Anthony S's Experience

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Experience description:   

My experience was somewhere around the age of 17 or 18 and during a time in my life when I had little or no joy.  Having been in a severe depression state I sat one summer day in the reclining chair in our living room.  My mind was in such turmoil and I desired and BEGGED with all my being (to whatever was out there, for I had no real sense of belief in God per se) to be released from my sense of emotional suffering.  I wanted, NEEDED, so badly to escape from the misery and total sorrow I was in.  I could not bear my life any longer, yet I knew from somewhere within me that I could not take my own life.  Be it ethical, moral or spiritual in nature. *note-words in quotations are words that do not fully express the ideas or conceptions of the actual experiences, but are used for lack of better expressions.

Somehow I began to feel a bit ‘light’.  Perhaps from the single capsule of Midrin I had taken a few minutes before, or perhaps from something else.  My desire was so great to ‘escape’ from my misery and it was as if my consciousness somehow coalesced into a single, small sphere within my solar plexus region.  It felt somehow liberating and ecstatic and I found that I could move my now ‘detached’ consciousness throughout my body's form.  I desperately searched for a way out of my own body and moved about within it's form, but could not find an exit.  It was as if my body was hollow and the outline of my body was a thin, bluish outline of some sort of energy keeping me in it.  Frustrated that I could not escape my physical form I stopped moving within it and had an idea.

I want to specify that my thoughts were just that, pure thought and not language.  Some emotion, some intention and some postulation, but not in any way language oriented.

My idea was to expand my consciousness.  And thus, through force of will, I concentrated on expanding my consciousness to become larger than the outline of my body.  This proved successful and as my consciousness expanded beyond the body I was amazed that I could now ‘see’ everything around my consciousness in every direction, all at once.  I had no real sense of what my consciousness looked like.  I guess, looking back, it was sort of a spherical shape of being or energy perhaps two or three feet in essence.  But this is just a guess.  There was no silver cord or anything connecting me to the body and I felt no connection to it whatsoever. 

All of a sudden, I felt so incredibly free!  I ‘saw/sensed’ everything around me in the room and just wanted to get away from it all.  So I directed by mere thought, my consciousness to go ‘up’.  I went through the ceiling and could still see in every direction.  I saw the attic as I passed the interior ceiling and then as I went through the roof I saw everything at once.  The sun, the clouds, the trees, the gravel in the driveway, feathers blowing in the wind along the ground, the vehicles, the neighbor's house, etc. etc.  The feeling of liberation was so very incredible and intense and I just ‘decided’ to continue going ‘up’.  It was a strange sensation looking back now.  Not as though it was actual motion (though it seemed like it at first), but more like a changing of perception.  It was more like everything else was moving or ‘shifting’ as my perception changed.  The earth moved away quickly as the vastness of space surrounded me.  Both coming and going at the same time.  I cannot express the sensation of heading to and away from things at the same time adequately in words, for there were no longer any ‘words’, just being.

The elation of freedom and wonder seemed to be drawing me ‘somewhere out there’, but I had no idea where I was going.  I then began to notice threads and tendrils of a golden radiance within the folds of space.  Not light per say, but some sort of radiant energy.  As the motion of my perception change increased the golden radiance grew more and more dominant until there was no longer outer space, but just a never ending expanse of this golden radiance.  Infinite so far as I could tell.  But my consciousness was being drawn to what seemed to be an overwhelming concentration of this radiance and it's ‘source’.  I remember the feeling of bewilderment and awe and seemed for a moment to just be stationary, looking toward the ‘source’.  It was then that I noticed other ‘essences’ or souls moving toward the source of in the ‘distance’ or more like a difference/shift of perspective. 

The ‘source’ was pure joy, love, beauty and everything we deem good and true.  And I wanted so much to be a part of it.  And so I began to ‘move’ toward it.  But my ‘motion’ was halted suddenly by the presence of another ‘essence’ that seemed to simply come into being before me.  There were no gates, boundaries or obstacles around me, just the presence of this ‘essence’ which I could not go around.  I ‘knew’ that it was some consciousness of ‘authority’ and I could not refute it in any way.  There was a communication between it and I but again, not in language.  More like a direct communication of the purest essence of being.  There was absolute understanding and complete communication.  In essence it told me that I could not continue, that it was not ‘my time’.  There was a vain sense of pleading to let me go to the ‘source’ on my part, ‘knowing’ full well that it was pointless.  The ‘authority’ was stern, definite, and yet compassionate and ‘knowing’ all at once.  The exchange seemed both to last an eternity and yet happen ‘all at once’ at the same time.  A strange sense of duality from time as physical beings perceive it.  As if time had absolutely no real meaning in this form.  So much was exchanged, and yet.....seemingly nothing at all.  As if EVERYTHING was ‘known’ to me, but that there was NOTHING at all.  It was like being a part of absolutely everything at once, having no sense of a individuality, but also like a total void of anything, save a sort of sense of peace and contentment.  So very hard to express.  A glimpse into both everything and nothing I guess.

Then, as if instantaneously, my eyes opened back in the chair in my family's living room.  I was fully alert and aware, and when I opened my eyes I sobbed uncontrollably at the separation from the ‘vision’ of the ‘source’.  I was back in the environment of my misery and wept for hours.  But, over time, life's experiences began to change.  The experience was always there with me, though increasingly harder to fully recall over time. The details faded over time like a dream, but the ‘essence’ of it never waned.   The expressions I use now to describe it do it little justice, but somehow seem adequate for the needs of this life. 

Sometime after this experience, and because I wanted to return to that state of existence, I sat in that very chair with a rifle in my mouth.  And though I was not afraid to die, and truly wanted to (and in fact am pretty much looking forward to it even now) I somehow ‘knew’ that I could not pull the trigger, and had some ‘purpose’ to live my life until I can return ‘home’.  It was during that suicide contemplation that I adopted the guiding principle of my life.  And that is, the search for, acceptance and understanding of ultimate Truth.  That Truth which is beyond human perception.  It has served me well and I have come a very long way from that depressed, suicidal person that I was.  I have become almost immune to fear and anger (though I am no stranger to annoyance and frustration).  And though I am in no hurry to have this life end, I must admit that I feel joyful at the thought of returning to the ‘source’.  Since that experience so long ago my life has completely changed.  Where I knew only ultimate misery and sorrow, I now know daily joy and appreciation.  And though there are frustrations, impatience of ignorance and apathy and many of the disappointments of any life, there is always the gentle voice of the ‘spirit’ which whispers softly, ‘all is as it should be’.

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?     Yes

I was prescribed Midrin for Migraine headaches and had taken one capsule.

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes

The intensity and all-encompassing qualities of the experience.  There just are no words to describe the enormity and definitive nature of the experience.  In fact, I cannot even now, re-create the sensations in memory, merely ‘shadows’ of them.

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          No

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?           Fully conscious and aware, just seemingly a different level of awareness.

            Was the experience dream like in any way?   Not when experienced, but the memory of it has faded a bit over time, and now there seems to be a sense of ‘not in the now’ of it anymore.

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Yes

I was not really aware of my appearance or form, just a sense of ‘Being’.

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?           There was no real sense of sound as heard by our physical ears, though the knowledge that there were sounds and what they were was present.

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?          No

Did you see a light?           Yes

Really more of a golden Radiance or energy than light per se.

Did you meet or see any other beings?           Yes

I witnessed other ‘consciousnesses’ a ‘distance’ away from mine but did not recognize any on a personal level.  Also there was the ‘guardian/authority’ figure which was between me and the ‘source’ which communicated via a state of ‘being’ a sense of infinity which cannot seem to register on the level of mind, but which I can ‘feel’ within my own spirit or being.

Did you experience a review of past events in your life?    No

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          No

No, I was home alone during the experience.

Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions?           Yes

I can only seem to describe it as being an un-manifested, yet pure state of all that is good and positive.  A pure, golden radiance which I believe could have taken any shape or form if simply willed to.  It was like being on the edge of paradise which had yet to take form, but only because there was no desire or need to alter it.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Yes

It was as though time had no meaning.  It seemed to last both an eternity and yet only an instant all at once and yet forever.  And space did not seem so much an area or dimension, but rather a shift of perspective.

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?    Yes

Special knowledge perhaps by physical, earthly means, but more a sense of a ‘knowing’ or perhaps an ‘acceptance’ of everything (or more like all possible things).  Nothing really specific in the physical reality of existence, but only because there was no desire to dwell on specific physical occurrences.  I can only now best describe it as ‘Faith’.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Uncertain

Not so much an actual boundary, but an opposition by a being of authority preventing my continuation to the source.  This being would not let me continue on to the source and could not be refuted.

Did you become aware of future events?       No

Not future events specifically, but I have gained the ability of acceptance of all things that happen.  Additionally, I am almost never surprised or uncomfortable with anything that happens.

Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body?       No

I was made to return, though I did not desire to.  I felt great sorrow and grief upon returning.  It was instantaneous.

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?         Uncertain

Both yes and no.  I have always had certain experiences in the realms of empathy, telepathy, clairvoyance and even a few cases of psycho kinesis, but they became more common, though not something I could call on demand.  I have had some very interesting success in practiced remote viewing however.

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?   Yes

My life changed completely over a period of several years from very negative and pessimistic to very positive.

How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices?       My relationships are much deeper.  My family (whom I fully despised before the event) is now quite close.  My daily life is almost always positive and I have chosen to become Christian without limiting God to the ‘Religion’ of Christianity.  Career seems largely unimportant to me however and I simply work to occupy my time, invest for retirement and pay the bills.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?         Yes

Over the course of about seven or so years my life changed from dominantly negative/faithless to positive/faithful.

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes

Mostly the reactions are a mixture of amazement and incredulity.  I think they are more influenced by my daily example of how that experience has formed my life.  I guess you could say I have a sense of charisma.  A light in me that people gravitate toward, not quite knowing why.

What emotions did you experience following your experience?  Great sorrow at being made to become ‘seemingly’ separate (by my own perspective) from the ‘source’.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?      Best-the ultimate feeling of liberation from all suffering.

Worst-being made to return to the existence which included that suffering.

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?        Just that it is something that my intellect can only barely touch, which is why my intellect has so much difficulty expressing all that it was.  My attempt to record or relate the experience is a source of great frustration.  All such attempts are only the slightest shadow of the experience.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No

I have tried several times to return to that state of being, but the ‘need’ or desire was never as great as that past experience.  There was always a part of me beyond that experience that somehow ‘knew’ that it was unnecessary.

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?               Uncertain

As well as can be expected by physical and intellectual means I suppose.  Some might say I expressed the experience very well, but I know that these simplistic words and expressions are so terribly inadequate to describe what I ‘know’ in my soul.

Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire.    I can't think of anything at the moment.  Seems pretty comprehensive to me.  :-)