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Bonnie L's Experience

Experience description:   

A second after my last thought I was standing in a vast cave/tunnel - it seemed to turn in on itself - the best I can describe it is to have you imagine that you are a speck or the tip of a pin standing inside one of those cat toys that the ball spins around the inside, but won't come out, just keeps going around - that is what I was standing in. The inside was brown and rocky, but very well lit - only there was no light - it was just lit.  

There were extremely large holes all along the outside of the cave/tunnel that stretched out for miles and miles - like windows and that faced out into deep space. Outside the openings space was the color blue. The color blue was so extremely beautiful - like no blue I have ever seen since - in the blue was complete peace and love. Or I guess I should say being in the blue was like the most beautiful unconditional love ever. There were millions and million of lights of different bright nesses like twinkling like little stars. They were all moving in the same direction which was to my left. Each moved at different speeds. It was all so beautiful - I can't describe well enough or with enough detail. As I looked harder some lights where very dim to just a shadow- very hard to see - these were moving very very slowly or barely at all. 

I stood and watched this beautiful display of twinkling moving lights for what seemed like hours. I remember thinking after a very long time, "What am I watching?" It was strange at the time to me that I hadn't wondered this sooner and I couldn't remember thinking anything up to this thought. As soon as I had the thought I was aware of 3 Beings standing to my right. I never really looked at them directly, but continued to watch the twinkling moving lights. They never turned to look at the lights, but stood watching me - they were kind, friendly, but not like the feeling the blue gave me - more like old friends that you are super comfortable around. I was not surprised they were there, but hadn't expected anyone either. 

The beings were tall and thin, they seemed to have a white aura as a garments, very bright and hard to look at or more like focus on. Their features where not clear if I look directly at them, (which I did when I talked- I explain this in a bit) but they were more clear when I looked straight out at the twinkling moving lights in the blue. Seeing them out of the corner of my eyes was easier to see them. They stood there with me for what seemed like another very long time and then I finally asked what the lights were.  

They told me without talking - more like they just let me know - also when I asked a question I was looking down at the four of us only I could not see me - I knew I was there with them and also looking down at us all - I could only see them from above not me - this is when I could see the cave more clearing and them - when they talked or was just looking out I was back standing by them. 

They told me the lights are our soul's (not the term they used, but I don't know what they called it now) I knew they meant souls or the real us, the light us, the energy us. That each of us after death returns to source. The lights that twinkle bright and move fast have cleared a path in their earthly life to move forward to source very fast. While others may not believe they can move forward choosing to stay where they know and understand. (The blue was so wonderful I could understand this, why some wanted to stay there) or in extreme cases were afraid to move forward, fearing judgment, which they would not receive. The dull slow moving lights had to come to terms with what they feared judgment on, before moving forward faster. 

But no one ever completely stops. Absolutely everyone returns to source. They stressed EVERYONE. Some sooner than others - They also told me what was going to happen when everyone returned to source, but I forget that now - I also know what source is but it it is hard to explain. It is not a god separate from us or one that created us more like we are fragments of it - everything is.  

They told me much much more, but now I can not remember anymore of what they told me except that I could join the lights if I wanted to. I knew this was true. All I had to do was let go and I would be with the lights. It was very appealing, but the moment I decided not to I was back at the group home.  

This is the weird part the whole house seemed to be shaking - the home was old and the window rattled - I don't know if it was the wind or what it was, I was disoriented for a while. Taking a long time to figure out where I was, but the shaking is what made me get up - my head was pounding and it took me a long time to feel like myself.  

I don't know if it was a true NDE, but it was the most powerful, beautiful life changing experience I ever had. 

I am not afraid of death, because there is no death.

At the time of your experience was there an associated life-threatening event?   Uncertain  I am uncertain what happened. I worked full-time third shift at a residential mental rehabilitation home. It was the late 80's and to keep employees group homes like these where somewhat lenient with the third shift.

After last round was completed we were allowed to "lay" on the small couch. I remember my head was up on the armrest, my chin on my chest, and a very odd feeling came over me. I remember thinking, "I can't move, why can't I move?" It was very uncomfortable and scary. I can not say for sure that my air was cut off by the position I was in, but it is always what I believed to have happened. No medical personal was ever needed, so I don't or can not say for sure what happened.

Years later I was to have emergency bowel surgery that almost killed me and I remember think, "It is all going to be ok, I've done this before, I know this." I was excited to think I might die, but I was also very heavily medicated?

Was the experience difficult to express in words?  Yes     Saying it in words does not do the experience justice the colors the feelings none of it can be truly retold with the awe that was saw and felt - like taking a beautiful picture of nature on vacation then showing someone it - it never is quite as beautiful as you saw in person - it is not what you saw or felt when you saw it first hand.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?    Watching the lights in the blue.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness?      More consciousness and alertness than normal   I seemed to know everything - I was just being reminded of what I already knew

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.
   So sharper, clearer - the colors where like nothing I can explain - its is not just my vision (which is horrible) but it was the sharpness the clarity like not only could I see with my eyes, but with my mind too - that is the best I can describe it.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.
   I heard nothing other than the information the Beings put into my mind.

Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during a time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body?   No   I must explain above that I felt separated from my body - It wasn't a body and yet body was the only thing my mind could wrap around - I was not aware of my body on the couch at all - but when standing there looking out at the lights I was definitely standing - but when I looked down at all of us I was there but I couldn't see me (my body standing yet I was there) - the me looking down at us was no body no thing just me - ?

What emotions did you feel during the experience?   Extreme love, peace and comfort. It was so beautiful I was in awe of it all  

Did you pass into or through a tunnel?   Uncertain   I didn't pass but the cave/tunnel was certainly a tunnel of sorts.

Did you see an unearthly light?   Yes   It was blue and everywhere outside the cave/tunnel.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice?   I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
There were 3 Beings that helped me remember things I was questioning - they were much taller than me and hard to focus on - yet in my minds eye I can still see them only I can't describe them well enough.

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)?   No   And i got the feeling that the Beings were not of this earth or ever inhabited it, only watched over or some thing like that.

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings?   No  

Did you become aware of past events in your life during your experience?   No  

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world?   A clearly mystical or unearthly realm
The blue was like nothing I can explain - the color and the emotion associated with it was beyond words - the cave/tunnel was very clear and sharp, but I can't explain its mean or why? Other than the description above the only thing was it immenseness - I was a speck. The blue is here too where we think of space or nothing only it is much thinner.

Did time seem to speed up or slow down?   Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
I could have been there for hours, days or years, but it seemed like a lot of time pasted in between thoughts - that was the only time - time seemed normal was when I was communicating with the Beings.

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything?   Everything about the universe
I didn't feel the world was untied I knew it was and still is - there is just one and we are part of that one - I didn't know that before, but know if 100% as fact now - I was reminded of everything I already knew - I still know it all, only here it is very hard to remember it.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?   Yes
The edge of the cave/tunnel opening was as far as I could go.

Did you come to a border or point of no return?   I came to a definite conscious decision to "return" to life
If I "let go" I could be in the blue - if I did I would not be able to come back - it was my choice.

Did scenes from the future come to you?  No 
Not scenes, but I was told what happened when everyone returns to source, but I can't remember.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness suggesting that there either is (or is not) continued existence after earthly life (“life after death”)?   Yes   Yes - it just was - just is - it is just like knowing the sun will rise and go down - it just was - it was a question I didn't even need to ask or I just know - It just is.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that God or a supreme being either does (or does not) exist?   Uncertain   It was more like everything, everyone together makes up source or the one - like a puzzle coming together.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that you either did (or did not) exist prior to this lifetime?   Yes   Yes, but it was more like I was reminded that I already knew the information and still do - it is just so very hard to see it or feel it now - like there is cotton between me and the information - but I still know it somewhere in me.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that a mystical universal connection or unity/oneness either does (or does not) exist?   Yes   Yes we are all oneness now, but again it is hard for us to remember it here - again while there I just knew it wasn't something that needed to be really explained more like reminded.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s meaning or purpose?   No   Only that we make our own hardships here - that we could have "heaven" on earth if we would just take care of each other like they were us (which they are) and remember everything is us - but this wasn't really told only known.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s difficulties, challenges, or hardships?   Uncertain   Only that we make our own hardships here - that we could have "heaven" on earth if we would just take care of each other like they were us (which they are) and remember everything is us - but this wasn't really told only known.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding love?   Yes   The blue was unbelievably full of the most intense unconditional love ever.

During your experience, did you encounter any other specific information / awareness that you have not shared in other questions that is relevant to living our earthly lives?   Uncertain   Yes I was aware of every question and answer ever only I wish I could remember.

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge or purpose?   Yes   All of it - I knew it all

What occurred during your experience included:   Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience   I believed because of what I was taught that anything other than Christian beliefs were evil and of Satan - There is no Satan - there is evil, but we create it.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience?   I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience   It is like it was seconds ago - other than the information I can't remember now - it is crystal clear.

Discuss any changes that might have occurred in your life after your experience:   Before my experience I was a troubled person, with many afflictions - drinking - parting - recklessness - bad attitude, abandonment for life - I feared death, was guilt ridden over past mistakes and frankly wanted to change or die, but didn't know how to do either. I can not say that with this experience I changed overnight or that I am perfect now (far from it), but it changed me for the better forever- it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me - that and the birth of my son.

My experience directly resulted in:   Large changes in my life

Did you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that occurred as a result of the experience?  
Yes   All of them I completely changed and the path I was on completely changed - how I think of life and others completely changed - to some degree I am on a constant quest to feel the way I did there - here - I look for the blue in everything - literally and metaphorically!

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience?   Uncertain   I feel I am very intuitive. Had I stayed on the same path I would have never known this, but I was always this and more - only I forgot - we are all that and more - we are anything we want to be.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you?    
Well besides all of it - the blue it makes me search for it in science so that I can prove it - share it - I am no scientist, but I don't believe we will find the truth in "religion" - comfort, guidance, acceptance yes, but not the true answers - we may never have that here, but quantum theory and unified field is getting close - It is what all religions were trying to explain - some could truly tap into this power - this is only my take on the whole thing.

Have you ever shared this experience with others?  
Yes  Not many and not for years - reactions range from flat out it was a dream to different extremes of curiosity, but no one reacts with the depth of feeling I am trying to convey.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?   Uncertain   If I did it was very little - I think the only thing out on it was that book "Into the Light" but I read that years later - Also I don't know if this was a true NDE? I have always felt I would have died that night if I had made another choice. And it wasn't until years later that I new there were other people who believe what I came to believe - I was surprised by this.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:   Experience was definitely real   I couldn't stop thinking about it - replaying every detail in my mind over and over just to try and feel the emotion of it again - the only other time I had this reliving of an event was a couple of days after my emergency surgery.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience at the current time:   Experience was definitely real   It was real - the most real thing that ever happened to me - more real then right now.

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?   Yes   My whole life changed, my entire personality, point of view all for the better.

Have your religious beliefs/spiritual practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?   Yes   I study all religions and love them all - Religion has been saying what science is trying to prove now - only both don't realize they are working on the same thing.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience?   No  

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience?   I wish everyone could have one.

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?   Uncertain   Yes and no it is a difficult thing to describe - so private and yet you want to share it with everyone, but no one really gets it - some want to but it is hard to translate if you haven't had the experience personally. 

I heard "god" described once as light being put through a prism - scattering the light everywhere - that best describes how I feel this is, but instead of moving away from the prism or light we are moving back towards it.

What could a national organization with an interest in near death experience (NDE) do that would be of interest to you?       Help reassure people who are fearful, hurting or feel alone.