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Jacob D's Experience

Experience description:   

I had been suffering mentally for months due to the death of one of my closest friends, a woman left me who I loved more than any before her or since and I have suffered for a long time before that thinking about my near non existent relationship to my heroin addicted mother. A friend invited me to his house, I hadn't seen him in over a year and wanted to try to cheer myself up. He had ketamine and I was in a ' F*** it ' kind of mood. I had taken my fair share of speed and MDMA before, plus my sister took it all the time so what's the big deal? that was my perspective back then. I got given a big line with a width and length on par with my index finger, I snorted it half down one nostril, half down another. and felt a feeling of comfort, the first release of the internal suffering I'd endured in silent isolation for months. As my friend left the room, I pulled my feet up onto the bed I was sat on and sat cross legged. my back was up against the wall and my mind emptied. Then I felt myself float upward out of my body and In the space of about 5 seconds I floated into the ceiling and instead of entering the next room up I was enveloped in a totally pink... space. it was void like with no objects, people or anything. It was a pale pink akin to cherry blossoms. To back track a sec, my dad had told me that Tibetan monks had been reporting astral intrusions by ketamine users and this gave me the feeling of wrongful intrusion the instant I hit the ceiling, I felt truly sorry in myself although my feelings did feel more potent than usual as I am usually a very conscious and empathetic person That feeling of apologetic energy was familiar to me. I was Told by an unknown voice that 'I was not ready to be here.' I could feel this will. like a second instinct. Another life will was within me. slightly offset to my right. I felt so sorry. but in the second after the unknown's statement I felt this accepting energy, like it accepted my apology. I was sent speeding forwards and a golden lotus outline came towards me. Like a ring it swept past me. I heard a faint vroom as it passed and in equal spacing another followed behind it as if the distance between each was perfect. countless of them before me swept passed and as I went forwards a Black dot appeared at the centre of this 'Lotus Road' and as we I went forwards towards it this blackness spread slightly. After what felt like 2 minutes I was enveloped in total black but had a feeling of still moving forwards. The golden lotus rings had disappeared from sight. I did not look back or try to change the direction of my sight as I felt like I was being lead somewhere by something. after a minute of being in that black void where I felt nothing I saw a red spec appear just as the blackness had but this was different, it was pulsating slightly, the diameter of this spec, as it grew showed a clear 2 steps out 1 step in pattern until it encompassed most of my sight. I could see this red cloud or blob of energy but never entered it. I saw an image in the centre suddenly appear. It was an Image of my mum when she must have been young. maybe how she looked around the time of my birth. I have never had much photos of her and most of from later in life. I could see her as if she was right in front of me with her eyes shut. I could only see the top half of her body and she was wearing a white jumper and her Krishna beads. her face was pointing as if she was looking at the floor to my left although and her body was also facing that direction and her arms were out of view. I appeared from nowhere in the same manner. Eyes shut as if I was leaning back on her (I would date the age of me in the image as 6 or 7) then My first sister Lizzy appeared in front of me in the same manner I did with my mum, she was leaning on me but I could still see every ones faces. this pattern continued until I could see my mum with me, Lizzy, Louise and Gemma all leaning on the older one before them. Then I saw my mothers arms rise and she placed them over my younger self's shoulders and reached to Gemma to hug us all on the neck slightly at the same time. As I watched her hands meet Gemma I started to feel the upper arms I could see on this younger me on my shoulders and neck and in the bat of an eyelid I was back in my friends room. In the first 5 seconds I felt a Huge surge of profoundly positive energy unlike anything I had felt, Even the Euphoria of MDMA wasn't it's equal. after that my stomach was overwhelmed and I had to vomit. I spent 2 to 3 hours vomiting. Although the experience helped me and was indeed profoundly life changing. I swore I wouldn't do ketamine again as the whole experience was an Intrusion. Even an accepted Intrusion is an intrusion.

This experience has had a profound impact on my perception of the world and has given me a level of peace of mind regarding my mum since this event.

In closing I would like to advise against taking ketamine to anyone not only due to my experiences but also due to a friends girlfriend who had a mental breakdown after going into a place filled with apparitions of death and despair in total darkness filed with images ripped from a necromancers dream. I only shared this because it seemed unlike anything anyone else has shared so I felt I had to speak up. Please Don't do ketamine It's oily crystals are highly destructive to the human body and has (when misused) has caused damage to people as young as 18 to require a colostomy. It devastates the bladder as the crystals survive the liver and can damage that too. I'm not that learned on the damage it can do but I've seen that happen to my sisters friend so I will advise heavily against it.

Thank you for reading about my experience

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience? Yes    AS I said Ketamine was the main catalyst, but I have had a cannabis habit at the time and was smoking hashish that night in a bong (water pipe)

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words?          No     

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event? No     

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?      I felt fully conscious and after the apologetic energy passed I felt relaxed followed by empty then after the experience was euphoric briefly before vomiting profusely for over 2 hours. I still felt pretty good after that too actually

Was the experience dream like in any way?  No I Felt like was actually there

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?  Uncertain     I did not look at my body or see any of my physical body at any point during the experience. and I saw no trace of the silver cord either. But I felt myself lift out of my body. I felt separated. I did not look back at my body for a second.

What emotions did you feel during the experience?         At the moment of raising I felt slightly surprised, then I thought I was doing a forced projection and felt guilty and apologetic. I felt accepted and then relaxed, as I entered the black I felt nothing at all until I returned to my body and I felt absolutely amazing. quickly needing to throw up. but still felt better than when I arrived after my stomach calmed down

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?         The Sound of the lotus rings had a distinctive vroom that I remember and I think the red cloud / blob sounded like it was making some sort of pulsating noise that matched the expansion of the color and grew with it in volume. It was almost like a heartbeat mixed with a refrigerator.

LOCATION DESCRIPTION:  Did you recognize any familiar locations or any locations from familiar religious teachings or encounter any locations inhabited by incredible or amazing creatures?   Uncertain     What I saw could have been a level or levels of a spiritual dimension like the astral plain or a part of the Hindu spiritual universe because of the lotus rings. But I'm not that well informed on the astral plain or the Hindu spiritual universe. So I couldn't say.

Did you see a light?        No     

Did you meet or see any other beings?         Yes    I was unable to identify the entity. It felt like a higher form of consciousness than me. The words it spoke where 'You are not ready to be here.' and the rest was an unspoken intuitive exchange of emotion directly, with no words needed.

Did you experiment while out of the body or in another, altered state?         No     

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?         No         

Did you notice how your 5 senses were working, and if so, how were they different? Uncertain     I didn't try to touch, smell, taste or touch anything at all and didn't think about their functionality at all but my sight was functioning fairly normally although I didn't change my viewpoint. I felt like I was being lead on a sensory level.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?  Uncertain          I don't fully understand the question

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?         Yes    I felt a force that wanted to show me something that was meant to help me achieve peace.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?           No     

Did you become aware of future events?      No     

Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body?          No     

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience? Yes    Since then I've been feeling a lot less concern regarding my 'relationship' with my mother. I have also become more interested in theological ideas since then as well.

How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices?   I was a lot nicer to people and was far less quick to anger. I have been thinking a lot about humans role in the environment and the barriers to a true peace for all. Hoping for a change in this eternal stand off of deterrence in which there is never trust.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience? Yes    I won't be taking ketamine again and I don't doubt my mum cares. Even if she is unable to master herself and is lost in her own abyss of addiction. Somewhere in her consciousness is caring.

Have you shared this experience with others?       Yes    most seemed pretty pleased I experienced that but some have expressed jealousy, disgust and rejection

What emotions did you experience following your experience? a massive surge of peace and happiness which was lowered after the vomiting (2+ hrs) then I just felt a lot more tranquil and found my emotions manifested a lot less and far weaker than before. this has since passed. it lasted for about 3-4 months.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?     I think the whole experience was the best part and the worst part was that I had to come back.

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience? I would like to understand more about this, this is why I am telling. I also hope that this helps someone somehow.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?    No     

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?                     Uncertain     seems like some of these questions are double crammed a bit. I understand you want to minimize space but If the questions become harder to understand It'll make answering harder and alienate less intelligent people. I also understand that lazy people might be alienated by a long questionnaire but I'm not stupid but I had to guess what a couple meant and this is one of them. Plus personally, if it was my site, I'd rather be rid of the lazy people anyway to minimize half finished questionnaire.

Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire.       perhaps make a page that explains what the questions mean in case they get tripped up. you might find people are less like to click no response for some of the questions if you did.