.  There is no particular emotion in this scene, just observing. 

2) I am walking along a riverbank.  I think I saw all the events of my life in the river to my right.  I feel at peace. 

3) Then I am infinite space.  There is absolutely nothing and no one anywhere.  No spirits, no objects, completely silent and unlit.  It is not frightening at all.  It is full, timeless consciousness at rest in itself.  It is clear that anything and everything is available from this state of potential.  There are infinite potentials, which can be engaged at any time.  Yet it is delightful just as it is, a wonderful calm, without the slightest pressure to decide or perform. 

4). This is the part of the dream with the most impact.  I don’t recall how I met them, but there are Beings who are reaching out to me, transmitting Peace right into my heart.  There is no adequate description for this contact.  It is alive, invincible, deep, thrilling, connecting, healing, complete and unending.  There is no room for anything negative.   

Then, I am going somewhere else.  I look back over my shoulder at them before I walk off to the right.  

5)  I have the shape of a person, and there are many other beings with indistinct human shapes.  The Is-ness Itself has come to see us, and slips inside my form to take a peek through my eyes.  As soon as Is-ness sees another person, it recognizes Itself peering through the other’s eyes!  Recognizing Itself simultaneously in both entities, the Is-ness becomes Love instantaneously!  This unconditional, all-encompassing Love causes me to spiral around and upwards in joy.  This is an unending adventure in supreme happiness! 

Then I woke up!  The first thing I remembered was the Peace Beings.  I knew at once that there is indeed a “peace that passeth understanding.”  Like the sun, it pierced the fogbank of my despair.  I was able to recall most of the dream, and felt amazed and comforted.  For a little while.  Dreams fade, and soon I was back in “reality” and insecurity.  It was “only” a dream.  There is a happy ending.  The baby’s father decided to return, and we raised our child together.  I experienced the tenderness of mothering.  Our son brought boundless love into our lives.   

I won’t candy coat it though – parenting was hard, and life was still difficult, an emotional roller coaster.  Many times, I wanted to end my life, but I did not want to hurt others, and I did not want to end up with unresolved issues on the other side, if there was one.   

When I felt desperate, I would suddenly remember the dream, and seek comfort there.  It was “only a dream,” but I began to wonder, why couldn’t it be experienced while awake?  What was to stop me?  I practiced, meditating on the dream, trying to recreate the feelings.  I told a few people about the dream, but only one person was really moved. 

It’s been over 30 years, and the memory has faded a bit, yet it still guides me.  Searching for help, I found NDERF a few years ago.  The sites have given me so much inspiration and comfort.  I decided to share my experience, because it is quite different, primordial in a way.  Maybe it will help someone else… 

Also, I think we were helped by an angel.  My baby was teething, keeping me up for hours with his crying.  I was feeling tired, dejected and overwhelmed.  I looked out the small window, and seeing a bright star, decided to wish on it.  I made a child-like wish that, somehow, the star could come in the room and play with us.  Amazingly, my baby immediately stopped crying!  He was looking all around the room, and then he started laughing!  I didn’t see anything myself, but obviously he did.  And then he was able to fall asleep… I still remember my surprise and relief. 

I would also like to mention a free resource on the web.  I have learned a new way to meditate at Adyashanti’s Café Dharma.  I feel my heart opening from the center of stillness and presence.  I am bringing my dream to life. 

Thank you for this opportunity to share.