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Amy K's Experience

Experience description:   

I was lying in my bed, my pain had become severe.  I had lower pelvic/abdominal/hip/leg/spine and even ankle and foot left side involved...I did not know my nerves were dying as I do now, and have tested as dead in multiple conduction studies.

Pain was, beyond what is describable.  I was alone, I had woken, begging husband to get me nausea med, I didn't know why but I was feeling very sick, I know now I was in shock.  Pain had been intense and when he left to go to store a wave of intensity flooded in and it became, unknowable.  I began to shake and was very cold, suddenly I saw ceiling was in so much detail, I wondered, how can I see it vaulted so clearly, every bit of texture, why is edges of my vision dark and focused into tunnel point of like a circle with vivid ceiling I could never make out from bed so clear...suddenly I realized, I was not in pain and was wondering about ceiling. I realized something was wrong, horrible and wrong. I suddenly "knew" I was dying and though I was still looking up, I felt above my body, and I felt absolutely no sensation no touch nothing connected with a body...I heard a weird noise, like ringing or some kind of very loud noise pervasive, everywhere, not buzz or ring but combination, but later was when I realized how loud it had been yet, this was only sensory input besides sight.  I suddenly saw all as lighter, bright, vivid, and well lit w/out focus of lamp below, it was, not like sunlight in color but it was bright evenly, whole ceiling, walls to sides, all even and suddenly again vision was not important and light seemed so much there but I was not blinded by all well lit, as I was also feeling very strange...I was too close to ceiling, and I didn't feel a body.  I began to realize, I was scared, and I was suddenly so suddenly stricken with deep fear, then all of second, I was, detached.  My thoughts were," I am dying, what if there is no afterlife, or God?" 

Right then, a great sense of peace came and I realized, it didn't matter...in a minute I would know and if no afterlife existed, I would never know, I would be ok either way.  So important this is...that my peace came so as I never felt in my life never could never have, because, I was no longer afraid as I realized, so what if no God, I won't KNOW and I won't be thinking if no afterlife, I will not be afraid, since if no afterlife, I will be w/out some way to feel or think, and so I am at peace.  Suddenly labels began to fly off my person, I realized, I was not worried over my kids, which I had been in life threatening health issues before, I was feeling disconnected, from my roles, I was not my husband's wife, my children's mother, my mother's daughter and lastly my own name. I felt, this is most important and moving part for me, I was and never had been any of those thing inside, where I was, as I was born, w/out knowing a name or sensing a role or place, like an infant, I was singularly only existing...so purely ME only ME for first time, this is feeling so hard impossible to describe, I was, no one but someone who was only me and no one knew who I was...no one I knew ever saw or knew or felt, even me so clearly or purely, who I was, I was unknown. Somehow, some reason, such a disconnect was blissful.

Suddenly I realized I felt my own name out of blue, and I had clear thought, "If you don't stop now, you will die, if you don't care or snap back and you see you so much are seeing death." And SNAP, w/great surge of very human panic and terror utter terror I was in my body and scared so to speak to death, I was unable to make out ceiling and felt my own pain and was so scared, I began to weep, and was so shaken, I had no doubt and sever scare, I had nearly died, and mostly as I wondered, why suddenly did I realize a human thought in all that wandering and inhuman feelings I had, what made me realize I was going to far...I never will know.  I was so scared yet when I thought about my revelation on death and fear of not existing, not being, not thinking, the unthinkable condition, I still feel the peace and sincere soft "I is so OK. So much is o.k.. . . seconds you see it or you wont see anything and never know or fear either way." Such a weird idea for so much peace, and the dropping of all identities to even my name, was so strange, my emotions for my kids was nearly guilty later, as I saw, I was thinking clearly, "It is not my problem anymore, they are all alive and I cannot worry about them now."

Everyone I knew ceased to be a reason or factor in my journey or somehow, later I felt so selfish, but at time I realized I had no mortal concerns for, well, mortals, I was, also losing all roles placed on me from last to first, ending with my own name...regressing to infancy of psyche yet still self aware and so much had never changed in my inner voice and I never knew in deepest part of my inner dialogue, I was unchanged from day so small I was aware w/no language for thoughts, I was still "feeling" like me, but I was w/out the name or language but still unique and unchanged at core as myself.  I found out I was unique and silly enough was still same as was day I was born, just had to nearly die to strip away layers of words, names, ideas of what I was to reach where I was that identity, still so much in fact, awesomely clear as me now w/no labels, and language...but I also will never forget my fear, in own body, of how I realized so luckily, I was suddenly going to far, and when fear flooded me, such intense fear I never knew again, I was in mortal peril and such feeling suddenly grabbed me whoosh, in sound, and I was in my body again.

My pain ebbed and husband walked in seemingly minutes later. I was unable to relate experience, did not try and remember a immediate lassitude, and feel asleep as if I was somehow drugged...no dreams, odd as I am vivid and intense dreamer...always.  Some time later tried to explain and I felt suffused with tears each time of joy and peace, as I described the serene feelings especially that it was, 'OK" I was going to be OK either way, God or not.  Sometimes this made me fear death more from I believe the severe panic and fear I felt realizing, someway intuitively I was about to go to far or was so close I had to "care" again, I had to have mortal concerns or I would die in second.  I remember that "caring" was key, I had to feel like a person would w/out new knowing...be mortal and feel like it was insane and I was desperate or I would die...somehow, how I felt was somehow key to life or death, so I felt so much fear and mostly some kind of severe panic and snapped into myself and realized light normal, sound was normal, and so forth.  Silence is loud to deafening describes sound I was hearing although during most of it I never noticed in fact until time and body and I was back inside myself I then realized what a sickeningly loud and unpleasant sound it was.

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes     Because it is an experience that severs connections to our living world, you find words again are meaningless as if you were infant, sensory input is supreme and also, no words have been made or can be made to encompass a noetic experience...it is contradiction...if words existed or could, it would not be an experience that transcended ability to imagine...or include feelings you cannot have unless dying or feeling you may...if it was describable, you would not seemingly have a experience beyond mortal coil?  Hard to explain even why words cannot exist or if so, would cancel it as ineffable, and so, we would not all be here trying to discover it...

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          Yes     I have still unknown origin of neuro disease causing nerves to die, and also a host of spinal issues and some unknown lymph disorder...at time, pain is, since nerve pain, indescribable...I had a pain experience and did not know you can die from shock. ..and system was so pained I began to go into severe shock, and now I know you can actually die from intense pain, and have experienced shock again, weakening heart over time, and hopefully by finally submitting to pain pills, I will not have shock again, it was for few times, singularly unpleasant except this one, when I nearly died I know now.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?    When I realized I was singularly me, from no labels and at exact moment I realized I was somehow going to have to care in emotive way of some human negative, I knew had to be normal undying emotion, like fear or panic, not bliss.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal every day consciousness and alertness?    More consciousness and alertness than normal

If your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience was different from your normal every day consciousness and alertness, please explain:            When I realized I was singularly me, from no labels and at exact moment I realized I was somehow going to have to care in emotive way of some human negative, I knew had to be normal undying emotion, like fear or panic, not bliss.

Did your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect, such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)?  Yes     Dimmer edges, focused on ceiling so sharp as never could see from bed, sudden bright but even then as focus in on my moments, seemed vision was somehow being unseen?  I was seeing but not paying attention to point I was seeing nothing.

Did your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness, etc.)?
            Yes     No source found, but sound I described began before I was seeing ceiling and in retrospect was so loud and like silence or cotton in ears sounds loud.

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Yes

What emotions did you feel during the experience?            fear, peace, some kind of severing from emotions, some awe and so severely humbled and sudden fear and used it to get back in, sometimes severing of ties to others seemed so distant, no feelings of sorrow somehow, still felt love of them, they were each unique, singular and seen one by one as I speed thought in visuals of who I was leaving and how it was so ok w/me.

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?          No      

Did you see a light?           No      

Did you meet or see any other beings?           No      

Did you experience a review of past events in your life?    No      

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          No      

Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions?           No           

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Yes     until I felt I was going to do to far, time was, so much not seen, felt, is hard to understand, I have no clue of time, seemed some parts seemed, well, always, still happening, time was so much point of a body view.

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?     Yes     We are always w/out words essence of who we are at birth, we cannot remember but who we are when we think in head is our only real self and is so clear and also when I realized that I believe now it signaled afterlife, for some reason.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes     I "KNEW" ASAP had to care as a human being, had to be afraid or panicky or was suddenly dying and slam, was all of above and in body.

Did you become aware of future events?       No           

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you did not have prior to the experience?     Uncertain      I am alert, I have, sense and dreams changed, I feel, strange and sometimes unable to speak words and I sense of unimportance of words and somehow singular too...somehow I feel alone supremely...as if I was still so alone as I was on ceiling simply seeing.

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes     Few months, once or twice, scared or seemed to get no response.  My mother in law expressed great fear most at my joy or mystic? feeling of it is ok? I will be ok...I feel maybe you do not come back, do not go anywhere, but is was ok?  she freaked out.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?    Yes            very little, just on normal ones, tunnel etc....until read disconnect from roles and so forth never realized I had one.

How did you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:            Experience was definitely real    Oh never changes...years and still is real as can be, probably wont fade ever, I can be there, seeing my own stomach before, light to left, the strange closeness of ceiling, all of scenery and somehow super recall of emotions.

Were there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful or significant to you?            The fact it happened, the fear I felt coming back and somehow still feel and still at same time something of wonder in simple ideas it was stupid to wonder or fear, if so an afterlife I would know soon, if not, I wouldn't know anything to know better and somehow in a sense the latter concept was so peaceful, just sleep w/out rest...so much you just are some dust.

How do you currently view the reality of your experience:            Experience was definitely real    I was there, I know it happened and I was not asleep, I know.  I have many odd physical sleep experiences or suffered so much pain, it was real, flat.

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?           Yes     I was unable to share with husband.  And others. I was alienated by myself, it was not others but my need to say and see and I feel alone and so much still on ceiling seeing some weird views.

Have your religious beliefs/practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?           
No           

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No                  

Did the questions asked and information you provided so far accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?         Yes     Put in order, asked for every aspect from experiential, societal effect, familial, physical, mental. Covered beliefs, and before after of all this.