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Annie M's Experience

Experience description:   

I was raised by parents who were very devout members of a "fringe" religion, one of the many brought to the U.S. in the 1960's. My parents religious convictions and dead-serious determination to save the world through this doctrine was the axis of our family. The church's doctrine taught that God is immeasurably sad by the sins of his children. And that our mission is to help shoulder God's burden with a brave face, to be one of the very few 'lights' in this world. My family was loving and happy, but there was not doubt in my or my siblings' minds that the church came first. From infancy, one or both parents left for missionary trips for months at a time, and I accepted without question that, of course, saving the world was more important than me. From childhood I was very attracted to 'doing the right thing' and I adopted my parents' belief system fervently and without question. Long story short, after years of self-propelled indoctrination, including a very intense stint as a church missionary, I left the insulated environment of the church and of my family and entered University.

This was a shock, to say the least. As I struggled to 'save the world' and understand adult life through my lens of religious conviction, I became increasingly depressed and anxious. In reading past journal entries, I can see that I was very hard on myself. I berated myself for being selfish, for being sad, for failing to be God's light.

One night, as a freshman in college, I sat on the floor of a rented bedroom, crying, as I did just about every night. This evening I was also praying intently, apologizing to God for being weak. For being such a terrible person. Begging for clarity about how to be a better child of God.

Suddenly, I experienced a thunderous jolt of blue electric energy surge through my body. The electric energy thundered through me, making me tremble from the intensity of the physical and emotional experience. Simultaneous to this internal lighting was a voice that reverberated viscerally through me: I LOVE YOU.

'You can't love me,' I protested, continuing with  the self-blame and exhausting perfectionism. 'I'm such a failure, I never do enough--'

But I was interrupted with another bolt of blue, internal thunderous lightening, shocking and overwhelming me with its power : I LOVE YOU.

And I began to cry because this was the love that I had never known existed, but that I had nonetheless always longed for. I cried in astonished relief because it didn't matter what I did. It didn't matter if I failed, if I was selfish, or if I even tried to live a good life. I am loved in the most elemental, powerful way.

Now I can't say that I dramatically changed from that declaration on. It took me a (surprisingly) long time to realize that I could let go of the church dogma and still be left with the authentic and personal gems of spiritual evolution. But through that tumultuous transition away from my deep-rooted beliefs and in untangling the authentic from the otherwise, the message 'I LOVE YOU' remained stable within me. I continue to experience bouts of depression when life is tough and I don't know how to proceed sometimes. But I love myself. The core 'me'- under the social awkwardness and acne scars that I can't always embrace. And I love the core 'me' of others, under the anger, petty meanness and disabilities exposed to the world.

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?   No           

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words?           Yes     The intensity of the experience

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?        No      

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?            Heightened

Was the experience dream like in any way?  Nope

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     No      

What emotions did you feel during the experience?           Disbelief, relief, intensity

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?          'I LOVE YOU' reverberating through my being

LOCATION DESCRIPTION:  Did you recognize any familiar locations or any locations from familiar religious teachings or encounter any locations inhabited by incredible or amazing creatures?    No      

Did you see a light?          Yes     Electric blue light coursing through my body

Did you meet or see any other beings?          No      

Did you experiment while out of the body or in another, altered state?            No      

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?    No      

Did you notice how your 5 senses were working, and if so, how were they different?         Yes            My nervous system reacted to the intense thunderous experience through my body, my body trembled in reaction. I could see/feel/hear the blue electric surge, though my eyes were closed. It seemed to originate from my forehead and move superiorly and distally as well as through my head

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?  No      

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?   Yes            I am loved at an elemental and powerful level

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?            No      

Did you become aware of future events?       No      

Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body?     No       Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?  No      

How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices?       It's been a companion through my spiritual evolution and life ups and downs. I am not an exceptionally enlightened person (a fact that took me a while to realize). But I am a loving, open, and kind person and the understanding that I and all others are innately loved lends me strength to be a loving, open and kind person in a sometimes harsh world.

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes     Ranges from polite eye brow raising and "wow" then change the subject, to deep interest.

What emotions did you experience following your experience? Relief

What was the best and worst part of your experience?     Love is awesome. An intense spiritual experience confirming that 1) love exists 2) i am loved no matter what 3) everyone is loved no matter what is awesome.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No      

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?                     Yes