THE BIRTH OF LUCY INTO PHYSICALITY

              AND

THE BIRTH OF AMBER INTO ETERNITY 

On Wednesday the 28th of August 1996 at 2 am I started feeling labor pains which pulled me out of sleep.  I was lying in a bed at Christchurch Woman's Hospital after being admitted the night before for tests, as my waters had broken 5 weeks early.  It was a 'hind water leak' and was trickling very slowly.  My blood test results would have come back in the morning and if they showed the baby was getting infected, then they would have induced me.  But this baby must have decided she didn't want to be induced, and so I went into labor spontaneously.  Little did I realize the significance of what I was about to experience.

I lay there for a while listening to the breathing of the other two women in the room.  I tried to go back to sleep but the pain was persistent, although dull, and it wouldn't let me go back to sleep.  I rung the buzzer to call the Midwife on duty, an older, thin looking woman came in looking a bit huffed and promptly told me to go back to sleep.  When she left I then decided to get up thinking that perhaps walking around a bit might help.  I went into an empty single room across the corridor.  Moonlight was streaming in through the window bathing the room in a soft light, the moon drew me to it and I looked out the window and gazed at it for a few minutes.  I thought to myself that if I've gone into labor now then this baby will be born on the full moon.

The back pain and period-like pain was coming and going at quite regular intervals and I thought it was quite painful, so I called the Midwife again.  She said that she would ring my Midwife and send me down to the labour ward as it seemed I had gone into labor after all.

I was feeling a bit anxious about the fact that I was going to have a premature baby, I hadn't believed that when my waters broke four days earlier that I would actually go into labor and have this baby five weeks early, it was the last thing I expected.  I tried not to think about it too much, I just concentrated on the moment.

The Midwife on duty called by Midwife and Patrick (my husband) to tell them to come to the hospital.  I phoned my Mum to tell her I had gone into labor, my Dad answered the phone, he asked me how far apart the contractors were (spoken like a true farmer!)  Around 4 am my Midwife, Chris, arrived and I was so relieved to see her that I burst into tears.  I had every faith in her that she was going to get me through this.  Patrick arrived about half an hour later looking concerned but wearing a brave face.

Over the next couple of hours the contractions came went and started to get more intense.  I spent a lot of time in the bath and the shower, and breathing on nitrous oxide (gas) to relieve the pain.

At some point, exactly when I don't know, something started to happen.  As I went into a contraction I became aware that I was going through a spiritual experience simultaneously.  It was as if I was having an 'out of body experience', yet I was still intensely aware of the physical pain, and the pain may have even been heightened as I was so aware of all of my senses on all levels.  My 'higher self' or God or 'Greater Being' that could only be described as intricately connected to me was talking or communicating to me, but not in words  -  rather in 'feelings'.  I was aware on a cellular level or level of much greater understanding than we know normally.  I was experiencing and feeling at a soul level and I understood to the core of my being.

As I went into a contraction and through a contraction, and as it peaked and subsided, at the same time and parallel to it I went into a spiritual 'test'.  I realized that I was being put through an initiation.  The test got more intense as the contraction peaked, and as it subsided and I passed the test, then the intensity subsided and ended as the contraction stopped.  It was like waves rushing up onto a beach, reaching a point on the sand, and retreating back again.  I was aware that life and everything operates in waves or cycles, and cycles within cycles.

When you go through an experience, you go through a point which you have to pass back through to complete the experience.

Each contraction was becoming more intense, and more difficult, just as each test was.  It paralleled each other.  But as I came through a contraction and passed another test and went onto the next one, then I was getting closer to the baby being born and simultaneously, enlightenment.  I had to pass each test at a high spiritual level.

My God was guiding me through the experience and communicating to me all the time, but I felt lonely, and I couldn't tell anyone what was happening as I had to do this by myself.  It was happening so fast, yet there was a total feeling of timelessness.  Each lesson flicked on and off rapidly like the frame of an image on a TV Screen.

Everything starts with a thought.  The thought is the beginning of the manifestation.  So each test began with a thought that popped into my head.

It started with the thought that I was going to die.  Just a background thought that God put to me and I dismissed it.  It came back as a niggling thought that I realized I should take more seriously.  It was as if I was in a an elevator in a tall building going up with each floor representing a higher level of understanding:

1. Background thought that I'm going to die,

2. then, maybe I really am going to die?,

3. then, I know I'm going to die  -  but I have a lot of doubt,

4. then, I know I'm going to die  -  but there is some doubt,

5. then, I knew without a doubt that I was going to die,

6. then, with a knowingness so strong, I knew with all my body right down to the cells of my being that I was going to die.

7. Then I went to the next level of understanding which simply cannot be put into words in our language, and therefore cannot be explained on paper, but I am going to die and this was it  -  the knowingness is absolute, I really am going to die.

The contraction stopped and I came out of the test.  I wondered if this was really happening to me.  I had heard about people and read about people who had had spiritual experiences similar to this, but I never dreamed it would happen to me.  Maybe I was just imagining it.

But then the next contraction started, and with it the next test too.  I would become aware of the teaching and there were teachings within teachings, just as there are cycles within cycles.  I realized I had to go with the flow and face each teaching as they were presented to me, without fear, without trying to resist it or fight it  -  just as you should when facing labor pains.

There were many teachings, and lessons, and truths I became aware of: Everything is perfect, in perfect harmony and balance, everything is unfolding exactly as it should.  Nothing is wrong  -  it is all part of the divine plan.  Everything  -  even the polluting and rape of the planet, of people, murder  -  everything is meant to be.  It has to get bad so we know what good is, if we haven't experienced the bad things in life, then we won't know when it is good.  Take a step back and look at it in a new and wider perspective.  It's meant to be.

Which brings me to the next teaching... there is no good or bad  -  there just is.  There is no right or wrong  -  it just simply is.  Everyone's perspective of good and bad, or right and wrong is different, but nothing is good  -  it just is.  Nothing is bad  -  it just is.  It's fact.

One of the lessons was: face your fears.   The thought popped into my head that I was going to be sick.  (A small fear I know especially when you compare it to the fear of giving birth, but very real for me  -  I can't stand throwing up).  I had just eaten some pumpkin soup.  The knowingness came that I was going to be sick and I went  with the flow and faced my fear and I did throw up in the bath, and it was all over.  God said to me, once you have faced and experienced what it is that you fear then its not so bad after all, because you know what it is like, its not unknown to you anymore so you don't have to fear it anymore.  Most fear is fear of the unknown.

Everything in life is related and connected and intricately woven into one another, just as I was experiencing the spiritual teachings simultaneously with the contractions for example.

These teachings were coming thick and fast and all along I had the knowing that I was going to die.  The thought came to me that I was going to 'hell'.  Then the knowing came in all of its levels of understanding  -  it was a frightening thought!  I was standing in the shower with the hot water streaming powerfully onto my back when I felt myself slipping away, and then I felt a rushing sensation as my soul plunged into a black void of nothingness.  It was vast, I felt like a tiny speck of dust floating in this blackness that stretched for millions and millions of miles.  It had a deep buzzing sound, but there was nothing there.  Like when your standing in a desert where there is no life, no vegetation, your ears ring a little because of the quiet.  This was black and huge and buzzing.  I was there for a  while  -  remembering that I was in 'no time'  -  when the thought came to me that I have a choice... I didn't have to die.  I could go back or I could stay here.  Of course I wanted to go back,  I didn't want to stay in this lonely 'hell' consumed by this nothingness.  So I had to use all of my willpower to come back, I couldn't allow one tiny speck of doubt to come into my belief that I could do it.  So with every cell of my being I willed myself to come back.  I focused on a tiny speck of light in the vast blackness, but the buzzing was so intense, it consumed me which made it extremely difficult.  But once I found the light and visualized being back, then I rapidly came back into my body.  My body became lighter and lighter as I was unburdening myself of the darkness and filling myself with light.  The feeling was wonderful to come back.

Time is such an illusion  -  if I tried to put a time frame on going to this black void and coming back again I would have said I was gone about an hour.  But on the physical plane it was only a second.  I fell over and bumped my head against the wall in the shower and stood up immediately.  As I was coming back God said to me 'You don't know what a person is going through until you have experienced it yourself.'

The contraction/test stopped and I stood up.  Patrick was looking at me and he repeated the exact same words to me which almost blew me away.  I looked at him dumbfounded and said 'if only you realize what your saying'  His words exactly summed up the test I had just been through.  I couldn't tell him what I was going through or that I was going to die because I didn't want to feed the fear and therefore make my chances of dying greater.  I just kept telling him 'I love you' and 'Everything's going to be alright', and if I did die then maybe he would think back to this and know that I knew I was going to die and I knew everything was going to be fine.

Coming back from 'hell' had a very cleansing effect on me and although the contractions were very strong now and very painful, I asked Patrick to video me.  (He had done so earlier on).  It was to represent me returning from the experience, or passing back through the experience, and also to symbolize me returning from death.  I knew it was terribly important that he did, although Patrick was reluctant to video me.  I looked at the video later and all I was saying was 'Thank God, thank God' with such a look of relief on my face.  They must have thought I was mad, but I still couldn't say anything.  I was flooded with relief that I had defied death and had come back.

My God then informed me that from now on everything gets easier and easier.  Not just with this experience, but this relates to life  -  my life and everyone's life.  Everything in the world is getting easier and easier.  Sometimes it may appear that things are getting more difficult, but its not, everything is unfolding perfectly as it should, there is perfection in everything, and everything is getting better and better.  Everything is meant to be!!  I didn't have to fear this anymore, fear is very destructive.  I knew I had a choice what pathway to take in life, destiny is presented to a person, but the person has choice and can choose a different pathway.  As long as you experience the experiences and learn the lesson from that experience then you can go onto the next level of learning and understanding.  The key to life is experience, you don't really know until you have experienced!! Experience is then turned to wisdom.

Everything now became easier, although the tests became more difficult.  But with a joy in my heart that can't be described, I now faced each test with new vigor.  My psychic senses were heightened and it really surpassed me how 'with it' I was when it appeared I was totally 'out of it'.  I had been breathing on the gas a lot and although it made me woozy physically, I was totally with it.  Just after I fell against the wall Chris said to Patrick 'She's getting a bit spaced out on the gas' thinking that I couldn't hear her.  But I heard her clearly and I thought to myself that they can think that, it really doesn't matter, I'm having this experience anyway, and I would be having it whether I was on the gas or not, and even if it was the gas that was making me have this experience  -  that's wonderful!

Which brought me to the next teaching: Don't judge others.  I recalled a friend I had judged recently for something that I disapproved of.  I was reminded by God that its her experience that she's going through and that's perfectly O.K.  In fact everything is O.K.  Even things that seem really bad, its all part of the experience and that's what is important.  If we didn't go through bad experiences we wouldn't know what joy was  -  or we wouldn't appreciate it.  So I was reminded not to judge anyone for anything that they do.

I then became aware that I was going to die  -  again.  All of these teachings had happened over several hours and there were many hundreds of different tests on the different levels that I had to understand to get to this point.  We were coming close to the end now.  The contractions were coming thick and fast and so were the teachings.  Its so difficult to remember them all, there were many thousands of teachings.

Somehow I knew mum was coming, although it hadn't been arranged for her to come to the hospital.  I sensed she was near and then there was a knock on the door.  'Thats Mum' I said, and sure enough she walked through the door.  She walked in when things were really intense and it must have been hard for her to see me in such pain.  But I was really happy to see her as I needed to see her before I died, I was disappointed though that Dad hadn't come to see me before I died and I asked Mum 'where's Dad?'  She looked at me a bit strangely.  God made me aware that Mum needed to be there.  It was karmic and it was to prepare her for seeing her son in greater pain later on. (Five weeks later his girlfriend died of meningitis and Mum had to break the news to him).

God now showed me an overview of all of my lifetimes that I have ever lived.  It was like looking down from the heavens on little roads that snaked and weaved in and out of one another, connecting and then separating.  There were thousands and thousands of pathways, and thousands upon thousands of lifetimes that I have lived.  I was made aware of one tiny point in the pattern.  It was this experience I was having now, and I was aware that it was a tiny grain of sand in a massive sea of sand, and there are many thousands of more experiences which were just as important as this one.  I also became aware that all of the other experiences in other lifetimes was leading to this, and I have experienced everything I need to know so that I don't have to come back, I had come to some sort of completion.

Then came a very important teaching.  Letting go. I had to let go of Patrick and let go of my love for him and his love for me to find a greater love.  I saw a vision of Patrick and Mum and Dad grieving when they realized I had died, and I felt the terrible agony in my heart as I felt their grief.  It was a different pathway.  Somehow Chris was blamed for my death, although it was me that chose to go.  In another lifetime I did choose that pathway and that is what I saw momentarily.  Their love for me was pulling me back, but I felt the higher love calling me and again I was aware that there was something far greater than this as it was such a tiny part of the 'bigger picture'.

Then came the greatest teaching of all.  LOVE.

    The only thing that matters is love.

         Nothing else matters.

            Love is in everyone and everything.

               Love is the all that is.  

                  Love makes the world go round.

                     Love binds the universe together.

                        Love IS the universe.

Now something truly amazing happened  -  it was if I was shot out of a cannon into the universe.  There were planets and stars and moons and beautiful colors everywhere.  I could see and feel for millions of miles.  I felt expansive.  I understood that everyone and everything, everywhere is linked and connected.  We are all one.  Everything was sparkling and glittering and was incredibly beautiful.  There could be nothing more beautiful that this.  Total peace and harmony.  I became aware that I AM the universe and I am within everything.  I AM LOVE, I AM GOD.  Every cell of my being was buzzing and pulsating with love that was so powerful and all encompassing, there is nothing that comes close to describing this awesome state of being.

I had reached enlightenment.  This feeling was so incredible.  I wanted to stay here.  Again I realized I have a choice.  I was reminded of Patrick left with our premature baby to cope with on his own, and his grief of losing me, and his love for me.  Then the power of the universe engulfed me again.  I don't ever have to go back again, I don't ever have to be limited in a physical embodiment again.  I have completed all of my lifetimes on earth, I have learnt everything I need to know and I have just experienced everything that I need to experience to reach the ultimate  -  enlightenment.  I have the choice  -  to stay in this bliss or go back and complete my last lifetime.  I know that I would come back here again once I completed this lifetime.

I chose to go back to Patrick and our baby, and again I had to use every ounce of my willpower to wrench myself away from the love of the universe and the All That Is.  It was more difficult than returning from 'hell', but I pulled myself away and returned to my body feeling heavier and heavier as I did so.

Suddenly the contraction stopped.  The teachings came to an end and I found I had gone into transition (just before a baby is born).  I had a few moments rest before I felt the urge to push.  The pain had been tremendous, I couldn't imagine anything more painful, it was unbearable and I had been writhing about in agony.  I had asked Chris for more pain relief and she gave me a jab of pethidine, but it made no difference whatsoever.  Patrick and Mum had been rubbing my back furiously while I groaned in agony.  When I went into transition, Chris realized and said 'O.K. Get the video camera out, this baby will be here in about half an hour' (I didn't give a damn if I was videoed now).  Mum and Patrick were so relieved they burst into tears and fell into each others arms!

It took about 20 minutes of pushing and Lucy was born at 4.05pm  She came out so fast that Chris almost didn't catch her.  She was tiny and blue and looked just like E.T., but she was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.

The experience I had been through left a deep imprint on me and affected everything I did for weeks after Lucy was born.  When things were really tough I would think back to the lessons and remember 'everything is meant to be, go with the flow, it doesn't matter, the only thing that matters is love, do everything with love in your heart'

Being in a physical body on this earth plane of existence is very limiting though and slowly normal life started taking over again.  But I will never forget the experience, ever.  I wondered if I should tell anyone, God told me it doesn't matter if I tell anyone or not, and it doesn't matter if they believe me or not.  I know that this happened to me and it was real.  This is only a very small portion of the whole experience though, as we are very limited in our physical embodiments and our use of communication to be able to describe it so that anyone could understand it to the degree that I experienced it.

I realised that I have been through an incredibly difficult experience, but more so, it was the most incredible experience of my life and I suspect of many of my lives. I feel so honored to have been chosen to go through this initiation.

At the time of your experience was there an associated life-threatening event?         Uncertain            Childbirth is not usually life threatening, but I died while in labor (only for a second), this is explained below.

Was the experience difficult to express in words?   Yes     We are very limited in our physical embodiments and our use of communication to be able to describe it so that anyone could understand it to the degree that I experienced it.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?    More consciousness and alertness than normal    Just before I went into transition before my baby was born.    Now something truly amazing happened  -  it was if I was shot out of a cannon into the universe.  There were planets and stars and moons and beautiful colors everywhere.  I could see and feel for millions of miles.  I felt expansive.  I understood that everyone and everything, everywhere is linked and connected.  We are all one.  Everything was sparkling and glittering and was incredibly beautiful.  There could be nothing more beautiful that this.  Total peace and harmony.  I became aware that I AM the universe and I am within everything.  I AM LOVE, I AM GOD.  Every cell of my being was buzzing and pulsating with love that was so powerful and all encompassing, there is nothing that comes close to describing this awesome state of being.

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.    It wasn't my actual vision that was heightened but my actual senses of feelings.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.    Same as above except for when I went to the black void where I heard the deep vibrational buzzing sound.

Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during a time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body?    Yes   Yes because I wasn't actually seperated from my body the whole time even though I had "gone somewhere else"

What emotions did you feel during the experience?            Every emotion known to mankind and more. I experienced all emotions and at all levels.  

Did you pass into or through a tunnel?           No      

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes     I saw incredible lights of the universe with beautiful colors swirling and bright stars and planets.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice?            I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin    God was communicating with me throughout the experience and when a question popped into my mind it was answered with a communication that wasn't a voice but I heard it in vibrations that reached the core of my being.

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings?         No   

Did you become aware of past events in your life during your experience?    Yes     I was shown an overview of all of my past lives, described above.

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world?          A clearly mystical or unearthly realm            It was if I was shot out of a cannon into the universe.  There were planets and stars and moons and beautiful colours everywhere.  I could see and feel for millions of miles.  I felt expansive.  I understood that everyone and everything, everywhere is linked and connected.  We are all one.  Everything was sparkling and glittering and was incredibly beautiful.  There could be nothing more beautiful that this.

Did time seem to speed up or slow down?     Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning            There was no time, so hard to describe.. everything happened at lightning speed.

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything?            Everything about the universe   Yes I understood everything to a high degree.  That is why I was told that this is my last lifetime, because I have learned the lessons and understand them fully.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No      

Did you come to a border or point of no return?       I came to a definite conscious decision to "return" to life         I had reached enlightenment.  This feeling was so incredible.  I wanted to stay here.  Again I realised I have a choice.  I was reminded of Patrick left with our premature baby to cope with on his own, and his grief of losing me, and his love for me.  Then the power of the universe engulfed me again.  I don't ever have to go back again, I don't ever have to be limited in a physical embodiment again.  I have completed all of my lifetimes on earth, I have learnt everything I need to know and I have just experienced everything that I need to experience to reach the ultimate  -  enlightenment.  I have the choice  -  to stay in this bliss or go back and complete my last lifetime.  I know that I would come back here again once I completed this lifetime.

Did scenes from the future come to you?       Scenes from my personal future           I saw a different pathway if I had not chosen to come back.  I had died and my midwife was blamed for my death.  My husband and my parents terrible grief at losing me, and my husband left with a tiny baby by himself.

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge or purpose?        Yes     I was told that this is my last lifetime. I have experienced everything (just in this spiritual experience alone I experienced everything) that I need to know and understand fully to complete my time on earth.  I chose to come back and complete this lifetime for my family.

Discuss any changes that might have occurred in your life after your experience:   Large changes in my life  I could see life through new eyes.  I did not fear anything anymore.  I knew that everything was going to work out no matter what.     

Did you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that occurred as a result of the experience?    Yes     That all was unfolding perfectly, that the spiritual life is more important than anything.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience?    No    

Have you ever shared this experience with others?   Yes   I told a select few people about it, but when I wrote it down 2 years later and started sharing it with people there were mixed reactions of amazement (usually people that understood), or non committal (prop people that didn't believe it).

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?    Yes     I had read about it before. But until you actually experience it, it means nothing.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:    Experience was definitely real    It was the most amazing experience ever, that anyone could ever experience. So I was disappointed when people didn't understand it even when I know they knew about NDEs.  It sat with me for days and weeks and months as if the energy from it swelled my heart with love.  It slowly faded as I settled back into earthly life in this limited body.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience at the current time: Experience was definitely real           As anyone who has experienced an NDE, it can't be denied, and I will never not believe it was real.  It was far more real than anything.

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?           Yes     I have more understanding of people and where they are at in their life/lives.

Have your religious beliefs/spiritual practices changed specifically as a result of your experience? Yes    I set me on a path of wanting to find out what happened to me and I found the answers through the Ramtha School.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience?  No   

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?    Yes