I had graduated high school a little over a year before my NDE�if that�s what you can call it.  I had moved in with my brother and was living a miserable existence.  With no prior experience, I had trouble finding a job.  The jobs I DID find didn�t really pay enough to share the expenses with my brother.  I felt guilty for this.  I felt lonely and adrift �no real job and no girlfriend.  I had NO hope and lacked direction.   It was so miserable I wanted to die.

 It came to a head one night.  I finally tried to WILL myself to die.  It�s hard to explain how I felt when I tried; indescribable heartache, confusion and frantic, conflicting vibrations throughout my body.  Finally, I felt as if I were falling asleep even as I prayed for death.  Then I heard a pop.  I�d heard it once before, on my first OBE, so I knew what to expect.  But I was wrong.

  THIS time, I found myself in a waiting room with other people, sitting on a hard, plain bench.  Inexplicably, I wasn�t my (then current) age, but an older, middle-aged man.  I was angry-- Angry at how my life had turned out, angry at God, angry at the others in the waiting room.  The others were obviously from all walks of life: different races, gender and ages.  All but a few of them were happy and chatting excitedly, which annoyed me.  There were two or three others like me, sitting by themselves, morose or complaining loudly and angrily to each other.  Somehow, I knew they wouldn�t be following the rest of the group but were going �someplace else�� someplace I REALLY didn�t want to go.

  I finally couldn�t stand the happy people and decided to leave the room through a door I hadn�t noticed before.  I �knew� I couldn�t leave through the front door, so I opened the door I�d just noticed and walked out.  I turned to discover I was outside a single story brick building with no windows.  I felt warm sunshine and a cool, summer breeze on my face.  The air was lightly perfumed with the smell of warm grass and sweet, unseen flowers.  The sky was an unreal, crystal clear blue that seemed to vibrate with energy.  EVERYTHING vibrated with unseen energy.  I started to calm down until the others in the room walked through the back door.  This angered me all over again, since I�d wanted to be alone, to have this indescribable beauty to myself while I tried to figure out what was going on.

  I had wandered to the top of a grassy knoll in the enormous meadow behind the building.  The meadow, a valley really, was bordered by dense woods which also surrounded the building to my left on three sides.  On the opposite side of the valley, there were low, tree covered mountains.  The valley seemed to be miles long, a gently rolling, brilliant green summer meadow, like you�d see in the eastern U.S. or the Italian Piedmont district.  Gorgeous doesn�t describe it!   By now, the group had also wandered to the top of the knoll where I stood and had gathered in groups.

 I heard snippets of conversation.  Some were �gossippy�, wondering where they would go next, offering ideas on where we were.  Others explained what they�d done in life.  As I wandered from group to group, I told one or two of them that none of that mattered now or that their fanciful ideas were not helpful.  We needed to figure out what was going on and find a way out.  Some of them seemed as confused as I was.  Others seemed perplexed at the thought of wanting to leave!  I soon felt unwelcome, a sort of �spoil sport�, which only darkened my already dark mood.

  I wandered halfway back down the hill.  In utter amazement, I discovered that I could see tiny, sapphire colored flowers from an impossible distance off to my left, bordering the trees and a small, crystal clear stream.  I could see every petal, and even a bee, from what seemed to be about a mile away!  I could focus at will between my immediate surroundings and these distant flowers, with NO LOSS of acuity!  I was puzzled and delighted at my suddenly hyper-acute vision.  I became aware that even the GRASS was alive, somehow sentient and radiating joy at being �alive�!  Everything seemed more �real� than before�before I died?

 Suddenly, I heard shrieks of joy and child-like laughter, whoops of exuberance and calls of encouragement.  I turned around to see what all the annoying excitement was about.  I was shocked to see a number of individuals not just floating but ZOOMING through the air!  Some flapped their arms, which elicited good-natured ribbing from a few, who told them that flapping their arms was unnecessary.  A few others stood on the ground, watching, laughing, encouraging or puzzling out how they too could fly.  I snarled at them to come down.  �You can�t do that!� I yelled.  �Stop it!� �That�s unnatural!� But they only laughed or ignored me.  A woman tried to help me.  She tried to instruct me, told me all I had to do was believe I could fly, and I would; that we were in a new �world� now, where everything was possible.  I hated her condescension, her naivet�.  She left me, a note of sadness in her eyes, and went to help the others.  Soon, I was by myself, resenting their fun, unable to soar.

  After some time (I don�t know how long), I gave up trying to order them around.  I so BADLY wanted to fly like them!  I felt somehow inferior to them, wanted so much to fly, to experience JOY, no matter how short lived.  I turned towards the building and started running with my arms held straight out to my side.  If I could just build up enough speed, I might glide at least.  I even jumped to get it started.  Nothing.  All I could do was jump, stumble and wear myself out.  Bitter tears welled up as I realized it wasn�t going to happen for me.  And that�s when I heard �the Voice�.

  The air vibrated as a strong male voice called my name.  I stopped in mid stride.  Fear shot through me.  He called again.  I said �Who is it?�  Silence.  I turned to walk back down the hill.  I suddenly felt His presence over my right shoulder [a direction that seems common after reading about other NDEs].  The voice asked me �Why do you resent their joy?�  I wasn�t sure who I was talking to, but had the DISTINCT feeling it was NOT HUMAN.

 I should say here that I was not brought up in a religious home; Easter and Christmas was nothing more than a nice meal and a family reunion for us, not a Christian festival.  We gave thanks to God at holiday meals, but that was it.  I was an avowed atheist as a teenager, but never felt comfortable with that label.  More of a Deist, I suppose, though I often briefly believed in Christianity.  In short, I was confused but wanted to �hedge my bets�.  Now, I was terrified that Satan was playing a trick on me, was trying to capture my soul �though I wasn�t sure if I were dead or simply hallucinating.

  So I asked the Voice who he was.  I got only silence.  �Who are you?!� I demanded.  �You know who I am�, came the calm reply.  �If you�re who I think you are, then say �God is the Highest, Most Holy!�  I got a chuckle in response.  Now I was REALLY nervous!  �Say it!  Say �God is the Creator!�  Say �God is my Master!��  Again, I got a good natured chuckle�and then the Voice said �God IS the creator of all that is.  God is Love.�  I thought, �He still hasn�t acknowledged God as his master�.  Another chuckle.  I was astounded that the Voice could seemingly read my mind!  Again I asked �Who ARE you?  Are you God?!�  �No�, came the immediate reply.  Now I was REALLY scared!  �Are you Satan?!� I asked pleadingly.  �No.  That one cannot be present here.�  This was greatly reassuring, factual and self-evident all at once, it seemed.  I fell to my knees to worship the Voice, to ask for forgiveness.  The Voice told me �I am not God.  Do NOT worship me, but give your praise to God.�  To this day, I�m unsure if the Voice was an angel or Jesus, but I felt it was the latter.

  �Show yourself!�  I demanded.  �Would that help?� the Voice asked me.  At this, I felt both inferior (for my lack of faith) and yet reassured that the Voice only wanted to help me somehow.  So I said yes, it�d help.  Instantly, from behind me, an old, bearded man in a tweed jacket and porkpie hat [like Sinatra used to wear] appeared.  He walked with a cane, but without a limp.  His presence invisibly radiated Love, Peace, Wisdom and Humor.  I started laughing.  We laughed so hard I had tears running down my cheek.  �Really?!�  I asked.  �THIS is how you look?!�  He said no, but he thought it�d help since it seemed to have helped many others when he spoke with them.  He and I stood apart from the group, who still whooped and hollered, floated and soared, oblivious to the two of us.

  We talked for a while.  He said I could ask any question I wanted to but that I might not remember the answers.  I was greatly saddened at this news!  I begged Him to let me remember at least ONE answer, which He agreed to.  Sadly, I don�t even remember now what the answer was!  I just remember him being amused by my questions, even though he�d heard them an untold number of times before.  I don�t know how long we talked, but I came away with the feeling that ALMOST all my questions had been answered, that there were one or two answers I was not �allowed� to know because I wouldn�t be capable of fully comprehending the answer and even if I COULD, the world wasn�t ready for it.  I would be persecuted, laughed at or simply ignored.  I started to cry because of this. 

  I also cried because I knew my time here (wherever �HERE� was) was coming to an end.  I didn�t want to leave.  I BEGGED Him to let me go with Him, or at least let me stay in the meadow, maybe help out new arrivals.  No dice�  I had to go back.  I don�t recall why.  The others though, would be moving on.  I cried because I felt like I had somehow �failed�, like God had rejected me.  The Old Man said that wasn�t the case.  There was still time.

  Interestingly, years later I would see the same brick building on the edge of the same meadow.  In this �dream�, �vision� or whatever you want to call it, I had died as an old man sometime in the future.  The oldest man in the county, if not country!  This wasn�t much of an accomplishment; I sensed, as a long-established fact, that most of the population had died in some catastrophe.  Generally speaking , the survivors were young adults and a few very elderly like me.

 Children were rarely born.  Infants who survived didn�t often live very long.   Everyone lived a largely agrarian lifestyle in funny looking, round huts.  They wore simple, tan colored robes.  I was the largest landowner in the �state� and its richest man [though the concept of a �nation-state� seemed to have died along with the electricity].  This wasn�t something to be proud of but rather almost something to be ashamed of.

 The young adults (there were few middle aged people) almost looked with pity on the elderly--survivors of a bygone, more selfish, more dangerous era, still struggling to come to terms with a new reality� unwilling or unable to leave the �old� ways of thinking behind.  This wasn�t to say the new era was Utopian:  personal relationships seemed tentative, less passionate, almost self-absorbed or selfish; modern conveniences were a memory; modern medicine was nonexistent.  A great sadness permeated EVERYTHING.  People rarely laughed; when they DID, the others looked as if they couldn�t understand what was so funny or thought the person �odd�.

 I seemed to spend most of my time immersed in running my farm or giving answers to infrequently asked questions of how things used to be.  Oddly, the questions (sometimes tinged with envy) grew more out of a sense of boredom and mere curiosity rather than any desire to rebuild the world.  Eventually, I grew weary of this drudgery and decided to end it.  I somehow �knew� that suicide (according to the priests) was not a damnable offense against God; I �knew� that Humanity had received long-hidden knowledge of God that did NOT forbid suicide.  God simply preferred that we live out our lives.  If we came Home early, well�that was okay too.  But not something one undertook lightly, because it saddened God.  I gathered my son, his wife and what few friends I had and gave a farewell speech to a subdued crowd.  I sensed that they looked on me with pity that bordered on the resentful.  One or two even seemed to look forward to my death.  Most were�again-- strangely unaffected.

 So, according to custom, I took poison and lay down on a smooth, cold table specially dedicated to the purpose inside the brick building [they called it the Death House, a �fitting relic from the past�].  I felt sleepy.  No more pain from aching limbs or missing loved ones.  My daughter-in-law shed a few �crocodile tears� as my son watched me pass away.  I knew deep down, he�d miss me.  I floated from my body and watched as my son and his wife hugged, then shuffle out of the room.  It got dark.  I don�t remember anything after that.  I can�t communicate in words just how REAL�utterly, physically REAL this vision was.  I could SMELL the cow manure, the wet leaves, the dry thatched roof.  I could FEEL the warmth of the fire from the chimney as surely as I feel the keys on my computer�s keyboard right now.  Dream or vision, this was a weird one! 

  If you�re still with me, I want to explain a comment in my first paragraph, the comment about my grandmother.  But first, some details.  I was serving overseas in 2005.  My wife and I were heading for a divorce after many years of bitter arguments.  She was raised by an atheist mother and a father who at one time had thought of becoming a pastor.  Opposites attract, I guess.  Anyway, my wife was definitely NOT a Christian-- or any other religion, for that matter.  Neither am I.  I avoid organized religion.  But I (and now my wife) DO believe in an afterlife.

 In 2003, my grandmother passed away while I was in training.  I was on the phone with my mom when she was at the hospital visiting my grandma the night my grandma passed away.  Everyone called my grandma �Gigi� �short for Great Grandma.  I actually heard one of my sisters tell my mom to hang up the phone and hurry back into Gigi�s room because Gigi was going any second now.  I felt terrible that I hadn�t been able to be there.

 Fast forward to 2005.  With a divorce looming while serving overseas in the desert, I found myself once again so depressed I wanted to die.  I couldn�t see the point of living any longer, especially if my wife took my sons away.  Nothing ever seemed to go right for me.  I begged God for a sign, SOMETHING to keep me going, if only for my two sons.

 On a related note, alcohol is illegal in the host country I was in, except for Westerners.  Folks nevertheless snuck beer into the country.  As a contractor, we each received a weekly �ration�.  I told my wife about it early on, only to have her accuse me several times (beginning in 2004) of living the �highlife� [in a combat zone ?!], while SHE had to shoulder all the burdens back home.  By late 2005, I not only stopped telling her about the beer but LIED about whether we still got it or not.  She had NO CLUE.  It wouldn�t have gone well for me in divorce court if I lost my job, let alone if it came out that I�d been drinking.

 One night, I called my wife.  Her voice sounded �weird�.  She said she�d ask me a question and told me to answer honestly.  She made me SWEAR I�d answer honestly before she asked the question.  So I did.  She said �how many beers do you drink?�  Not IF I were drinking (remember, I�d been lying to her and said I hadn�t been), but how MANY.  I wanted so badly to lie again; I couldn�t face another round of accusations and arguments!  But I�d promised.  At first, I opened my mouth to lie and tell her �oh�just one every once in a while�.  But I couldn�t speak!  She asked if I were still on the phone, several times.  After the THIRD try at opening my mouth in an attempt to lie�and failing to utter a word-- I decided to tell the truth like I�d promised.  I said �Three�.

 Now it was MY turn to ask if she were still there.  She�d dropped the phone.  After several �are you there?�s, she told me a WILD story in a weak, shaken voice.  While leaving work that day, the man at the front desk asked if she could answer some questions.  She said �sure�.  He asked if she were familiar with an older woman whose name started with the letter �M�.  My grandma�s first name was Marguerite.  He said the woman wanted to assure my wife that I was alright and wanted him to ask my wife a funny question:   she wanted my wife to ask ME how many beers I usually drank at work.   The doorman said the lady told him the answer would be THREE(!!!!), but that my wife was NOT to say anything other than asking me how many beers  I drank!

 I had been begging and pleading with my wife for YEARS to change her ways.  I kept reminding her that her actions DO have consequences�if not in THIS lifetime, then in the next.  She never seemed to believe in ANYTHING other than the �Here and Now�.  In one fell swoop, my grandma had proven to us both that there WAS life after death AND managed to get through to my wife!  I always knew Gigi was a sharp one ;o) 

P.S.   My wife opened her eyes after this, so to speak, and turned her behavior around.  She�s far more spiritual, loving and less self-centered now�so we�re still married.

At the time of your experience was there an associated life-threatening event?   No 

Was the experience difficult to express in words?  Yes     The intensity of physical perceptions is outside human experience and language.  It's almost like being fluent in two language --you know the words, but there are very few direct translations...just nuances.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?    During the early part of the experience, shortly after I walked out of the building.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness?      More consciousness and alertness than normal   360 degree sight at will; capable of picking up supra- and infra-sound vibrations or noises; hyper-acute vision at long distance; semi-telepathy with other, lower organisms (grass, flowers, etc.)

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.   360 degree sight at will; hyper-acute vision at long distance.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.   capable of picking up supra- and infra-sound vibrations or noises.

Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during a time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body?   No  

What emotions did you feel during the experience?   Anger, confusion, inadequacy, inferiority, fear, pity, resentment; Love, joy, comradeship, inclusion, wonder, awe, gratitude, happiness.  

Did you pass into or through a tunnel?   Uncertain  

Did you see an unearthly light?   No  

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice?   I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
Strong, impossibly patient, loving voice which later took the form of a kindly old man.  it was impossible to lie to or resist the voice's command, even if I had tried.  During the 'question and answer' period, the voice communicated simultaneously on two or more 'channels', speeding up or slowing down according to my comprehension, delivering unsought answers on subjects that seemingly had no bearing on the current discussion, but later proved crucial to a full understanding of the topic.  Best analogy I can think of is that it was like absentmindedly catching different fish with your hands in a crystal clear stream while looking for nuggets of gold...then later realizing you're hungry.

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)?   Uncertain   Not sure if the Voice that became the Old Man was an angel or Jesus, but tend to believe he was the latter.

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings?   Yes   About a dozen humans whom I later understood were newly deceased.  They were from all walks of life (races, gender, economic status, age) and very typical in appearance.  I had no familial relation to them.

Did you become aware of past events in your life during your experience?   Uncertain   In the 'question and answer' part of the experience, I may have asked (or been asked) questions about why certain things had happened in my life.  This was different than a Life Review that happened a few years later.

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world?   Some unfamiliar and strange place
an Earth-like valley where all the colors were MUCH more vibrant; I could hear a symphony of music composed by the vibrations of all the plants in the valley --bass notes of trees; higher, melodic hum of swaying grass; staccato 'pips' of worms as they inched through the dirt unseen; harp-like riffs from the clear stream.  It was staggering in its complexity yet peaceful and rejuvenating in its effect.

Did time seem to speed up or slow down?   Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
During the question and answer period, the Old Man and I talked for an unknown length of time.  We could move backwards and forwards through time as I viewed movies that answered my questions.

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything?   No
There were some things I was not meant to understand or was incapable of comprehending.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?   No

Did you come to a border or point of no return?   I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was "sent back" against my will
Sent back against my will.

Did scenes from the future come to you?  No 
Not sure.  I feel there were such scenes but that they were merely possibilities, some more likely than others.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness suggesting that there either is (or is not) continued existence after earthly life (�life after death�)?   Uncertain   Nothing I encountered could be verified AFTER the experience by me or a third party.  DURING the experience, I had a clear understanding that those involved were dead, yet they continued to exist.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that God or a supreme being either does (or does not) exist?   Yes   God exists.  I was specifically told to worship God.  I also intuitively understood through observing the trees and flowers in the valley that God is in everything; the atoms and molecules of physical existence are only the physical part of God which touches us every day.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that you either did (or did not) exist prior to this lifetime?   Uncertain   Since my OBE at age 15, I have been immensely interested in reincarnation and other esoteric topics.  I can no longer separate what I read from what (if anything) I learned in the experience.  I have a sense that we can choose WHEN we are born, WHERE we are born, and in what body-- AFTER a preview of the resulting life based on these criteria--as long as it agrees with our chosen path.  We arent' forced into a life we fear.  We're given options.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that a mystical universal connection or unity/oneness either does (or does not) exist?   Yes   I intuitively understood through observing the trees and flowers in the valley that God is in everything; the atoms and molecules of physical existence are only the physical part of God which touches us every day.  We've all experienced emotions that have a REAL, PHYSICAL effect on our bodies (like a 'heartbreaking' loss, when our hearts seem to clinch and stop for a second on hearing bad news about a loved one).  Emotion and spoken words are not physical objects, yet they have a physical effect on us.  Like the two arms of a tuning fork, the physical world of atoms and the non-physical world of our minds create a unity that responds to God.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life�s meaning or purpose?   Uncertain   Earthly challenges are designed for the spiritual growth of ourselves or others.  Since we get to choose our lives, we automatically choose our challenges.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life�s difficulties, challenges, or hardships?   Yes   Earthly challenges are designed for the spiritual growth of ourselves or others.  Since we get to choose our lives, we automatically choose our challenges.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding love?   Yes   God is Love.

During your experience, did you encounter any other specific information / awareness that you have not shared in other questions that is relevant to living our earthly lives?   Yes   No-one is perfect.  Do your best.  Try not to sweat the small stuff.  Perspective ('the Big Picture') is crucial; Getting angry is alright, just keep it to a minimum and make amends if possible.  Losing your faith from time to time is expected, not punished...it doesn't matter because we're all part of God and God doesn't punish Himself.  Just try to catch up with Him when it happens.

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge or purpose?   Yes   I don�t know how long we talked, but I came away with the feeling that ALMOST all my questions had been answered, that there were one or two answers I was not �allowed� to know because I wouldn�t be capable of fully comprehending the answer and even if I COULD, the world wasn�t ready for it.  I would be persecuted, laughed at or simply ignored.

What occurred during your experience included:   Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience   Consistencies:  God exists; Jesus exists; God created the Universe and all life; There IS life after Death.