I was very depressed for a long while.

I had been writing in my journal for months these five words "I want to go home".

it got to the point where I only wrote those five words and nothing else.  I was in a sad stagnant void in my life and didn't like myself at all.

I had stopped believing in god. (my family was never religious... more spiritual)

But those five words were the only thing that I could express.... and the words themselves frustrated me because as I wrote them out day after day even I did not understand what I meant!  I wondered why I was compelled to write something so futile.  I did want a place that felt like home (my home felt wrong to me... lacking in unconditional love... and I felt like a guest with my father and step-mother)... but I couldn't fathom where or what home was... or if I could I couldn't see how I could access one (a real home where I felt loved and even celebrated for just being myself). 

I am telling all of this first because I believe I know why I had my NDE.  I believe my wish was granted.... I believe that those five words brought me to "the place" I went to.  

One day I went to school as usual.  after about two hours of being there I decided I really just wanted to be home by myself.  I was depressed and uncomfortable at school.  I also recall that I did feel a little "off"... but it was more like "Hey! Maybe I am sick! That would be great because I really don't wanna be here!".

I went to the school nurse and she took my temperature.  I was just as shocked as she was when she exclaimed "oh my god! you need to go home right away!  You have a fever of 106!"  I didn't actually feel sick... it was very strange. 

Things get a little hazy in my memory here... only because so much time has passed since that day.

I know that my stepmother picked me up and dropped me off at home by myself...

I went straight to bed and then I guess I got very sick... I lost consciousness almost immediately.  I was hallucinating and this is all clear:

I started to hear loud buzzing... ripping... helicopters... it sounded like a war had started in my city.  I couldn't see... all was black...

I was confused... not really upset... it felt like I was on a "ride" so to speak... like I was not in control at all so I just observed.  it was a little stressful I suppose.

The next thing I know I felt myself falling and I was aware that I was falling/floating through a tunnel that seemed to open up on my bed and suck me gently down through it.  it felt like warm water and I could breath in it... I distinctly felt that I was in water... but everything was black/dark.

Gently... a light appeared above me...I could see that I was approaching the surface of the water and there was a gentle light up there.  Before too long I broke through the surface of the water and found myself standing in shallow water in a sort of gentle river or brook in the middle of the most beautiful and alive forest.  The place was vibrant and the color green was all around me.  The forest was lit from within itself... there was no sun...no sky...but it wasn't dark either.

I felt the most incredible love as I stood in that stream and in that forest. it was amazing.  I also knew everything.  I remembered this place and I remembered that I had always come from this place... and I remembered that I actually knew everything there was to know... and I always had known it ALL.

And I remembered the people in my life... the ones who had hurt me... and I felt the most heart expansive compassion and love for them all.  I understood why people hurt each other and why people hurt themselves. in my being... everyone was not only totally forgiven but also loved even more.  There was no limit to love...

This place was HOME.  No doubt about it.  I was loved here!  I loved myself!  everything I turned my attention to (in my thoughts; people places things and concepts) I could see with perfect wisdom and clarity.  All answers were given before I could formulate a question.

Uncannily though... it was a mixture of "Aha! So that's it!!" and simultaneously "Oh Yeah! I Forgot! That's right... why was I ever so scared?  how could I have forgotten?" 

I was still standing in the stream at this point.... but I of course decided that I wanted to go into the forest and explore!  I took a foot out of the water and was just about to place my foot on the river bank when... "swoosh... I went backwards ... the tunnel was sucking me gently back through where I came.

I woke up immediately on my bed and had the sensation that I was coming up through water. 

I remember knowing that something profound had just happened to me... and I reached for my diary... I began to scribble words down... it was really weird...I couldn't fully remember what had happened... it felt like it was disappearing just as fast as I got glimpses of memory or images...

it truly felt like my memory was being erased!

Somehow I finally wrote out a lot of what I remembered.. (and this was extremely hard to do...took incredibly maddening mental focus to put the pieces together).

Till this day I wonder if there was more that happened during my experience that I was not "allowed" to remember.  if so... I really do not know what it would be. 

Amazingly... I felt GREAT.  I felt more alive and there was no sickness in me.  I had been asleep since late morning... when I woke up it was dark outside!

The next year of my life was wonderful.

My grades in school went from D's and F's to A's and B's right away.  I was filled with love.  I spent less time with friends and more time walking in my neighborhood... I was enchanted with life!

I was at PEACE.  I was very wise.  I really knew that ALL was well.  we are all perfect.  There is nothing to worry about.

I also felt beautiful.  and I saw everyone else as beautiful too.

That year was truly wonderful.

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes     The perfection and beauty of everything. The experience of LOVE and "homecoming" is very hard to describe.  The experience of knowing the answer to every possible question is impossible to describe.

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          Uncertain      I had been released from school during second period junior. high with a fever of 106 (that was my temp when the school nurse sent me home) I later learned that this is dangerously high.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?    when I stood in the stream and looked at the forest.  And remarkably I took a lot of this with me to this "reality".  I got to "keep it" for about a year after it happened. (a high consciousness)

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal every day consciousness and alertness?    More consciousness and alertness than normal

If your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience was different from your normal every day consciousness and alertness, please explain:            when I stood in the stream and looked at the forest.  And remarkably I took a lot of this with me to this "reality".  I got to "keep it" for about a year after it happened. (a high consciousness)

Did your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect, such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)?  Uncertain     

Did your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness, etc.)?
            Uncertain     

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Yes

What emotions did you feel during the experience?            absolute serenity and euphoria.  As my normal natural state... a state I had forgotten.

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?          Yes     a water tunnel... black

Did you see a light?           Yes     gentle light.  not a bright light.

Did you meet or see any other beings?           Uncertain      I do not remember but sometimes suspect that I did meet something else out there.

I was the least "alone" than I have ever been.

Did you experience a review of past events in your life?    No      

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          No      

Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions?            Yes     I believe that the place I went to was another reality... or maybe the REAL reality.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Uncertain      can't describe that.

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?     Yes     we are all loved.  Love truly is the answer.  being present is the answer.

Presence and Love are the same.... or almost.  Actually they are the same.

when we are present we hold the KEY to everything.

we are all connected.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes     river bank.  Land.  I did not cross or set foot on land.  I didn't have any sense of what would happen if I crossed over... I was just happy and playful and curious...like a child.

Did you become aware of future events?       No           

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you did not have prior to the experience?     Uncertain      I always have had gifts in these ways.  I dream about the future.  I have esp.  I hear from certain people and animals that have died (only those that I knew in life).

I didn't believe in myself and these talents before this happened to me.  for a year after my experience I had absolute confidence in my abilities.  But I was so peaceful about it that I didn't push them or talk much about it.  I was just sort of in awe of everything.  I was very present during that year.

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes     I shared it with my Dad that very night after I woke up.

He is a spiritual person but he didn't really know how to react.  I was so excited but of course he couldn't be there with me and I think he may have felt guilty when he realized how sick I had been that day.

They left me home alone with a very high fever.