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Deidre R Experience

Experience description:   

I went to sleep like normal. During sleep, I became aware and at first it did seem like a dream because it was so surreal. I woke inside my dream to find myself standing in a gray, metallic room, dimly lit. There were three tables in front of me and I waited in front of the middle one. I quickly realized I'd been there before and didn't belong, as in, I was temporary there. To my left a woman was already lying on one of the three tables. To my right, a different woman was getting ready to lie on the table. Far to the right of all three tables was a woman waiting. She worked there and was supposed to be there. She belonged there. I knew the procedure. I walked to this lady that belonged there and turned my back to her. Then, I lifted my hair off my neck and she did something to my spine around my neck or shoulders. There was no sound, no taking, no instructions. I walked back to the middle table and got on. This is where there was a shift in lucidity. Up to this point, I was lucid in that I was aware and watched what occurred. But once I got on the table, something changed.

I found myself up above looking down at this deflated thing on the table. I had no connection to it. It looked odd to me as I studied it. It reminded me of a deflated balloon or a tube of toothpaste that has been squeezed empty. As I continued to observe this thing on the table, the face looked familiar and I realized I knew that person. It was me. Like a switch had been flipped, my lucidity heightened Now, I felt completely awake and functioning. I wondered if that was me on the table, but I was up above, what did I look like now? And I brought my left hand before my eyes to see this gorgeous gold, soft and glowing, translucent shape with tiny sparkles inside that glittered. It was the most beautiful thing I think I'd ever seen. And I turned my hand over and held it up and stared at it, marveling that this was me. I remember thinking, I am so beautiful. It was odd that I had no thought of my waking life. I had no sense of time outside that moment. No history or future. I existed now. A warmth that was love filled me and wrapped its beautiful self around me. I had no worries at that point. I had no sense of my children that were tucked away in their beds or my husband that slept beside me. I had no sense of a life, a body, a world beyond the one I was in. It was like we feel in this world about seeing 'heaven'. We don't see it, think of it, or anything. This world is all there is. Well, to me, that moment was it. I loved myself. I loved all. This is very hard to explain too. It sounds cruel or callous but it truly wasn't. All my anger about my weight, or things I may have done that I wished I hadn't, or how I treated people, or my bills, my debt, my worries about day to day life, my concern for my family - it was gone. It washed away by the all encompassing love. On earth, we love, but in that love is worry and concern. Does he love me? Did I do this right by him/her. Was I too harsh? Was not loving enough? That didn't seem to exist there. There was no judgment. Not on myself or by others. I loved. Period. But as I admired myself, a feminine voice filled my head and said, ""Stop admiring yourself, you have a job to do."" This voice was not angry or scolding, but rather amused at my pleasure, or at my self appraisal.

Her comment triggered a thought and that thought about my job triggered my movement and I flew like a wisp, like a golden, glittery smoke trail fast with a target in mind. My thought, my intention to move, I believe, made me move. I recall feeling so light and free. It was effortless. Far easier than walking or even sitting. I flew over (and this confuses me because I couldn't or wouldn't stop to get a better look) what looked like an office, inside the building. Below me were workers in that office. They were at desks. Some were on the phone. Some were filing papers in a cabinet behind their desks. Some were writing at their desks. One woman I went over was on a swivel chair and she held the phone in the crux of her neck as she spun her chair around from her desk to the filing cabinet and placed something in the files.

My reason for being there grew stronger the closer I got. I knew I was there to help someone and the more I thought of her the faster I flew. Until I came upon a set of stairs. This is hard to explain because while the stairs looked as if they could be in an office building, just a typical flight of stairs, I don't know that they were. I am pretty sure they were 'special' stairs. And I know that doesn't make sense but they were not my focus. She was. I felt her anxiety and sadness. I knew my job was to get her up the steps and be with her. She did not want to climb the stairs. She was terrified. Her hair was white and pulled back in a bun that was low on her head. I don't remember her clothes and I'm not certain I ever looked at them but I do know she was clothed. She was elderly. Probably in her 70's or 80's. I had to stay with her and encourage her to climb. She couldn't see me or hear me - although I did not speak. I sent her feelings of warmth, love, and sense that it was all right. It took awhile, what seemed like an hour but I truly don't know if time applied. I just know it felt like a long time to convince her.

Finally she reached the top and it opened to this brightly, white area covered in fog or clouds maybe. There were no buildings, no sky, nothing but fog. Although fog sounds dreary and this was not a dreary place. It was very illuminated. I knew this was as far as I could go. If I had tried, I couldn't have gone further. I wasn't allowed. She walked forward toward this small arched bridge. And I kept sending her encouragement. Once on that bridge, she sort of disappeared or was enveloped in the clouds. But once over it, I was sucked backwards like through a straw. I had no control over this. I was sucked back and in my body in bed.

I woke with a start. And this is the part that has haunted me for these twelve years. I was confused as to where I was. The heaviness I felt in my body was as if I had been filled with concrete. And I hated it. In a brief moment, I was not coherent and I didn't understand why I was so heavy. Then, realization dawned and all of life's issues flooded back to me. It was as if someone poured ""me"" back into this body and as I filled up I woke up. The 'love' was gone replaced by day-to-day common worries of what to cook for breakfast, what time must I get up to take my so to school, my bodily needs of bathing, using the toilet, eating. I wanted to return. I wanted to go back. I did not want to be in this heavy, sad body. But I couldn't get back. I laid there and cried. And my life here is good. That's what is so misleading. I have a good, healthy, easy  life. My husband and I have a wonderful, long, loving relationship. I have two children who are angels. The lights of my life. Wonderful house. Car. So, I wasn't wanting to escape when I went to bed. But now I'd experienced something that I didn't understand and had never felt before. For days, weeks, months, I was confused about what had happened. I think I told my husband and of course, he said it was a wonderful dream. I told a friend and they said it was a dream that meant to show me my true beauty. And for awhile I decided to convince myself that it was a dream. It was easier to think of it that way. But what dream do you remember for 12 years? What dream makes you forget your life here and all your problems? What dream can fill you with a love so pure, so powerful, so accepting that it makes the love you have for you children seem trivial?

I have never found anyone who has had such an experience. The closest I have come is to those who had NDEs. The love they express, the light, the out of body are the closest I've found. What was it? Where was I? I wasn't on drugs I don't drink. I don't smoke. Never ever have I had marijuana. I know people can wake in dreams but they seem dream like and this did not. Not once I looked at my hand out of body. I made the choice to look at my had. I made the choice to move my body. I made the thoughts. But I didn't choose to come back here. And I do not understand. People who have had NDEs told me to accept the beauty and realize I was shown something special. And I do. But I still want to know what that beauty was. I tried for years afterwards via meditation to return. Got very good at meditating, however, I never saw that place or felt that love again.

When my mother was diagnosed with terminal stage IV colon cancer in 2010, and then went into hospice in 2012, on her deathbed I asked if she wanted to hear my dream. I always say it that way because no one thinks it to be anything else. I'd never told her it before. And while in that hospital a few days before she died, I felt this urgency, this insatiable need to tell her. I don't know whether that was me just worrying about whether I should or whether I had someone pushing me from the other side. But the sense to tell her, the desire, the need, was constant. Almost like a harassing. I even asked one of the hospice nurses whether I should. Finally, I figured I should just ask my mother. She said she would. She listened. She asked me when I finished if the woman ever came back. At the time, I told her no, because it was what I knew. I'd never seen her return. And now, I wished I'd told her that I really didn't know. I am glad I told her when I did. Shortly after that, a day or two, she became unable to speak. Then, unable to get out of bed. Then, unable to respond at all. Before she died, I listened to her death rattle and watched, prayed for some sign that she was crossing into a place with relatives that would help her. Before she left us, her eyes had been fixed and open, but unresponsive. She looked above me and then above my brother who was at the foot of  her bed. She was looking toward the ceiling. And then she died August 6, 2012 with me holding her wrist as I felt her pulse stop forever. I hope she is in that place of love and light. And I really wish someone could confirm what happened to me...more now than ever.

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?     No           

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes                

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?           I was very alert. Very lucid.

Was the experience dream like in any way?   Yes, the beginning was but once I was out of body, not at all. It felt real. It's very hard to explain because I know it sounds dream-like and I WAS asleep, but I woke up, inside me.

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Yes     It was glorious! I have tried to paint it but I don't have the colors (or talent) to create that gold and those sparkles. I was like light. Think of a ray of sun that streams in through your window in the summer. Yellow, golden, and brilliant. Now, add stars or glitter inside that beam. I suppose if you have ever seen bits of dust float around inside a column of sunlight you could envision those dust particles as sparkly and that is what I looked like. I had a form, sort of. But I don't know if that is because I wanted a form or expected a form.

What emotions did you feel during the experience?            Once out of body, it was euphoric. Warmth that was love. It wrapped around me like a big, weightless blanket. I had no problems. No worries. No memories of this world and life. No heaviness in my body or heart. I was all lightness and love. I felt a complete, utter acceptance of self and everything. I knew that I was loved and that it was unconditional - in a way I have never felt or received on earth. I could do no wrong. Nothing I had done, or said, could make these beings hate me. There was a level of understanding and compassion that I don't understand. I have children and the love I have for them is vast. I would die for them. But even this love does not rise to the level of unconditional that I felt out of body.

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?           I heard a feminine voice. It was soft and kind with a bit of humor in it. It seemed as if it was either all around or inside my head/thoughts. I didn't see anyone connected to that voice. But other than that, I heard nothing.

LOCATION DESCRIPTION:  Did you recognize any familiar locations or any locations from familiar religious teachings or encounter any locations inhabited by incredible or amazing creatures?    Uncertain      I don't know what that first room was - the gray room. So, whether they were from heaven, I don't know. I do know that woman that adjusted me existed only there. The other two women were visitors like me. The workers I flew over I guessed to be human workers on earth. But I cannot corroborate that.

Did you see a light?           Uncertain      The light I saw was at the top of the stairs and it was everywhere. It was very white and brilliant but not burning. It was just everywhere - like sunlight is everywhere but white not yellow. And not hot or burning.

Did you meet or see any other beings?           Yes     The three women in the gray room with dim light. I saw. I did not know them. I understood them to be visitors who did not belong there like me. The one woman did belong there, however. The workers I flew over I did not speak to or stop to examine. My guess is that they were unknown humans at work, but I have waffled on this and sometimes think they were workers over there - not on earth. The elderly woman I helped climb the stairs I did not know but she looked very human and solid. She was not light but in body. White hair pulled back into a bun at the nape of her neck. Maybe in her 70's or 80's. She was thin. She wore clothes but I do not remember them.

Did you experiment while out of the body or in another, altered state? No      

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?     No      

Did you notice how your 5 senses were working, and if so, how were they different?          Yes            but they were not as I've heard NDErs explain. I had the ability to think and move myself. I didn't walk. I flew like a wisp or like air. My vision was normal. Hearing too. Although I do not recall sounds being external. I didn't hear the people speaking on the phone. But I did hear the woman's voice, but like I said, it felt in me or all around me. It was not like a normal voice that you hear apart from yourself. I can't really explain that well. I didn't taste anything. I didn't touch anything either.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Uncertain      I think I did. I felt like this experience took a long time. Many hours. But when I woke it was still nighttime. So, it couldn't have been that long.

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?    No           

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?             Yes     No, I was not allowed or able to cross that boundary. There was nothing that would happen. I just couldn't. Like - if you look at a mouse hole in the wall, you see the hole, and you might want to go in there but you know you just can't. You physically can't. No one is going to stop you or punish you for trying - because you can't.

Did you become aware of future events?       No      

Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body?       No       Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?         Yes     My dreams became memorable for a while. I also had a dream of my grandmother who had passed on in the early 80's and I hadn't dreamt of her since soon after her death. It was a strange dream as it appeared to predict an uneventful, inconsequential moment. Briefly, I was in an antique shop in my dream looking at tea cups and saucers. It wasn't something I did in real life. My mother did but not me. I felt as if I didn't belong in this shop as it was too rich for me. But I stayed and wanted to buy a particular cup and saucer. I asked the clerk and he haughtily complied. Bringing the pair over to a table he set it down in front of me and left. I had no idea what I was to do with it. Was I to pour tea inside and drink? I decided to get the pair and asked the price. Together they were too expensive. So, purchased only the cup. I rode a subway train home, which in real life I do not and none exist in my city or surrounding area. But anyway, I sat there with my cup and my grandmother sat beside me. I was startled. I knew she was dead and couldn't figure out why she was there. She looked at me and said, "What's a teacup without the saucer. Go get the saucer." That weekend in real life I visited my mother who lived 3 1/2 hours away. While visiting we were in her garage. I think she was cleaning stuff out or cleaning up dog papers. I glanced at one of the walls and saw these teacups and saucers sitting in a box in this dirty garage. I asked my mom, "Whose are those and why are they out here?" She told me they were my grandmothers and she had no use for them. I'd been in that garage many time before and never saw them. They'd been thee a long time and my mother had never mentioned them. I decided I should probably get the teacups and saucers and take them home. They sit on my grandmother's hutch which I had at the time in my dining room.

I also started meditating after the experience and tried to go out of body but couldn't. However, I started doing readings for people. And it was a blind reading where I did not see, hear, know who I was giving a reading to. It was done online. There was  an intermediary, someone who gave me the question from the person. This site was researching paranormal events and psychic things. Anyways, for whatever reason I did this reading. I meditated and got clear images of a little girl sitting on her bed with a diary. Her hair was in braided pig tails. She looked up at me and smiled. She looked white but I couldn't tell. I told the person what I saw. As her question asked what happened to Crystal. When I told the questioner, she got very excited and ended up sending me a photo of the girl weeks later. I thought I'd been tricked somehow. I didn't believe it. It was the girl in my vision. I kept in touch with this woman who I eventually got her name as she wanted to contact me. I did many more readings for her. I never charged money. I did not do it for a job or money. I was experimenting too and finding out what this out of body thing was. This little girl had been murdered. I was somehow contacting her or seeing through her eyes what happened. This was the strangest and most accurate paranormal experience I have ever had. Once I saw her near the end of this experience, she came to me. She was in her dead form, stinking. I'd found her body. She rose up and we went to a room somewhere. She bathed and thanked me and didn't smell anymore. Then, I never had contact with her again. Never saw her in meditation.

In this same group, I tried remote viewing and was moderately successful. We were given a person to focus on and they would hold something. The times were arranged. They were people in the group but not people we ever physically met. I did not know them. At the prearranged time, I'd meditate and focus on the person. I knew their name but not where they lived or anything else. For two  or three of the sessions, I had very accurate visions. When I did remote viewing, I saw myself leave my body as a golden form. It was not an intentional fabrication but it was what my body did. I saw a dragon or alligator like face in one and the woman had been holding a knife where the handle was carved in the image of a dragon. In another, we switched it up and tried to find places and figure out where people were. They would go to a particular spot at the agreed upon time, while I meditated. I saw a playground, heard children playing, heard a truck drive by, heard swings creaking and guessed she was at a park. That is where she was. I drew my visions and uploaded them to the site. There are others but I am getting tired of typing.

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?   Uncertain      I have been conflicted. I was agnostic, I suppose prior to the experience. Afterwards, I vacillate from believing there is a God to hoping there is a God. After being told by so many that this was just a dream, after awhile, you start to doubt yourself but then you remember that feeling and how you felt waking after it. It couldn't have been. It just couldn't have. But I am a person who needs corroborating evidence. And I had none. It's why I started meditating and doing psychic experimentation. I had decided that if I didn't SEEK I could never FIND the answers. I don't believe other mediums. I have trouble believing other folks who had OBE. I know - quite hypocritical. So, it is hard for me to accept this but ... it wasn't normal. I can't prove it and that is what I have sought for these last 12 years. Still am looking.

How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices?       For years I took up meditation and did it religiously. It was one of the best things I've done. Need to do again. But my feelings about church were conflicted even more afterwards because I felt that the love I experienced there could never let someone burn in hell. It would never intentionally flood the earth or punish us. It was unfathomable in that state. It loved. That is it No buts. And that's hard to accept because we humans want the bad to be punished. I couldn't reconcile that. But I don't think God punishes at all, ever. I don't know what this world is for. I don't understand why we have to be here when there is so much better. I didn't get the 'knowledge' that I've read others received. So, I'm left to sort this out myself. I dare not speak to clergy. Not sure I'd care to know as I truly don't think they know any more than I do. The Bible doesn't have much meaning except for Jesus. The Old Testament seems completely unrelated to God. The love I felt, anyway. I don't think it's relevant anymore. So, I had no where to turn really. I turned inward and found mediation. Which I believe now is the way. Turn inward. We are all God's children, type of thing. Didn't Jesus say that?

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?         Uncertain      My views of church, the Bible, and why we're here has altered. But again, I vacillate from an agnostic to believer. I do believe more  now than before, that scientists don't know as much as they think they do. They know what makes them comfortable, like the rest of us. But without testing these 'oddities' and strange happenings, we will never know. Science can only take us so far, I think. Especially if scientists shun certain topics. If some scientists hadn't dared to question the validity of previous knowledge held in medieval times, we'd all be learning about how if you sail too far you'll fall off the edge of the flat earth. But I hope someday, someone, will break through this knowledge barrier and find truth.

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes     My husband the atheist and my friend the humanist both thought it was nothing more than a dream. My father, the Christian, believes it was a gift and a glimpse of the other side. Others who had OBE or NDEs think it was my soul journeying at night. I don't know much about that stuff. But I read books about OBE and how to have AFTER the experience. Never ever have come across anything like what I had. Makes you feel kind of alone and flakey at times. No, they were not influenced. Atheists are still atheists. Christians still Christian. But I did not intend to change anyone. I sought only understanding.

What emotions did you experience following your experience?  Initially, when I woke, I was devastated. I was sad beyond comprehension. I did not want to be in this body in this world. And I knew I could not get back. Not that I wouldn't have that experience again but I was not going to 'stay' there for now. It was not my place and I felt that while OBE in that realm. I was a visitor. Only a visitor. I would always come back to earth.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?      The love and utter complete acceptance of myself and from the woman who was there is indescribable. No worries. No concerns. Only love. A huge all consuming love. That was the best. Waking up was the worst. Being in my heavy, over weight body filled with all the earthly mundane problem typical to humans. All of it weighed upon me the moment I was back.

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?        I want to know what it was. I didn't die - so it wasn't an NDE. I didn't do anything other than fall asleep. What was it? Why me? Why did I take that woman up the stairs. I believe she crossed into heaven, but why me? Do we all do this?

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No      

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?                     Uncertain      How does someone put into words an emotion which most people here have never felt? How do you describe a color no one here has ever seen? I can't paint it. I can't make you feel it. So, I don't know how accurate my descriptions are. It's frustrating to use words to describe that which is felt and seen.

Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire.    No. Its the experience itself that is hard to communicate. The questions aren't the issue.