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Denise F's Experience

Experience description:   

I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. My experience occurred during surgery. I remember being taken into the surgical suite. Being in the medical profession for years, I was aware of what was going to occur as far as the procedure and the anesthesia. I was awake and fully alert in the operating room when first arriving. This is not usually done, but my surgeon was sweet enough to do that for me. My daughter walked with me to the door. I had been doing a lot of introspection, etc. prior to the procedure and was at peace with the decision to undergo the surgery. My papers were all in order and my children and I had met and discussed what would happen if I died.  I felt I needed to make a covenant with heavenly father before I was put under. My covenant was difficult for me as I was a single mother for many years who had difficulty trusting men and was used to always being in charge, problem solving and making everything happen. I was the matriarch. I suddenly knew I had to turn my life over, unconditionally, with no doubt or question, to a male higher power and for the first time, trust someone else with my very existence. It was the most frightening and humbling experience ever. The truest test of my faith. Like jumping off of a cliff and trusting that the person on the other side would truly catch you or even care about you. My covenant was that I trusted and had faith. I said to heavenly father, I will either wake up and be fine, wake up with disabilities, or die and be sure you will answer everything for me then! At the moment of the anesthesiologist placing the needle in my IV to put me under, I spoke to God and said-so be it, I am yours. I gave myself over to heavenly father for the first time. I did not expect anything but to be put  to sleep.

I suddenly woke up inside my mind in the darkness. I knew I was myself, my spirit, in my body but separate from my body. I looked around and said "I am in my brain in the dark, but why am I here? Am I dead? Aren't I supposed to see something like a light or a tunnel? Dead people or something? Shouldn't I be out of my body floating above or something? I was confused, but no fear. I felt safe, peaceful, alert. I suddenly looked up and saw the knife cutting into my brain and saw the tumor. I said, that's right, they are taking the tumor out. But why am I seeing this? And why in the dark? Next I looked ahead and suddenly saw the most beautiful, gorgeous woman with magnificent red hair, a stunningly perfect body and perfect skin with an incredible, engaging smile.  She emitted a brilliant, soft light around her and had a euphoric feeling of complete joy. I cannot find words or language to describe her. I was amazed that I saw the red color of her hair, as I was always concerned and aware that I never dreamed in color before, only shades of gray and white. I was surprised that I was able to see such brilliant and beautiful colors. I looked at her and did not immediately know who she was until she moved closer. I suddenly realized she was my mother! I was shocked. I remembered my mother when she died. I was age 12. She was 38,overweight and looked nothing like this. She was physically perfect in every way and elated at seeing me. Her happiness was beyond joy, impossible to put into words but a feeling that I could experience beyond anything possible here. I looked at her and knew she had something to tell me. She had not yet spoken, but her presence was astonishing to me. I saw her suddenly turn her face to acknowledge someone else who was there. When I looked, I saw feet in sandals, a flawless man in white robes with a beautiful smile who was slightly off to the side and above her. He had a sense of complete pureness and serenity about him. He gently chuckled," of course I want you to talk to her" and waved his hand at her with a pleasant, innocent gesture for her to approach me. He looked at me, but although I was allowed to see him, he did not speak to me and I was only allowed to vaguely see his face but saw the detail of the rest of his body. I suddenly was aware it was Jesus and found myself feeling like a silly little child who was upset because he wouldn't talk to me!!! How dare he leave me! Was I not good enough for him to speak to me too? My mother then approached me. I wanted so badly to run and hug her, but I was aware somehow that I was not allowed to cross what seemed to be an invisible veil that separated them from me. It was like standing on the deck at your house in the dark and looking through the window where your family is in the lighted room. You can see them and speak to them, but you are not allowed or able to open the door and walk through.

She began to speak to me. It was an incredible experience, because I found myself instantly understanding her and speaking with her, but realized that we were not speaking English or any other language known to man. It was as if we had a form of telecommunication more sophisticated and beautiful than that. I suddenly knew that we would all understand each other differently, more deeply and clearly than we do now with all our languages.

My mother began to tell me where she was and how I had helped her to be there. She told me what she would be doing and how she would be with me when it was time ,for all eternity. I began to ask her silly questions, like "will you and dad be together when he dies". She told me no, and I clearly witnessed and experienced a change in her affect and emotions as she described what would happen to him and when he would die. After that, she continued on to tell me several things about myself and my children that she said she was given permission by Jesus to tell me. She described each of my children and what conditions there lives were in and some events that would occur. She described my character and how my character flaw of impatience would affect my recovery. She told me I would need to endure and develop patience as learn that things happened in "his time", not mine. She told me I was blessed and would survive my tumor but would have slight disabilities, especially with my eyes. She also told me she would be allowed to be there for me while I recovered. She and I spoke about my illness, my future life and problems, blessings my children would experience and what I needed to do to be there for them. It was an incredible conversation full of information and answers and I found myself thirsting for more and not ever wanting to leave her presence. It was as if only a few moments and not enough time to be with her. It was also as if I suddenly understood the "mysteries of life" that I did not understand before and was given answers to many of my questions about life and death. Then suddenly, she told me she needed to go. She had to return and I needed to go back to my life as intended for me. I felt her hug me somehow with her arms around me and suddenly woke up in recovery room with the surgeon flashing a light in my eyes and doing a neurological check. I was upset because I did not want to leave her and I had many other questions I wanted to ask her.

I have many other details of my vision that I would love to share with a researcher, however, it is so difficult to write and much easier to express. I hope this is helpful to someone, somewhere. It has totally changed my life. I am still very very human and very imperfect in every way. But this experience was the defining point in my life as far as my faith is concerned and has changed how I approach each day and all my relationships. It was definitely not a hallucination, a delusion or drug induced experience in any way. I am humbled as to why I was blessed to receive it and can never deny it.

Please feel free to contact me if you want to explore it further with me. Good luck with your research!

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes     Parts of the experience were so experiential that words in current language were not adequate to fully describe or express them

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          Yes            Undergoing brain tumor removal surgery

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?    During the vision-the time I was speaking to my mother

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal every day consciousness and alertness?    Normal consciousness and alertness

            During the vision-the time I was speaking to my mother

Did your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect, such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)?  Yes    

Did your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness, etc.)?
            Yes     I realized that I could understand what my mother was saying to me and what Jesus said to her instantaneously. I also realized it was not in any language we speak on earth, but rather an instant sense of telecommunication, reading each others thoughts in a glorious, beautiful way of understanding each other that was totally different than how we communicate here on earth. Very difficult to put into words, but very experiential rather than linguistic. We instantly understood each other.

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Yes

What emotions did you feel during the experience?            very happy, surprised, inquisitive and a little "miffed" at one point.

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?          No      

Did you see a light?           Yes     light in the sense that my mother and Jesus were in the light and I was in the dark. The way I describe it is if you are standing on a deck outside your house in the dark and see the others inside the house with the lights on. I was not allowed to cross over "into the house" but had to stay in the dark while we talked. Like an invisible veil that prohibited me from going through.

Did you meet or see any other beings?           Yes     My dead mother and Jesus. My mother was given permission by Jesus to speak to me, however, he did not speak to me, only her.

Did you experience a review of past events in your life?    No       I learned incredible things as my mother spoke to me and told me things that would happen to me and my children and my father and herself. I also saw that she had a perfect body and perfect skin. Immortality was obvious. Age was not as we know it. She was young and beautiful, but still everything she always was emotionally, spiritually while I knew her here on earth. I learned that a lot of biblical principles were true.

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          Yes    

Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions?            Yes     It was as if I knew I had to be out of body but still my spirit in order to experience it. Time was different. It was not as we know it now. It was also a different sense of dimension.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Yes     It suddenly made sense that time was a man made concept. It was a different feeling had to put into words. I realized when I awoke that although I felt I had only spoken to my mother for a few minutes, hours had actually passed by.

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?     Yes            many biblical principles suddenly and surprisingly became verified and understandable to me

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes     It was as if an invisible veil was between me and my mother and I simply was not allowed to cross it

Did you become aware of future events?       Yes
            Some has come true and some is still to come.

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you did not have prior to the experience?     No      

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes     I shared it immediately after I awoke in ICU. I told my children and my bishop and wrote it down. My daughter remembered the surgeon coming out of the recovery asking her to get my mother because I was talking to her and was not supposed to be. He was concerned . My daughter explained my mother died when I was 12 years old and she never knew her. My children were all surprised . My bishop was surprised but said he felt it was a genuine vision not due to anesthesia, etc. We have all been deeply affected by it in many ways.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?    No      

How did you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:            Experience was definitely real    It was magnificently clear. I was aware and all of it made sense. No confusion or doubts. Like a child who suddenly received all the answers and knowledge that made sense, was accurate and complete.

Were there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful or significant to you?            Yes. I was shocked that I saw Jesus speaking to my mother. I felt silly, like a child, that he would not speak to me and felt incredibly happy to speak with my mother. I was amazed at what I heard and saw. It has changed my life, my understanding of life and death and answered all my doubts and questions. I was a doubting Thomas and now I suddenly saw all the answers and the Truth. It was surprising and wonderful. I also am not sure "why me".

How do you currently view the reality of your experience:            Experience was definitely real    It was definitely, absolutely real. I have had a few surgeries since, with no experience. Just a simple "your out" with anesthesia and then wake up. Nothing like it.

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?           Yes     I am at peace about why we live, what our purpose is, what the eternal plan of the universe is. No more unsettledness. No more doubt or fears. Especially no more fear of death. Hope for the future and a greater understanding of what is happening now on the earth and in my personal life.

Have your religious beliefs/practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?           
Yes     I am a true believer and am very active in church. I am also humbled by my experience.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No      

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?        many other details I will share if asked to later.

Did the questions asked and information you provided so far accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?         Yes     I have many more details though.