Eeva-Kaisa R's Experience
NDE 13.2.2015 (?)
I was in a hospital because of an acute liver failure due to a rare poisonous side effect of a medicine. I had been having severe, migraine-like headache attacks for days and was weak and feverish. The pain and the fever went away for many hours and then came back for many hours. I couldn't tell day from night, I was just floating between pain and no pain.
I was very scared. Scared for my condition, scared of possibly never recovering, scared for what would happen to my little daughter, scared of death, but mostly just scared for the next pain attack. At first they didn't dare to give me any other drug than ibuprofen, because all others were so dangerous to my liver. Finally after the first terrible 24 hours the doctor gave me a dose of medication every 12 hours, and it eased the pain. After two days of this the pain started to grow. I felt it creep inside my skull after just three hours of being given the dose. It was too early. I called for the doctor and told her that I was very scared for the pain to come, because there were still 9 hours to my next dose and the drug didn't seem to be helping any more.
- Give me something stronger, I begged. - I can't, she said, - It's too dangerous. What do you want me to give you? I can give you some ibuprofen, nothing more. I thought she was somehow mocking me. - Not that, I cried, they're just candies, they don't help! Give me anything! Morphine! Don't leave me alone in the pain! I'm so scared! I cried and cried on my bed. In that fear I felt helpless and thought she didn't believe my pain or didn't want to help me (afterwards I understood that she was puzzled, too, not knowing of how to ease pain without medication). The pain felt like whiplashes of fire (afterwards I thought it was like Balrog's whip in Lord of the Rings). They scanned my brain just to make sure that there was nothing severe to worry about, but mostly to ease my fear of dying of some strange brain condition. Doctors and nurses came and went, hours passed by.
In between all this I had my experience. It may have been fragmentary, not just one single thing but consisting of many blinks or visions that happened one after another. Bits of understanding. But I have been collecting the meaning of this understanding in an order that looks chronological, because that's the only way I can speak of it.
I tried to escape the pain, to fight it. Then it became too great, I couldn't fight any more. There was no escape. I surrendered to the pain and fear and was completely overwhelmed by it. I never left my body. The pain never stopped. The world outside my head felt distant because of the pain, but I knew it was right there – the rest of my body, the bed, the room, the doctors and nurses. I fell deeper in the pain and asked: what if this is just a start? What if there's an infinite amount of more pain coming? How can I stand it? Is there no limit? No limit at all? Momentarily I hoped to die, just to make the pain stop. Then I was taken to a space, or a state of being, inside the pain.
It was totally dark. The darkness was warm and heavy, pressure-like. Like water around me. It was full of meaning, heavy with all the meaning of life. I felt a presence of a huge, solid wall. I was not close to the wall, but it was there. I knew it was the Wall between life and death. The edge of life. It was not open to me. I was taken there to understand that there is a limit to pain. Pain is not infinite. Pain is something that belongs to life. To this world. When life is over, pain will be over. Behind the Wall there is no pain. And if the pain in life gets too heavy to carry, life ends, and pain too. I understood that death is a gift. I felt very safe, very peaceful (and still at the same time the pain never stopped). I felt my loved ones far away in their lives, in life, felt the meaningful things of my own life, all its everyday common smallness, all its sorrow, all its love. I loved my life more than ever. I didn't want to die now, and I knew it wasn't the point of this visit to the edge. I feared death no more, I feared life no more.
I was not alone in the dark. There was Another with me. It was the one who had built the Wall and who knew what is behind it. I felt safe, I didn't need to know because It knew. Words had been taken away, there were no words there. Without words It said to me something like ”I am here”. And I responded: ”I am here”. I was together with It, but separate too. It was the one I come from, the one that everything comes from: time, matter and life. And I knew that when my time is up, the Wall will open for me and It will take me through it. Until then there's life, very painful and very beautiful and absolutely meaningful.
This Another was so different from anything we can describe that even the words ”I now know God exists” are not right, even though that's the way to put it in words. I am a devoute Christian, but no religion gave me any backup there. It was beyond religions. I knew they – mine included – are for this life, they are not needed where the Wall is and beyond it, they cannot reach what's there.
All the time during this experience I was tightly in my body and life, in the hospital room, in pain. Finally they sedated me to sleep, that must have been the solution they were looking for, I don't know for how long. Maybe it was just less than an hour. Then I slept for five hours and wake up the pain gone. After this experience the pain attacks didn't come back any more. I was still weak and feverish for days but I started healing. Four days later, this morning, I was released from the hospital.
At the time of your experience was there an associated life-threatening event? Uncertain It was not known for sure if my illness was life threatening or not. I didn't heal very well by then.
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? All the time I was inside the experience. Though there was no time in there.
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. It was inside the everyday vision, not apart from it. I didn't see or hear with senses in there.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. The sounds around me felt a a little distant, but it was because of the pain, not the experience. I didn't see or hear with senses in there.
Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during a time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body? Uncertain I saw and heard everything all the time. My awareness was no apart from my body but deep inside of it.
What emotions did you feel during the experience? Safety, relief, love, meaningfulness.
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No
Did you see an unearthly light? No
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
The origin of all existence was present.
Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No
Did you become aware of past events in your life during your experience? Uncertain Not in detail, but in general: that my life was meaningful as such.
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? Some unfamiliar and strange place
I knew I was in this world, but it was the last edge of it.
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Or perhaps it happened in small fragments
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? No
Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes
The wall between life and death (or beyond)
Did you come to a border or point of no return? No
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from my personal future
I will go back to that wall when it's my time to die. (And maybe all beings will.)
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness suggesting that there either is (or is not) continued existence after earthly life (“life after death”)? Uncertain This existence will cease. But behind the wall is something. I was not told what. I was not curious but felt trusting and safe.
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that God or a supreme being either does (or does not) exist? Yes All existence is born of this Another who was present there.
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that you either did (or did not) exist prior to this lifetime? No
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that a mystical universal connection or unity/oneness either does (or does not) exist? Yes All is meaningful...
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s meaning or purpose? Yes That pain will and in death. Death is a gift. I didn't know it.
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s difficulties, challenges, or hardships? Yes That pain will and in death. Death is a gift. I didn't know it.
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding love? Yes Love is. In the end, I think that itäs the only thing that exists. Or perhaps in beyond: in life there's other things too and all is meaningful, but after it just love.
During your experience, did you encounter any other specific information / awareness that you have not shared in other questions that is relevant to living our earthly lives? No
Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge or purpose? Yes All is meaningful. I am important. Everyone is. Life, with all its pain and smallness, is very very beautiful.
What occurred during your experience included: Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience We have no words here for it (=God). It's beyond our reaching. So: the words that describe it this way (in i.e. Judaism and Christianity, mysticism) have had it right so far.
How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience
My experience directly resulted in: Unknown
Did you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that occurred as a result of the experience? Yes I don't need to fear death. It is a gift. And stronger belief in the meaningfulness of all.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Uncertain It's only been four days.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes Two days. To my husband and then to a fellow pastor. He was silent and moved by it, she was deeply moved and crying in awe.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes I have studied it a little and take it seriously, with healthy scientific skepticism. I also hear of it (not often) in my pastoral work.
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened: Experience was definitely real It was more real than everyday life. Life has a sort of dimming veil on top of everything, but in my experience all was straight and open, shown directly without senses.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience at the current time: Experience was definitely real It was more real than everyday life. Life has a sort of dimming veil on top of everything, but in my experience all was straight and open, shown directly without senses.
Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience? Uncertain I feel love deeper. And compassion to my loved ones. I don't know yet whether this will affect my relationships with other people.
Have your religious beliefs/spiritual practices changed specifically as a result of your experience? Uncertain Don't know yet.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Uncertain I feel that something will.
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? I feel great gratitude that I had it. If the pain didn't take me so deep, I wouldn't have experienced it. That's why I am grateful for the pain, too.
Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Uncertain It is so hard to describe. It seems to slip away or change in describing it.